Friday night drunk

I have been making an effort to stay alcohol free ever since the break-up. I think the more I begin to rely on another "thing" (including other people), the less strong I will be once I am on my own. I want to really feel the pain before I can move past it so that I don't try to hold onto any hurt once I recover.

Last Friday night I decided to go out clubbing. It has been a while since I have been to our university's social Friday event and I thought that I might as well go again, since it was likely to be the last time I went out for a party probably until next academic year.

I got dressed, and then went out to get some gin and tonic. I'm not a big fan, but I knew it had a low alcohol content and I could handle it.

But when I got back, other people said that I should add vodka to the drink to make it stronger - "You can't possibly enjoy the night if you are even a little bit sober."

So I did.

I drank more and more and eventually I was completely out of it.

I knew I was drunk and I knew what I was doing, but nothing seemed terribly bad. Consequences didn't seem terribly important.

We left for the party. Me and one of my friends sang Britney Spears songs (completely out of tune) all the way to the venue at the top of our voices. People gave us funny looks, but I didn't care - it's not like we would see any of them again, anyway!

Clubbing was awful. The floor was completely flooded with alcohol and you couldn't step anywhere without getting your shoes ruined. Two of my friends were even more drunk than me. I had to escort one to the Ladies Room twice so she could throw up and the other had to be rescued from an extremely large-bellied pervert.

The only sober friend of mine had confiscated my phone once I had told her (drunk) that I intended to call Adam that night to tell him how much I hated him and I remember vaguely chasing her around the dance floor and attempting to strangle her.

The next morning she told me, more vividly, that I had actually slapped her and then shouted at her to give me my phone back or I will kill her. I had also stolen my phone numerous times from her and sprinted out of the club. She had then gone and dragged me back in.

I called back the creepy phone number (which I had received a missed call from) multiple times before my friend took my phone away. But I also remember me desperately trying to call Adam from another friend's phone (the drunk friend who was throwing up) and then putting the phone down. He then texted her phone with, "Sorry, you called? I'm sorry but I have no idea who this is. x"

The kiss at the end affected me too much for some reason and I started crying. I then tried to run out of the club without my coat (it was a chilly night), and my friends, concerned for my safety, held me back until they had collected the coats from the cloakroom and were ready to leave. We walked back silently to the halls.

I got back and cried.

I knew he was out and probably drunk. He was probably enjoying himself with girls while I returned depressed and alone.

Then I started journaling. I wrote down all the things about me I loved. I included things about my looks, my personality, my achievements and tried to make the list as long as I could. It is so important for me that I understand that I am worth loving and the journal helps me do just that.

Just before I finally collapsed into bed at 4 am in the morning, I knew that this would be one of the last times I would ever contact Adam. I even deleted the creepy missed call number off my phone.

Yes, it still hurts

Today has been an awful day.

I have been literally sitting on my hands to avoid calling Adam as I miss him and I feel so so lonely. I have my 5 km race this afternoon and I realised that there is absolutely no one around to make me feel wanted. My so-called "Best Friend" who I had relied on so much over the past few months seems to have lost all interest in being friends with me and I just can't take any more rejection.

I feel like there is no one who I can reach out to and ask for a hug.

Maybe it is the fact that the weather is down and I am physically exhausted. I haven't been able to keep up with the gruelling training schedule I had planned for myself and it is starting to show. But I know that I have to finish this race. It means too much to me not to. I have to struggle through it because it is the first time I have taken something in my own hands and I feel the need to be better.

I have too much free time right now which means that I am simply wasting away the precious minutes that I thought I would have to enjoy.

Mack was also supposed to call me to arrange another date, but he hasn't. I don't know whether he is expecting me to make the first move or not, but he did explicitly say he will get in touch once his family has left (he was busy with them the whole of last week).

There is no other guy out there who could possibly make me feel loved right now, and that is why I keep wanting to get back with Adam. I know that I don't want a relationship with him, but I need the friendship back. I don't have that kind of friendship with anyone and that has left a gaping whole in my life.

Sometimes it gets so hard that I just can't breathe and I want to cry, yet tears refuse to come. I am stuck in a rut between hell and purgatory. I need to find myself, but all I have been doing is filling up my time so that I spend less time thinking about him, which just doesn't work, because an empty mind leaves too much space for pain.

