Giving up on me?

I met one of my friends after lectures yesterday. I hadn't seen her for a few months and we had never been close. She moved to my school in Year 12 and we barely talked. Earlier this year we had got back into touch and I suggested that we meet up for lunch.

Though accidental, I was glad I was meeting her on the 21st of January - exactly a year since me and Adam had started dating - I needed to fill the time to make that day go as fast as possible.

Meeting her was something of an epiphany moment. She had also been through a crappy year-long relationship (though no physical or emotional abuse, or cheating was involved) and now she was much happier. I had never seen her as a wise, or even understanding, person and yet she said some amazing things which really made me question my thoughts and where I am now.

I told her that the thing that scared me the most was having regrets in ten years time about giving up on a guy who might just have been the best thing that happened to me. But she said,

"In ten years time, you will never look back and regret giving up on him if you are in a much better place and you've achieved your dreams and desires. You'll only regret giving up on yourself when you could have continued to go after what you deserve."

This was truth told in no sugared terms.

And she's right. If I let Adam derail my drive, my ambition and fail university this year, I will hurt more thinking about how I lost myself in the process when I should have pursued my life. Every second wasted is me taking the time away that I know I deserve and he doesn't.

In ten years time, if I have done everything I wanted to do, or at least tried to live my life as well as I can, I may only regret a small part of the 'what if'. But, if I give up now and throw away my future then I will only end up with more to regret.

She was right. And I need to believe it.

"Gay. Gay. Gay."

I have been trying to move on.

There's a guy in my finance class, Jack, who I had a slight crush on and I wanted to see if I could take it any further. He is a third year economics student and we talked for a before class once and the conversation flowed really well.

Since then however, we didn't get a chance to talk as he usually came to class late and never sat next to me even though I would always try to make sure there was a space next to me. He also had another class straight afterwards so had to rush off. I guess I should have got the message?

But on Monday I was finishing dinner and as I was leaving the dinner hall I saw him coming in. I said "Hi" and he replied.

"Do you think there is anyone around who I may know?" He asked.

"Erm.. I'm not sure, but I could sit with you if you want?"

"No, it's okay! I'll feel bad making you sit here with me and just watching me eat!"

"Haha no, I don't mind at all."

"No, don't worry, it's fine. I'll feel bad."

I insisted and eventually we sat down at a table with another guy who neither of us knew. He introduced himself to the guy and so did I. Then he talked to the guy while I just sat awkwardly, not sure whether I should get involved in the conversation or not, and the other guy didn't seem to keen to talk to me for some reason - I suspect he was just the shy type. He left after 15 minutes or so.

I asked Jack how his holiday had been and he said it was good, he had stayed at the student halls and not gone home. Then his phone rang.

I expected that he would just pick up and tell his friend that he would call him back, but no. It was obviously a close friend and Jack talked to him for about five minutes, while I texted my friend, Britney, telling her I was never ever going to get anywhere with Jack.

Eventually Jack put the phone down.

"Old friend?" I asked.

"Yes, actually. He was calling as he's moving houses. His flatmates kicked him out of their flat and he insists it was my fault!"

"Wow. What did you do this time!?"

"Nothing so drastic! I was around his flat a few nights ago and we got really really drunk. I started revealing secrets about myself and in the morning his flatmates were like, 'we heard everything you guys said, we want you to leave'. Bit over the top I thought."

"I can't even imagine what you must have said! Is he a third year too?"

"Yes, he is a third year too, but he is more...erm... feminine. For example he is into gossip and fashion." Jack replied, "I go there to get all the gossip from him!"

My mind went into overdrive. I remembered the last time me and Jack had had dinner together. He had referred to his younger roommate as 'cute'. Now he was referring to a close friend as 'feminine'. My head was screaming "Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay." But it got worse.

"How much did you have to drink!?? I bet you couldn't even remember what you said that got him kicked out!" I said aghast.

"Oh way too much. I think I have a problem."

"You're an alcoholic?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Well, yes. But I know it."

"So you plan to do something about it?"

"Haha no!"

