I thought I was over Adam completely and had forgotten what he means to me, but after being unable to stop myself from checking his Facebook I've realised that it will take a long time for me to forget him and move on.
I know I hate him so much and even when I'm with him I keep thinking about whether there is anyone better for me out there. I don't want to end up in a relationship where I keep wondering about the little things that Adam did that meant so much to me. I don't want to look back in ten years from now and wish I had given him a chance.
But at the moment, as hard as it is to imagine life without him, I understand that he will continue hurting me on purpose by messing around with other girls and re-adding all the girls he deleted off Facebook and asking for their numbers back.
I know that he doesn't appreciate me as he never wants to talk on the phone for hours, always ending the conversation within a few minutes with a "I'm so sorry, I've got to run", doesn't want to text, "I get tired texting", and carried on trying with other girls even when he promised to prove himself to me.
I feel like he tore my hear apart when after spending a night with him he still continued to ask other girls to meet up with him while I was faithful to him though I didn't need to be. He wants me as an option because he has feelings for me, he just doesn't doesn't want me to be his only option.
When I first suspected that Adam was cheating, he accused me of cheating on him instead, so he could have something to blame when he confessed that he had kissed a girl called Lucy over the summer. He justified his lies by saying that I had lied too and how in his mind we were not together at the time he cheated because of all the crap we had gone through as a couple.
He boasted to his friends that it was "easy to get a kiss off Lucy by just making up some bullshit about how she had the most beautiful eyes he had ever seen" though he told me had the most beautiful eyes in the world and he would never say that to any other girl. It seems stupid writing this, knowing that I should have noticed the screaming LIES between the words. He then offered the same compliment to Sandy, saying he "doesn't normally go around telling girls they have beautiful eyes."
I had already started blaming myself when the relationship started falling apart, and he used that to make me feel like it was all my fault we had to end by telling me that I had treated him so badly that he had to look for 'love' from somewhere or someone else.
I know I deserve better. There was so much he didn't bother to give me. He didn't care that I was going through a tough time after a friend's death and instead swore at me, calling me a "manipulative bitch" and told me that he was better off without me in his life.
When I tried to shut him out of my life after realising that he just wanted to continue hurting me, he came running back, trying to justify his actions. He told me he was adopted. He used that as a way of making me feel sorry for him so that I would consider giving him another chance. Then confessed he'd lied and "would have done and said anything to get my girlfriend back". He made his own parents look bad and used something that serious to just play with my mind. He was adopted one night, then not adopted another. He couldn't tell me the truth.
He also lied about going to the cinema with Christina and lied about inviting Alice to stay over. He lied when he was on Oxford Street one day because he'd met up with Christina and then came to see me saying he "was just in the area". He flirted with Sandy and then didn't delete her when I told him that if he wanted me back I wanted all the girls he had ever tried with gone from his Facebook and his phone.
He also readded the girls he did delete almost as soon as I tried to break contact, not even bothering to wait and see if he could win me back. He didn't try to tell me he was sorry and told his friends how much he hates me. He never once sincerely apologised for cheating.
I need to keep reminding myself that he admitted that he only asked me out again after we broke up during the summer because he didn't want me to get close to any other guy, not because he actually wanted to be in a relationship with me.
If he actually wanted to be in a relationship with me he would have said he was going to hang around and never would have started flirting with Alice again. He used the fact that I told him to delete her as a conversation starter, mentioning how he thought they were "getting along so well" and was "sorry to see that we are no longer Facebook friends". He then asked for her number back.
The same night that I finally kissed him (almost 2 months after I found out he had cheated on me) he asked his friend to confirm if Sandy would be willing to meet up with him for a drink.
I gave him a second, third and fourth chance and he didn't take it, which shows that he didn't completely want to be with me.
Me and him could never work out long term because he doesn't want to stop trying with anyone else. He wants to keep his back-up plans (available girls) in place as he obviously proved by re-adding those girls as soon as possible.
I still miss him, but every time I find out something new about his lies I realise that I mean almost nothing to him and the things he's saying to me are the same one's he's said to numerous other girls. I recently came across a quote which described this perfectly and acted like a slap in the face for every time I believed what he said:
"Yeah. You may talk to me, make me laugh and say the sweetest things. But how many other girls are you doing that to?"
The irony is this was on a Facebook page called "Loyal People Go Through the Most Bullshit". Here's to whoever created that page.
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