Break-up songs

I posted once before about the songs I used to help me deal with the break up. I am very reliant on music as a healing device so here are the songs I have been turning to according to the mood they create:

"I hate you" songs

You Oughta Know - Alanis Morisette
So over you - Auburn
Over it - Katherine McPhee
Single ladies - Beyonce
So what - Pink
Cry me a river - Justin Timberlake
Stranger - Hilary Duff
Before he cheats - Carrie underwood
Gunpowder & lead - Miranda Lambert
Done - The Band Perry
Over you - Daughtry
I knew you were trouble - Taylor Swift
We are never ever getting back together - Taylor Swift
Part of me - Katy Perry
Take a bow - Rihanna
Your love is a lie - Simple Plan
Mistake - Demi Lovato
The best you never had - Leona Lewis

"I miss you" songs
WARNING: don't overuse

I almost do - Taylor Swift
Just a dream - Nelly
Broken hearted girl - Beyonce
Someone like you - Adele
What hurts the most - Rascal Flatts
Already gone - Kelly Clarkson
Standing in the dark - Lawson
Beautiful goodbye - Maroon 5
Breakeven - The Script
Running back - Jessica Mauboy
What happened to us - Jessica Mauboy
My heart can't tell you no - Sara Evans

"Better off without you" songs

Strong - Jordyn Taylor
Strong Enough - Cher
Don't hold your breath - Nicole Scherzinger
You won't find this - Carrie Underwood
When you're lonely - Jana Kramer
Brand new me - Alicia Keys
Brokenhearted - Lawson
Walk away - Kelly Clarkson
Who's laughing now - Jessie J
I'm not missing you - Stacy Orrico
Wide awake - Katy Perry
A little bit stronger - Sara Evans
Best thing I never had - Beyonce
Better in time - Leona Lewis

Some other songs are on my "Moving On" Playlist

Time for friendship?

I had been questioning whether or not to meet up with Adam now that exams are up. It had been over 6 months since I last contacted him and I felt like this was the only time that I could play the friendship card without it having any serious repercussions.

I had cheerleading practice last Thursday and I knew that it was close to where he lived.

At first I couldn't decide whether I would meet up with him, but as the practice carried on, I knew I had to meet him and that I would do it that day.

I finished practice - I looked sweaty. I was in gym clothes and my hair was awful, but I decided that it was time for me to meet him.

So I called his landline.

"Hello"

"Hi, is this Adam?"

"Yes this is. Who is this?"

"This is Asha."

"Oh wow. Wow. Erm.. could you hold on one moment?"

I heard him swearing at someone and yelling at them to shut the door.

"Hi. How are you?"

"Hey. I'm fine. Are you in London?"

Stupid me. I asked the question - completely forgetting that I was calling him on his landline!

"Yes I am. Are you? Are you in London?"

"Yes I am," I replied, "I was wondering if you were free for a few minutes? I am in the area and I was wondering if I could meet you?"

"I'm free. Well I'm about to go out with a few friends in a little while, but I'm free now."

"Okay. If you're going out, then it's okay, we don't have to meet. It's okay!"

"No, Amy. Don't do this."

"Seriously, Adam. It's okay."

"Amy. Amy, I'm begging you as a human being. Don't do this. I will meet you, where are you?"

"I'm not sure exactly where I am right now, but I can walk to the station near your flat if you want?"

"Okay, how long will it take you to get there?"

"About 15 or 20 minutes, but if you're going out, we don't have to meet."

"We're meeting."

"I'll only need 2 minutes max of your time."

"Call me when you get there on my phone, okay?"

"I don't have your number any more."

He recited his number. Our mobile numbers are very similar, so he tried to tell me how I could remember his.

"Erm I can't remember that."

"Okay Amy then just call me on the landline and I'll meet you in 5 minutes after that."

"Sure."

I put the phone down and started walking, thinking about what the hell I was doing. I couldn't believe I had just called him and asked to meet. And ofcourse he was going out. He was probably going to be sleeping with a new girl today. That hurt to think about.