That ruined the last but of hope I had left. I refuse to get involved with another alcoholic. Adam always drank too much and once got violent towards me after a 'amazing' night out, binge drinking. I have decided to give up alcohol and haven't drank (save a few sips of white wine) since November 23rd - coincidentally the last time I talked to Adam in person too, but that's another story.

Me and Jack then talked about my subjects and he had studied the same econometrics course as me. He offered to help me out with a question. I said I would let him know. He asked if I had his number and then we exchanged numbers. I was determined that he had to be the one asking for my number, not the other way round. But I felt empty giving it to him.

"I will text you if I get stuck on a question!" I said as we were leaving.

I eventually texted him about an hour and a half later:

"Hey, I just can't seem to be able to prove this. Still willing to help me out (or do I need to remind you about the waiting during dinner time?) :P "

I didn't get a reply until about 2 hours afterwards:

"Ah I just got back from my friends (he gave me plenty of gossip :P ), maybe we can find some time before/after class tomorrow"

My class was at 9am in the morning so it was unlikely we would. And I was annoyed that he hadn't bothered to text back earlier even though he was the one who had offered to help.

"Haha hope you enjoyed it, I now know how much you like gossip! :P thanks, but my class is at 9am. I'll have another go at it."

I am almost completely convinced that he really is gay. But for all I know he could have a girlfriend. Either way, he doesn't seem interested at all. I guess I'm going to have to accept that I need to stop trying to move on and just be happy on my own. There don't seem to many possible guys left out there.

I'm published!

One of the things on my "21 before 21" list was to get an article published in my university newspaper and today my article on the Delhi gang-rape case was published in the Features section! I had spent several hours writing this, instead of focusing completely on my exam revision.

There was a lot of mixed views about this in my family as my dad was completely against me writing an article about 'rape' as he feels that I should focus on economics-related topics, but I felt very strongly about this topic and wanted to put my views out there.

But it is done!

In case you're interested, here is the article:

The Brutal Reality of Rape: the case of Nirbhaya (the Fearless) 

Last month, India was plunged into shock following the gang-rape, torture and murder of a 23-year-old woman in the Indian capital, Delhi, on a public bus. The case of Nirbhaya (the Fearless), as the unnamed victim has come to be known, has brought shame and derision to the country and forced it to question its moral shortcomings. The extreme brutality of the act, where the victim suffered multiple organ failure and needed a gut transplant after being assaulted repeatedly by an iron rod, resulted in mass protests across the country and demands for a death penalty for the assailants.

But this is not an unusual crime. Another tragic story is that of 25-year-old Aruna Shanbaug, who was strangled with metal chains and left to die, after being sodomised by her attacker Sohanlal Bharta Walmiki, in 1973. Shanbaug barely survived the attack and has been in a vegetative state for the past 39 years, brain dead, while Walmiki was merely given a seven-year-sentence for robbery and attempted murder and has since been released. According to author Pinki Virani, who wrote Aruna's Story, the court did not keep a photo of Walmiki on file which makes him impossible to track. 

Though a rape is reported every twenty-one minutes in India, nearly all go unpunished. Last year 632 cases of rape were reported in Delhi, of which only one led to a conviction. Reasons given for dismissal of cases include arguments that the accused committed the crime because they were drunk, or the accused was a high-caste man who could not rape a Dalit - low caste - woman.

Indeed, some have questioned the reaction of the public and many believe that it is unlikely that the same reaction would have resulted had the victim been a Dalit villager, or provocatively dressed. Uma Subramanian, an Indian social worker and blogger, suggested, “I believe this case has grabbed national attention not only because of the brutality but also because the girl was ‘spotless’ according to the moral brigade of India. She was a student, wearing Indian dress, it was 9:30 pm (not so late), she went to [the cinema] with a friend and she was returning home. She ticked all the boxes of the ideal Indian woman.” 

This seems to be built on the foundation of archaic gender views and the crisis of Indian masculinity. The furore over whether or not the suspects should be given capital punishment masks a much deeper social problem. This is a country where marital rape is not considered rape and where the names of the rape victims are not revealed, lest they bring shame on the family. Women are treated as inferior, lower-class citizens, not only in the dirt-poor villages, but even in several metropolitan, middle-class families.