I tried to make myself look a bit more presentable, but it was pointless. I should have thought about that before we agreed to meet.

I arrived near his flat and called him.

"Hey. I'm here."

"Okay, I'm just coming."

I waited for around 10 minutes and then he turned up.

He looked ridiculous. He was wearing a denim shirt and denim trousers with the black shoes I had hated.

He also looked awkward in my company.

"Hi"

"Hi. So, what did you have to say?"

"Erm, now this is going to sound so awkward in person. But... well, I don't want us to be enemies."

"I didn't realise we were enemies."

"Okay. Well we were sort of enemies. But I don't want us to be."

"Amy, if I see you around, I'm always going to say hi and ask how you're doing."

"So you're saying you didn't see me on the day of Macro?"

Macroeconomics was our last exam and it was completely ruined because I had run into Adam just before the exam and he was given me a filthy look. I was paralysed for the first hour of the exam and couldn't write anything. At the end of the exam he had practically sprinted out of the room, before I had had a chance to see him.

"No, I didn't see you. But I guess you must have seen me."

"Yes I did. And you're lying about not seeing me, right?"

"Well I'm sort of lying.. but.."

I was mildly surprised. I knew he was liar and it wasn't something he would change easily. We then joked about how his exams went and that he saw me listening to Shania Twain's song and no 20 year old should be listening to that song.

"Amy, the one thing I never lied about is that I am in love with you. I never lied about that.."

"Adam, I don't want to hear it. I said I would just take up 2 minutes of your time and I have said what I wanted to say."

"No, you need to hear this. I never stopped loving you and I have missed you like crazy over the past few months. I am so sorry about how it ended."

"It's okay, Adam. It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore."

"It might seem like a long time ago to you, but not for me. I still love you."

I didn't know what to do or what to say. I half expected this to happen, but a part of me hoped that he would have the decency to extend the hand of friendship.

"Let me hug you."

"No, Adam. Don't touch me."

He grabbed me and I fought against him. I knew that if I let him hold me, it would be harder for me to walk away. I could never resist his touch. He eventually stopped and let me go.

"Amy, don't end like this. I realised when we were breaking up that I can't be friends with you."

"Well we don't have to be friends. I just want us to be non-enemies."

"If this is how you're going to end it..."

"Adam, I didn't want to take up more than a few minutes of your time and I have said what I wanted to say."

"Well let me use up some of your time too. I've given up an hour of my time to meet you."

I was shocked. We had barely been talking for 15 minutes and he was the one who had said he would meet me, even when I had said that if he didn't want to, he didn't have to.

"Don't you dare put this on me." I started.

"Amy, stop. Just let me hold you."

"No, Adam! Why are you doing this?"

"Amy I know you haven't found a guy who treats you as well as I did or who is as lame as me."

I smiled sarcastically. I couldn't believe his cheek. He CHEATED on me! Did he think that I wouldn't find another guy who would treat me a bit better than that?

"What makes you think I want a lame guy?!"

"True.."

"Adam, I have to go."

"Amy, if you're going to end it like this, then.. bye."

"Bye."

I left and walked towards the bus stop. I expected him to come after me, but he didn't. That's when I knew that friendship between us would never work out. We would never be the people we used to be. He changed. He would never be the person I had imagined he was.

The counsellor I was seeing at university asked me, "Do you really believe that you are that powerful? Do you really believe you are powerful enough to change someone?"

And she's right. I am not powerful enough to change him. He is who he is. He would never change for me because he can't. He doesn't want to and it is beyond his will.

It hurts to know that we can never have the friendship back, but I know that this also means that I have to eventually stop trying. I need to stop holding on to the hope that one day everything will be fine.

I think I walked in on my parents' having sex

The title says it all really! This doesn't even need a blog post to go with it.

Me and my dad had planned a trip today to an event which, we thought, was taking place somewhere in East London. I needed some specific ID to gain entry and we decided that he would work out how to get there, while I could search for my ID.

But then the entire family decided to watch a film.

By the time we finished watching, it was too late to research the route (apparently) so everyone headed to bed. My parents retired to their room while I decided to just surf the internet for while. Then I thought I would spare my dad some trouble and research the route myself. I checked the event details and it was actually in Coventry. Which is a 2 or 3 hour drive from our house. I was definitely not up for that!