India needs a wider societal transformation. The most regressive attitudes to women in India are in the rural areas where rapes are suspected to be even more commonplace than Delhi, but are seldom reported due to social stigma. Several female foetuses are aborted after illegal sex determination tests because of the preference for a male child, seen to be more able to provide for the parents in old age. This has led to an abysmally skewed sex ratio. The figure for the official 2011 census was 940 women for every 1000 men, and many of those who survive face discrimination, prejudice, violence and neglect throughout their lifetime. 

A hundred million women are ‘missing’ worldwide according to Nobel Prize-winning economist Amartya Sen. These women would have survived if they had received similar healthcare, medicine and nutrition as men. India is bottom of the class, and research shows more than two million are ‘missing’ in a given year. In 2011, India ranked 137^th of 187 countries for women’s welfare, and TrustLaw, a news service run by Thomson Reuters, ranked India as the worst G20 country in which to be a woman. And yet, the government of India is missing the obvious red flags for the need for urgent action. 

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh appeared on national TV to appease the public, promising to make India safer for women, after almost a week of protests. Congress party chief Sonia Gandhi, considered to be the most powerful woman in India, concurred to meet a group of livid students only after massive public demonstrations had been widely broadcasted. Ironically, a report released in December 2012, found as many as twenty-seven Indian politicians in senior positions have rape or molestation cases pending against them, and six elected state legislators have charges of rape against them.

The optimists may hope that the intense pressure on the government will lead to swift laws being written and imposed against sexual assault and rape, promoting a safer India for the next generation of Indian women. However, misplaced hopes in a corrupt, hypocritical government are unlikely to lead to any effective long-term changes in the law without consistent will from the people. Law reforms in the area of rape have been taking place over three decades, with fluctuating urgency, but they do not seem to have abated the appalling levels of violence and indecent behaviour to which many Indian women are exposed. 

For a country which has recorded a growth of over 200 times in per capita income in a period from 1947 (time of independence) to 2011, India remains painfully backward in terms of the equality between the sexes. Over the past several decades, women’s rights have started to take shape and Indian women are asserting their identity in the modern workplace. But, argues Ratna Kapur, writing for The Hindu, “With the opening up of the market, women are entering male bastions of power [which] has challenged the sense of superiority and entitlement of the traditional Indian male.” Instead of collectively welcoming the ideas and perspectives of the new participators of the economy, some men feel that women are intrusively trying to influence a part of society they have no right to. 

“The grooming of young men to have a feeling of entitlement by Indian parents breeds a sense of masculinity and male privilege,” continues Kapur. This effectively erodes the respect for women, making girls often seem burdensome and unwanted to the family. These inequalities filter through the age and result in distrust and sometimes hatred against women in the public arena. Calls for a new law, perhaps named after Nirbhaya, may only serve to give a sense of action, without addressing the deeply ingrained social problem. What India needs is education.

The wider Indian society needs to be taught about women’s rights and women themselves should be given the opportunity and actively encouraged to confidently enter the work force. The responsibility also lies with parents to ensure that male children are not indoctrinated with a sense of superiority and privilege, and taught to respect women in their own right, not only as mothers, wives and sisters. 

Another educational concern is related to social interaction between men and women. The strict social rules in place regarding open sexual contact with the opposite sex or dating rules which encourage relationships within castes prevent open interaction. Six states in India are said to have banned sex education because it is stated according to Hindu nationalists that it “has no place in Indian culture”. But this only fosters a mystical, unattainable image of the opposite sex, which may in part explain the fascination of the other, mostly men, to break the social norms and moral values when an opportunity, such as an unaccompanied girl travelling at night, arises. 

Capital punishment for the perpetrators behind Nirbhaya’s case or amendment of current rape laws is not enough. The government needs to invest time and thought into changing the way these crimes and their victims are managed. They should establish sensitive screening procedures and outlaw the use of crude medical measures such as the ‘two-finger’ test used on rape victims to assess their claims. The practice of providing unscientific and degrading medical opinions about rape survivors only promotes the image of the animal-like treatment of victims, many of whom will never be able to rebuild their lives following the ‘shame’, with the blame placed squarely on their shoulders for a lifetime. 

A ‘spiritual’ guru, Asaram Bapu, was quoted as commenting “Only 5-6 people are not the culprits. The victim is as guilty as her rapists. She should have called the culprits brothers and begged before them to stop. This could have saved her dignity and life.” Nevertheless, for every naïve fool, twice as many educated, young people understand the flaws of Indian morality and are taking to the streets in protest against the grave injustice that Nirbhaya, and others like her, have suffered. 

Perhaps this is the wake-up call, or rather the slap in the face, for India. Under the watchful eye of the now alert public, five men have been charged with the abduction, gang-rape and murder of the Nirbhaya. Ironically, the hearing took place at the Delhi court across the road from the cinema where the 23-year-old student and her friend watched the film Life of Pi.

The sixth perpetrator, a youth, will be tried separately in a juvenile court. The fragile road to justice suffered another blow when it was revealed that he may go free within three years, as under Indian law juveniles cannot be tried for murder. Personally, though David Cameron and I have our differences, I can’t help but agree with the point he made in 2011 regarding the atrocious behaviour during the London riots, “If you are old enough to commit these crimes, you are old enough to face the consequences.” Here’s hoping that each of them faces the harsh consequences of their actions.

And here's hoping that it leads to a better India tomorrow. 

Failing University

I have spent the last 5 hours attempting my finance homework and failed to get past the first question.

Instead of breezing through the work, like I expected, I have spent more time day-dreaming about Adam and wondering how he is and what eventually happened with his love life. A part of me is tempted to log back onto Facebook and try to get as much info about who he is now.

Yesterday I had an exam and it didn't go well. I couldn't focus and felt sick every time because I was spending almost 24 hours a day with Adam during the last exam session. We revised together, ate together and spent every free moment with each other. Seems like a lifetime ago. Sometimes I can't quite believe how far we've both gone. Too far to go back.

I was also half-hoping and half-dreading running into him yesterday - my first day back at university. I spent longer than usual getting ready because I wanted him to see me and regret what he gave up - I still wanted him to want me.

But today I am more worried about passing university. The whole relationship problems have taken their toll and I am struggling to find the energy and motivation to focus. My friends have told me that "You can't afford to fail." and they're right - it's just about putting those words into action. I have chosen to do the hardest five courses the Economics department offers (the decision was made before the dreaded post-relationship blues) and now I guess I am too proud to let it go.

I'm sure there are other people out there, some of my friends even, who are in the same position. Perhaps they are struggling while trying to balance work after a loss in the family or recovering after an illness and I think the only way to make it through it so take it one day at a time and treat every new day as a new chance.

Last term I failed almost all my problem sets, scoring <40% on most. For a previously straight-A student this feels like I'm watching my life derail in front of my eyes, but I need to keep pushing. When you're at the bottom, you can only go up.

I hope I do. And if this sounds familiar, I hope you do too.

Week 2 of the workout

So yesterday it was the first run of week 2 and the main change I made to my schedule was to listen to my own music rather than the one they've provided. I listened to empowering songs such as 'Strong enough' - Cher and 'Survivor' - Destiny's Child and pounded the treadmill. This run was easier than the last one of last week, maybe because of the music.

Still, I felt totally knackered by the end of it. Surprisingly though I am actually looking forward to the second run of week 2 tomorrow, a part of me was itching to run today - it's becoming an addiction already it seems even though I have to push myself to keep running every time.

I have also made it known to my friends that I plan to run the 5k "Race for Life" which they all found hilarious considering I barely run for 5 minutes, but this has made me put myself 'out there' so will hopefully force me to follow through.

Couch 2 5K

As you may have seen, I recently came up with a list to motivate me to achieve my goals and do what I've wanted to do for a while. So, I finally got started.

Yesterday I finished my third run of the first-week of the Couch 2 5K programme.

"Get fit" has been on the top of my New Year Resolution list for a while now and every year the crazy enthusiasm lasts, at most, a week. Then I slip back into my inactive, computer and TV lounging state. This year I decided to make the aim more specific. I intend to do a 5km run for Cancer Research, called Race For Life.