I thought it would be best if I told my dad now (even though it was likely he would be asleep) as I didn't want him to wake me up to tell me tomorrow morning.

So I walked into my parents room without knocking.

"Oy!" My dad exclaimed.

I couldn't see anything as it was completely dark. I fumbled with the light switch and turned it on. My parents were lying extremely close together and my dad's top was in an awkward position. I was so embarrassed, but I acted as though I hadn't noticed anything different.

I quickly told him that the event was in Coventry so we couldn't go and left.

I cannot believe this actually happened. I am ashamed and slightly grossed out. A friendly warning to all: always knock before entering.

"I'm sorry I've been a 'bad boyfriend'"

I have decided that I really need to start switching my phone off when I go to bed.

Last night I went to bed just after midnight as I wanted to wake up early today to pack (I return to university accommodation tomorrow). But a good night's sleep was not on the cards as I was woken up at 3am by my phone going off.

Jerked awake from my sleep, I first thought it was my alarm (set for 7.30am) and reached out to my phone to switch it off. Forcing my eyes open, I saw that it was not actually my alarm and the time was 3.03am. The number was not in my contacts, but I recognised it straight away. It was Adam.

I panicked and frantically debated whether I should pick up or ignore the call. I picked up.

"Hello?"

As soon as I said hello, he cut the call.

I was relieved. I have no idea what I would have said to him.

I put the phone back on my bedside table and tried to go to sleep.

A few minutes later it rang again. This time I didn't even want to pick up, but as soon I looked at who was calling, the call was cut off. I thought he was just trying to irritate me and annoy me - or perhaps it was one of his friends. I expected that he would just leave a voicemail if he really wanted to talk.

I turned my phone to silent and closed my eyes. But the damage had been done. My heart was racing and the adrenaline wouldn't let me sleep. I checked my phone again and there was no message or text - strange I thought.

Eventually I must have fallen asleep because when I next opened my eyes, it was 7am.

I checked my phone - there was a text. I knew it would be from him and it was.

"Hey. It's Adam (Bankson) on +[his number]. Basically, and there's no easy way of saying this, but, I still have the same feelings I did for you all that long time ago. Quite badly infact. I know I was a bad boyfriend and I know we cannot be together now because of me but I think about you and I still love you so so much. I'm so sorry for what happened because I realise now - way too late - that you're the perfect girl. I hope you're happy if you're in a new relationship - and I'm still thinking of you baby - no-one can replace you. From Adam. X"

It was the usual crap, but somehow it didn't affect me as much as it would have done before. As I type it up, I can feel it more than I did when I read it. It was just so predictable. And I was actually able to laugh at the way he had apologised. He had been a "bad boyfriend"! He made it seem so minor. As if his idea of cheating is just a little mistake. It;'s as if a little kid was being told off for being caught with his hand in the cookie jar or something.

I realised so many things once I had thought about it properly:

1. He contacted me at 3am on Friday night. I think he was probably drunk anyway as he spends 90percent of the nights drunk. So it invalidates any remorse he had – it was the alcohol speaking.
2. IF he is feeling remorse it is only out of desperation and not because he actually wants me. I think he’s just run out of girls who will give him a chance now. So he thinks it’s time to get back to what he had with me – I put up with so much of his crap!
3. He says “bad boyfriend” as if it was a minor thing! He cheated. I gave him another chance. He did it again. I told him to prove his love. He didn’t bother – he just went off with other girls.
4. If I was really in a new relationship would my new bf be happy about my ex texting me such things!? He’s selfish and inconsiderate.

Then came the anger. How dare he call me "baby"? He doesn't have the right to call me that anymore. I'm going to be someone else's baby. And if he really thought I was in a new relationship, did he think my boyfriend would be okay with my ex sending me such texts? He was being him as usual - selfish.

I'm trying to get over him and every few months he does something like this to make sure I don't move on. If he was really remorseful, surely he would at least have had the decency to apologise in person? But he's probably just running out of girls who will give him a chance and wants to get back to where he felt 'safe'.