To prepare for this, I was planning to just have a go on the treadmill as often as possible, before I stumbled across the C25K plan which is a 9 week plan to get couch potatoes, like yours truly, into running. Even when I have been to the gym, I have avoided the treadmill like the plague simply because I despise running.

Nevertheless, once I had written the list, in black marker pen (this way I couldn't cheat by erasing it and changing the 'thing to do'), I decided the time had come for me to become a champion runner and I started the same day. That was last Thursday. The first session was absolutely gruelling as I was out of breath after the first few minutes. But I kept at it in the hope that it will get easier as I continued for the next few weeks.

The second and third sessions were just as bad, if not worse, than the first and I kept thinking that if this is the first week programme, how on earth would I manage the second week? I guess I'll find out tomorrow when I start.

When will I tell him the truth?

I was reading a post about self-esteem (another area of my character that I am trying to improve) and it stated that you should "strip away all illusions". This struck a chord with me because right now I have so many illusions and lies running my life that I have to keep track of what lies I've told who and ensure I don't slip up - it can get exhausting.

But the biggest illusion of my life was to my ex-boyfriend, Adam. I had built up a completely different person to present to him - we both did - and I think that contributed a lot to the failure of the relationship. The law of attraction suggests that we gravitate towards people with a similar mind-set and neither of us thought it was enough to just be ourselves.

I lied about having been a relationship before - he was my first boyfriend, the first guy I kissed, the first guy I even held hands with! But he never found out. As far as he knew, I had had many relationships before him, with the most recent two being 'Harry' and 'David' and I had slept with many guys over that period of time too. I can still recall, word for word, what he once said,

"I know you've slept with David. And I also know that he was not the first."

I once told him, a few weeks into our relationship, that I hadn't slept with anyone before. He believed me and was thrilled to hear it! And later on, soon after we had broken up, I wanted to come clean about everything and told him that I had lied to him about something.

He said, "Yes I know, and I also know what it is about."

At the time I suspected that he had finally realised that I had not been in a relationship before, but later he made it explicitly clear that he knew I had lied about being a virgin.

Today I was thinking about when or whether I would ever tell him the truth. After we graduate? In ten years? On my deathbed (would I even know him then!?)? A part of me is tempted to tell him now, but I don't know how he will react, who he will tell and if he would even believe me. I'm just tempted from time to time to go up to him and tell him everything, but what would it change? I would just have given him the power of knowledge to try, if he wanted to, to come knocking at my door again. I also need to do everything for the right reasons. At this point, I think I want to tell him the truth because:

1. I want to 'clear my name' 
2. Give him the opportunity to rethink his behaviour of treating me, at times, like a total slut
3. Make him regret his assumptions?
4. I am hoping he will come grovelling to me to take him back
5. I want drama?

Honestly, when I started typing these out I immediately knew how foolish I was being. Clear my name? Why should it matter what he thinks? And most importantly, let's say he doesn't believe me, then do I continue trying and proving it to him - giving him evidence to call the jury in?

Number 2 and 3 are about making him regret his thoughts and actions. But that is not my responsibility. Nor is it right for me to try to play games with him and hurt him. I need to focus on me and this is distracting me from moving on.

Number 4 - did I really just write that?? I can't believe that I want him to grovel to me again. He has done so enough times and I have fallen for it enough times. There is definitely a limit as to how many times you can go through the same painful cycle before you either totally burn out, or at best, derail the entire recovery thus far.

I think number 5 is a weak attempt at justifying my thoughts further. There were times when I enjoyed the drama with him - not the painful type of drama, but debates, discussions about the meaning of life or our future. I miss that part of friendship, which I don't have with anyone else yet. YET.

A part of me is convinced that I will never talk to him again. Maybe we will say "Congratulations" to each other at graduation - if we both make it that far - or bump into each other and say "Sorry" before realising who it was. It hurts to think that I lost a friend, but then I remember that friends don't cause you pain. If you are going through a similar situation, I think it is important to define friendship or what you would expect from a friend and then see if they fit the bill. If not, then you can't stay friends with them.

I used to scorn at magazines and books which fed the idea that you can never be friends with your ex. That was NOT going to be me, I would insist in my head. But now I see why. Unless the relationship ended amicably, where it was a mutual decision and the other person had treated you with love, care and respect during your time together then perhaps friendship is possible in the future, but there are two important points here:

1. You need time - even if it was all rainbows and sunshine, the relationship has come to an end and you both need time to recover before you consider friendship
2. If they did not treat you well in the relationship - there is NO way they will treat you well outside. It is a fruitless fantasy to imagine a lasting friendship and thou shalt not do so

Deal-breakers

Early on in my relationship with Adam I noticed things which left a niggling feeling in my mind for a few days afterwards and then I conveniently forgot about them. I felt that it wasn't important to focus on them because of all the good things me and him had going.

But, today I have decided that for a better future, I need to have a clearer idea of what I want and what I will accept/not accept in a relationship. What are my deal breakers?

Firstly, I want to clarify what deal breakers are. These are basic boundaries which you should set in place for a relationship and when any of these are broken, you need to carefully assess the situation and be willing to walk out on the deal rather than face prospective emotional bankruptcy.

I think my main one, probably from the recent experience, is lying, cheating and breaking promises.

Adam broke many promises from the beginning of our relationship. Before we started going out and I asked him to promise that he wouldn't kiss me when we were together and I was tipsy or too tired to be fully aware of what was going on, he would readily promise and then break his promise. At the time it would be annoyed, but took it in a amusing manner. Afterwards, it became a joke that Adam could never keep a promise and whenever he would promise something I would always say, "Oh, like that time when you promised... or another time when you said..." and we would joke about his lack of respect for the word 'promise'.

What I should have realised then was that promises are an extension of trust. How could I expect someone who couldn't keep his word to give me the belief to have a fulfilling relationship with me?

I was blinded by lust, by my attraction to him and by his persistence. He kept coming back to me no matter what reaction I gave him. On days when I was upset, he would simply disappear and then come back in a few hours saying that he felt 'sick' seeing how upset I was. He had the tendency to leave at the worst times, or not care when I was upset until after I felt better.

I want this experience to become a valuable lesson and for this I need to learn from my mistakes and assess where I went wrong, so I can have a better relationship in the future. As I have previously stated in another post, there were signs of lying about his interaction with girls from the beginning, for example the New Years Eve incident when he said he hadn't kissed anyone, but then later said he had kissed two girls. I believed his story, when this should have set alarm bells ringing.

The lesson here is that we need to stay true to our beliefs about what makes a good relationship and trust is top of the list. I refuse to compromise on this point. Trust doesn't come with a refill - you lose it once, you lose it forever.

So, for me, the deal-breakers are:

1. Cheating
2. Lying
3. Abuse - mental or physical
4. Lack of communication/emotional availability
5. Inability to plan for the future with me - if you cannot bear to see a future with me, you don't deserve another second of my present

These are the main points that I will look for when I next enter a relationship and the guy will only get one shot at each. I made the grave mistake of going back to Adam after he cheated, hoping he would change, when I should have walked out in a blaze of glory and never looked back.

Law of Attraction

I am a scientist.

Or at least I like to believe that I am a very logical person who tends to look for hard facts and evidence before believing something. But today I came across the Law of Attraction which has absolutely no scientific basis (according to Wikipedia).

The Law of Attraction simply states that you have the ability to make things happen depending on how you think about things. So, if you think positive thoughts - positive things tend to happen. The idea is that like attracts like.

This idea intrigued me enough to start searching for examples in my own life which have supported this and I came up with a few.

The main one is, ofcourse, Adam. I was reading a magazine article which warned against the dangers of moving on too quickly after a break-up - I tend to read a lot of these type of articles these days - and it said that the reason for this was that at the end of a relationship you are broken, vulnerable and tend to have low self-esteem and you attract the kind of guys who mirror you.

But, what the article neglected to mention was that this is not just a condition after a break-up. I can prove it.

I have always had low self-esteem, something I am painfully aware of, yet have been unable to change for some reason or other and any small amount of praise pulls me up to Cloud 9 easily enough. So, when I started university last year, and was timid in front of all the gorgeous girls who had the best designer clothes and whose parents own mansions all around the world, I felt my self-worth drop through the floor.