Well I have finally learnt to pity him rather than actually take his words seriously. As he said himself, it is way too late.

So I called back

I mentioned that I got a call from a number I didn't recognise. When I called back straight away it had gone to voicemail, but I decided that I needed to make sure it wasn't someone who was trying to get in touch with me and expecting a call back.

So I called again tonight, except this time I turned my phone to hide my number - it would show up as "private number" and wouldn't say who was calling.

It rang.

And then someone picked up. Someone male.

I have no idea who it was, and I wouldn't dare to hazard that it was Adam. I don't remember exactly what Adam sounds like on the phone anymore since it has been over 4 months since we've spoken on the phone.

"Hello, who is this?" I asked.

"God. You sound so hot. Why don't you come over?"

"I'm sorry, I got a missed call from this number."

"Wow. Are you sure you're not extremely sexy? You should just come over."

"I..I think I have the wrong number."

"Aww you think you have the wrong number. Darling.."

And I cut the call.

I was shaking so much. Completely. I panicked and texted my friend Claire to ask her to call them up. She said she was in bed and would text instead.

So she sent a text: "Hey, who's this? My mate got a missed called from this number and we didn't recognise it"

They tried calling her back, but she didn't pick up and then got a text saying "whose this?"

She said she kept getting phone call after phone call (a classic Adam trait) but she didn't pick up.

I now have absolutely no idea who it could have been or what they wanted. Sure, it could have been a joke, but I am really really possessive of my phone number and don't give it out easily. So it must be someone in my close friends, but I know none of them would play a prank like this.

I've never ever had a prank phone call in my entire life. 

This would be the first. And I really hope this would be the last.

Every time I don't recognise the number

So I just got a call from a number I didn't recognise and I missed it. When I called back, it went straight to voice-mail.

Every time this happens I freak out, thinking that it is Adam calling. There are not many people who have my number (something I tend to be quite guarded about), but there are even fewer people who have my number and whose number I don't have. So, it is quite a novelty to get a phonecall from a number I don't have.

I will probably try calling again tomorrow. Or maybe I should wait until they call again? If it's someone who really wants to get in touch, then they'll just call back?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

New blog!

I have realised that over the course of the past few months, while writing about my life and how I was recovering and building myself up again, I have also learnt a lot about relationships. These lessons are not just mine. They have originated through other people's struggles and, often, things I have heard about.

So, I am going to focus my personal story on this blog (now called amyslovestory.blogspot.com) and write about the relationship and life lessons I've learnt on a separate blog (becauseIgotlifetodo.blogspot.com).

"Babies are people."

Claire Elizabeth: Maaaaaan 

Amy: Exactly, man-up.

Claire Elizabeth: But surely if you wanna get tough you should woman up? Cos men have testicles and they're pathetic and delicate. But vaginas are like hardcore, they're built to take a pounding, and squeeze people out of?

Amy: haha I've heard that before. Lol not "people" claire! BABIES. Eww. You shouldn't have 'people' up there

Claire Elizabeth: Are babies not people too? Do they have no rights?

Amy: I can't believe I'm having this convo at quarter to midnight on good friday. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to deny the rights of half-baked humankind.

Claire Elizabeth: You reckon there's a better time to have it? C'mon there's no time like the present :p

Amy: True. But I think this conversation would have been funnier when you are in labour :p "push that person out of there!"

Claire Elizabeth: Haha when? If lol surely :p yes I shall push this small person out of me! Awk if it turned out to be a dwarf or something...

Amy: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha wow. I just fell about laughing. How do you tell the baby is a dwarf though when it's a baby? Unless you mean an actual dwarf, then that'll be some busted vagina.

Claire Elizabeth: No I mean a baby who will grow into a dwarf (though maybe grow isn't the right word there...) I dno, do they look weird or something?

Amy: Maybe you're confusing an elf with a dwarf? Then you'll be able to tell by his ears. Sorted.

Claire Elizabeth: http://knoahsarc.org/2006/12/15/so-what-does-a-dwarf-baby-look-like/

Claire Elizabeth: :D haha no cos elf's are proper sized -_-

Amy: That's disturbed.

Amy: No they're not. Not all of them are like the Elf from elf

Claire Elizabeth: Its cool, its her baby...

Claire Elizabeth: Yes they are! Don't ruin this for me!

Amy: No they're not. They are tinier than humans. You'll lived the illusion long enough, woman-up and grow-up.

Claire Elizabeth: Nooo in eragon they're full scale humans aren't they? 

Amy: Lol now you're bringing up that? Erm yes, but IT IS A LIE.


I had the above hilarious conversation with one of my friends yesterday about babies being referred to as 'people'. It is weird, but I never actually considered them as that. They are too perfect, too naive and too young. I believe becoming a person is something the world around you teaches you, but that would take simply take away the humour from the conversation.

Nevertheless, this seems like the perfect time to reflect on the past and what we learn from our childhood.

Sometimes it is worth remembering that we are all born without expectations and beliefs, which are cultivated over the years as we grow up and develop through our experiences and interactions with society. It seems easy to forget that we didn't always think the way we do now. I know that I am mistrustful of many people I meet even for the first time - the first impressions often take years to erode, but as a baby did we think twice about doubting the stranger who was making us giggle in that very moment?

There are many lessons we can learn from babies which I wish I could apply into my life now.

Lesson 1

Trust wholeheartedly.

While writing this I am hesitating on its validity. But I think it is important not to have misconceptions about people before getting to know them and 'where they come from'. I am too judgemental about the way people have acted with me once so that I deny them the opportunity of getting to know me again.

Lesson 2

Forgive and forget.

Ever met a young child after a few years? I have seen several of my cousins few years later and they have absolutely no recollection of what happened previously. They miss you for a few hours and then they forget you exist and become enveloped in the present instead. They forgive mistakes just as easily and never remember that you were the one who gave them that horrible tasting medicine that made them cry!

They will simply accept anything you give them again.

Lesson 3

Be generous with your love.

I recently visited my mom at the school where she teaches 5-year olds. Once I had gotten over the shock of how tiny these kids were, I saw that they were so affectionate towards me within a few moments.

One girl came up to me and showed me the latest drawing she had made and told me I was pretty. I was taken aback, but couldn't stop myself feeling the warm glow in my heart because the compliment was given so generously - she expected nothing back.

We should try to do the same and give love generously to people. I have been guilty of holding my love back in the past too much.

Lesson 4

Believe in miracles.

Now I can't convince myself that the magic coin my dad "finds" behind my ear is a miracle, but my baby cousin certainly does. Her eyes widen as she claps her stubby hands in delight.

I want to start believing in miracles again and stop feeling like everything is bad in the world. Sure, my life is not based on a fairytale, but seeing the beauty in every day things, for example, seeing the seasons change and walking along the Thames at night is a beautiful experience and I want to treasure it.

I also want to believe in the miracle of falling in love. It happens.

The nightmare(s)

My friends always get slightly worried when I tell them about my nightmares or "what I dreamed about last night" scenarios. Apparently, it is rare for people to remember their dreams, but I can almost always recall mine vividly, sometimes even months later!

Last night I had two separate and pretty much unrelated nightmares.

The first was about my mom. I don't know why I dreamed this particular dream, but I think it might have been something to do with the Race for Life run that I am doing in June. I signed up for the 5-km run in support of Breast cancer awareness and I was worried yesterday about whether or not I'll be fit enough to actually do it.

So last night I dreamed that it was my mom who had cancer and who had barely a few hours left to live. I remember holding her hand and telling her I loved her and then I remembered that we had barely spoken for a few days because of some childish argument and I cried even more - how could I have wasted the last few days of our time together?

She was having trouble speaking to us and I wanted her to write me a letter. I think this is just a lot of subconscious stuff I've been storing up in my mind as letter writing to spill feelings is a recent 'thing' I have developed. Then I remember that me and my father left to go and get something from the supermarket (no idea what could possibly have been that urgent), leaving  my sister behind.

Once we arrive at the supermarket, I turn around and my sister is there too. I get angry and am about to shout at her for leaving mom alone when my phone goes off. It's a text from my mom.

"I'm having difficulty keeping going.."

I read it and we drop everything and rush back.