So when Adam came around offering the perfect compliments and being willing to give me whatever I wanted (as long as it was cheap or free) I was more than happy to jump into a relationship with a guy no-one else would have thought twice about. He reflected everything I felt. He was insecure about his looks, about his background and about ever finding anyone who would love him. So was I.

We were probably the most insecure two people you could have paired together and we both constantly needed the other to give us compliments, shower us with attention and give up everything for us. I never stopped for a moment to think about how unhealthy it was. If I ever chose to spend time with my friends over him, he would get annoyed and we would argue for hours until, most likely, I declined my friends' offers to meet up and chose to spend the time with him instead. Similarly, if he went home, I expected him to continue to tell me how he would rather be with me than with his friends.

We never felt good enough for the other, him probably more so because I was less willing to lie about being in love with him when I wasn't - somehow my morals stayed intact. I chose to stay in that relationship and continued hoping for something better, never realising what a hypocrite I was being to preach about 'believing in yourself' to my friends while I let someone else define my self-esteem.

Being a scientist, I would not be satisfied with one example, so I looked at more.

I didn't believe in myself on so many occasions when I knew I had the ability to do well. I didn't study hard enough for the SATs because I felt that I just wasn't good enough to get into Harvard, when I was. I was reluctant to apply to Oxford because I felt that I was inferior to all the private school, rich kids, when it just depended on my intellectual ability.

But it is not just about the negatives.

I was told by my English teacher in year 12 that since I had started the course four months late, I would never get higher than a D in my English Literature AS-level. Defiant and annoyed at this, I worked hard and got the highest marks in my year - 196/200, after which the head of the English Dept himself said that my work was the best he had seen in a long time. Law of Attraction? Had I thought myself to 98%?

I guess I can't prove it yet, but I want to try it. I have an exam next week Friday. Because of my coursework, I am on track for a Distinction (highest grade), but have been thinking that I would be happy to settle for a Merit (second highest grade) even though I know I am selling my potential short. So, I'm going to give it a go. I am going to believe, with all my energy, that I can do it - and I will work for it.

Let's see how it goes.

Lonely

Yesterday I posted about finally realising that it just wasn't meant to be, so today I feel like I have lied to myself and started to push through recovery way too early. But I know that this pain is just part of the healing process. I have spent the entire day today sitting in front of my laptop with my university textbooks and notes and just staring into space or drifting off into my memories.

I have been unable to do any work which scares me because my exams are only a week away and I need to submit a report to my academic advisor regarding my progress with my modules as he was worried about the progress I was not making last term.

I guess I'm going to have days like this when I just want to text him and tell him I love him (even though I realised yesterday that I didn't) and see how he reacts - if he does. A part of me wishes he hadn't stopped trying for me, while the other part is thankful for the forced opportunity to move on and get started on something new.

I just feel so so lonely and unwanted right now that I would even consider self-harm. I think the physical pain would help me deal with the emotional burden I have. Would I cut myself? I don't know yet, but I feel like I've already imposed so much on my friends that it would be unfair to them for me to continue. I just don't know what to do.

Many people and websites have told me that I need to keep myself busy and focus on getting happy again, but this seems so hard as I just don't feel happy at all. I didn't quite appreciate how nice it was to have my aunt, uncle and younger cousins around when they were here, and now I feel deserted.

I can't even reach out and call any of my friends because I don't think there's anyone there who cares enough about me to keep giving me their time continuously and how long would it be before I just can't deal with it by being strong and give-up?

Today I got a call from my counsellor to book my next appointment and it is booked for the 23rd of January which seems too far away for any use. I feel like I couldn't hold on, yet I can't get the best out of each counselling session because they never coincide with times when I'm feeling most depressed and down.

I'm sure that Adam is out again tonight or is with his new girlfriend - whether that is Jemma or Alice or someone else. He's happy. I don't understand why that makes me even more angry and upset. I shouldn't care about his feelings, I should focus on mine, right? But though I feel strong most days now, today has just been awfully painful and lonely.

I wish there was someone here. Willing to give up all their time for me.

The day you realise it wasn't meant to be

It's an eerie feeling.

I'm hurting so much in this moment but I also have a really odd feeling of acceptance. I have finally realised that me and Adam just weren't meant to be.