We are too late and she has already passed away. I cry and scream and shout at my sister, telling her that our mom had to spend her last few moments alone because she left! I feel like I am never going to be able to forgive myself for this.

The scene dissolves.

My next 'nightmare' would actually have been called a dream, had it occurred a year ago.

I dreamt that I was finding it difficult to cope with everything around me and the only person who I could reach out to was Adam. I then dreamt that I ended up at his flat for the night and told him that I'd spend the night with him 'one last time'. It's scary that this has actually happened in real-life - multiple times.

Then we get into bed and just lay there talking, laughing and joking and I tell him that I'm in love with him, but that we'll never be together. He teases me about finally being able to say it and then we fall asleep. When we wake up, the door suddenly opens and in bursts Adam's flatmate, James.

"Just thought I'd catch you two out!" He grins and a camera flashes.

I try to cover my face as I don't want anyone finding out, but then Adam stops me and James carries on taking photos saying he will tell everyone that we're finally back together.

I don't remember the aftermath, which is frustrating as I wonder what would have happened in that sort of a situation and want to consider how my other friends would have reacted.

The second 'nightmare' felt like a huge step back and for the first time in a while I woke up and Adam was the first thought in my mind. I am trying so hard to stop myself from thinking about him because it just takes up my time and achieved nothing constructive. I want to stop focusing on the past and a dream like this just sets my recovery back.

At the same time, I think it is important to realise that there will always be days when I don't do so well and those are the times when I have to continue fighting and believe that it will get better in the end.

Letter to a cheating ex-boyfriend 2

Dear Adam,

I was just reading through the first letter I wrote to you and I realised that I had already learnt I could not go back to you so many weeks ago and yet I am still spending time thinking about the fact that you may yet change. What am I thinking!?

I want to tell you that I know what you're trying to do. You are trying to move on as quickly as possible to someone else and are hunting down any girl who would fall for you. Well it just isn't as simple as that. I tried the same thing. I tried to move on quickly after we broke up and ended up running into the arms of many guys who all wanted to be with me now that I was single - it's a shame you don't have that!

But I am slowly realising that their attention is only a temporary pill of happiness and satisfaction and until I learn to be happy on my own, I could never be happy with another guy. Guess you don't know that big secret. I was so hurt when you left that there were times when I couldn't see beyond the next day because I didn't think I could survive, but guess what? I have and I am so much stronger and wiser for that.

I told one of my friends recently that my next relationship would be so successful simply because I learnt all my lessons with you. I needed the experience that you gave me and I have decided to stop being the 'victim' in the story. This is my life, why should I let you be the main focus point?

I have barely told anyone outside university about our relationship which means that once I die, so does our relationship is the minds of everyone else - me and you would never have existed except for in your mind. I wished that you had seen me differently and seen how much I was willing to do for you, but you were too short-sighted to see anything beyond your own pain.

There were many many times when I needed someone there for me so much. Did you know that one of my friends passed away late last year? This was around the same time as we were fighting and I decided to break contact. I realised that you weren't going to be there for me in the future, so why go through the trouble of letting you know my past and present? I wanted to come clean about so many things about me. I wanted you to understand who I was by seeing where I came from and finding out all about my background, but you took away that chance when you decided not to prove yourself to me.

It's funny that the night I spent with you when you begged for us to get back together was the very same night that you messaged your friend in Imperial asking about that Sandra (was that her name?) girl and whether she liked you. Ooops I guess she didn't! Poor you, being unwanted by so many people. What happened now?

I think that when you were with me and you got attention from other girls over summer, it went to your head and you thought it would last. Didn't you? You thought that if all those girls wanted you, you could definitely do better.

But I agree with Sophia, our mutual friend, who said, "He can't do better than you."

Because, Adam, you can't.

I realised this because you once said to me "You think I can't get any other girls, that's probably why you chose me, because you thought I would be faithful."

I was so shocked! I hadn't even considered that to be the reason! I have had so many gorgeous guys approach me and I have turned them down. Not because I'm scared all the other girls want them, but because we just didn't connect. You have such poor self-esteem that you couldn't see that anyone could actually want you. I was the stupid one to think that I did.