Every time I look back at our relationship I just remember the good times. I forget about his flaws and everything he did to intentionally hurt me. How can you even imagine causing pain to someone you love? This also confirmed that I was never in love with him. I wanted him to pay for what he had put me through - that's not love. I should have noticed earlier. Could I even imagine hurting my parents or my sister? Even unintentionally? Or emotionally? No. And he hurt me emotionally and physically.

I've finally woken up.

I can't believe it's taken this long. But it is the first day of a new year. This is the right time for me to follow my heart and be happy on my own. I've wasted so many tears and so much time on him.

He doesn't deserve a moment more of my time.

But I'm not deluded. I know that realisation is not the immediate magical cure to recovery. I'm going to hurt for a while and I will have to deal with seeing him around university in approximately a week's time. Yet now I have the strength to move on because I've finally realised what I should have known in August.

It just wasn't meant to be.

Welcome 2013!

Happy New Year, World!

I have never been quite so excited about a new beginning as I am today. Everything feels welcoming and a fresh start seems more promising now. It is also the time of the year when everyone hastily notes down their New Year Resolutions.

I have been thinking about mine for some time now and there is a long long list of what I want to achieve this year. So, here, in no particular order are some of my aims for the upcoming year:

1. Health: I want to get into a routine work-out mode and gain weight. I am currently 43kg and my optimal weight is 56kg so I need to work hard to get to that stage. I already have a (very expensive and unused) gym membership which I need to start utilising. The best way of doing this would be to start going to the gym in the mornings or evenings, but I need to pick a time and stick to it
2. Studies: I am behind on so many of my modules that I really need to stop procrastinating and start focusing on my work more. This means no Facebook, and more time at the library
3. Career: I have a confirmed internship for the summer, but I need to prepare myself to make sure that I do not lose out on getting the most out of the experience. I want a job offer by the end of next summer
4. Fun: this is my second year at university and I really need to join a club or society or just choose an activity I enjoy and start participating more - doing the things I enjoy
5. Relationship: I want to wait until I find someone I genuinely think I would work well with before dating again. I need to prioritise myself over a relationship. Another aspect of this is focusing on my friendships and strengthening the existing relationships I have
6. Risk-taking: I want this to be a year where I learn to put myself out there and don't care about the consequences. It is about living in the moment. I want to take a sky-diving course over the summer and before that I want to promise myself that whatever decision I make would be made with a conscious awareness of "You Only Live Once"

These are my main goals and over the next few days I will work towards specifying how I intend to achieve this.

This is a new start for me after the worst year of my life and I want to end 2013 with a note that it was the best year of my life. It is time to stop regretting the past and to move on with all the best hopes for the future.

Song for the start of the year:

Brand New Me - Alicia Keys

Handbook 2013: One of my close friends just sent me a (very) long text entitled "Handbook 2013". There are boxed next to each one numbered suggestion to, I assume, tick off when you find that you are regularly following the said suggestion. It seems interesting enough to share:

              HEALTH

1. Drink plenty of water.
2. Eat Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince & dinner like a beggar.
3. Live with the 3 E's-- Energy, Enthusiasm & Empathy.
4. Play more games.
5. Read more books than you did in 2012.
6. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day.
7. Sleep for 7 hours.
8. Take a 10-30 minutes walk daily And while you walk, smile.

          PERSONALITY

1. Don't over do. Keep your limits.
2. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
3. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip.
4. Dream more while you are awake.
5. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
6. Forget issues of the past. Don't remind your partner with his/her mistakes of the past. That will ruin your present happiness.
7. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone. Don't hate others.
8. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
9. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
10. Smile and laugh more.
11. You don't have to win every argument,Agree to disagree.

               SOCIETY

1. Call your family often.
2. Each day give something good to others.
3. Forgive everyone for everything.
4. Spend time with people over the age of 70 & under the age of 6.
5. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
6. What other people think of you is none of your business.

                  LIFE

1. Do the right thing!
2. However good or bad a situation is, it will  change.
3. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up. The best is yet to come.
4. When awake in the morning thank GOD for it.
5. Your Inner most is always happy. So, be happy.