I know I'm wanted. Not only by guys, but by friends and family. I am loved. You said you felt like an outcast in your own family and the thing is, you probably are. I can't quite put my finger on it, even after all this time, but it's like you just don't belong anywhere. I thought you belonged with me. Stupid me!

I'm trying very hard to forgive you nowadays because I don't think you knew what you were doing consciously. You were always the impulsive kind, and you never thought about the consequences. Now you're lying in the bed you made, boy. I feel sorry for you because you didn't know your own worth. You didn't realise that I liked you and wanted to be with you. And nothing I could have said or done would have changed that. I think even if I said "I love you" to you, it wouldn't have meant much because you had completely shut yourself off to the possibility of love from another human being.

I know I made a lot of mistakes with you. There were times when I made you feel worthless and I was worried about what "other people will think" but I am learning and I will improve. I've already started. I still miss our friendship just because you made me laugh and you listened to me. But I don't miss the way you treated me. I keep thinking about being friends with you again, but I won't attempt that until I am totally over you and I have forgiven you.

We've almost completed second year. Can you imagine that we have spent an entire term and only seen each other twice!? We used to spend every second of every day together last year. But you won't believe me when I say it has helped me make so many new friends and open myself up to more experiences. I have interacted with people and actively put myself out there!

I was so frustrated when you blocked me from your Facebook, and kept thinking "How Dare HE!?" but I think it wasn't about me. It was about you. You couldn't stand to see me having fun and enjoying my life. You couldn't stand to see me with our mutual friends and looking damn gorgeous (even if I do say so myself!). So you blocked me. Well I was childish enough to block you too. I wonder if you'll ever unblock me. Would you be tempted to? I'm not sure, but I think I shouldn't care at all! After all, would you care?

There are times when I just pity you. Because you deserve to be forgiven and pitied. Poor Adam, unable to find love after giving up on the best thing you had. Even if you find another girl, Adam, it will never be the same and I'm sure you know that. You know that she could never offer everything I did. How about you do the "by definition" test on her? Let's see if she notices that actually by definition is wrong! Then I suggest you just propose to her!

One of our mutual friends is getting married soon. I though we'd be the first! *cue laughter*

I think that if we had got married, you'd still have gone looking for something better because you weren't comfortable in the relationshipshit. Well we'll never know now.

But you should know one thing for sure. I'm moving on, eventually. I believe that it will get better in time. Time heals after all.

Have a nice life,

Amy

Learning to forgive

I was recently just thinking about something which I had told Adam a few weeks before I actually cut contact.

I had decided to walk away and told him "Have a nice life." It was an odd thing to say. Something you might throw at someone when you have had a minor argument or as a sarcastic reaction to something silly they might have said.

But today I realise the finality of it. Many times following a run-into him over the past few months I have made up my mind and decided that I will probably never see him again. Or if I do, it will be for a fleeting moment at graduation or something.

I think it is important to understand these words. I need to notice that I wanted him to have fun and enjoy his life. I just didn't want to be a part of it. I need to let go of the hurt and just forgive him for his mistakes. He is not necessarily a bad guy. He just didn't care about how I may have felt. He was being selfish, perhaps unintentionally.

More importantly, forgiveness means I find the strength in myself to move-on by realising it wasn't about me. It was about him. His insecurities and his need for attention drove him to cheating. It had nothing whatsoever to do with my flaws. I find it easy enough to write this down, but even as I type, I am thinking "What a lie. If I hadn't done that... or done this.."

But I am hooked onto revenge at the moment. I want him to desperately feel the pain and not be happy in his life. That's so wrong. I shouldn't care what he's moved on to because I should spend that time on me. I have so much work to do, so many things to fit in, that the time I am wasting on him simply isn't worth it.

"He blocked me!"

It's crazy how quickly my mood can change.

I had been missing Adam so much for the past few hours that I decided to 'stalk' him on Facebook. I clicked on his profile. I got an error message saying that I didn't have permission to view that page.

He had blocked me.

I completely lost it! I can't believe that he has the cheek to block me after everything he has done. He put me through hell and now he's shutting me out of his life as though I'm getting in the way of his 'amazing' life. I feel even more hurt than before. About a month ago he told me he was still in love with me, and how he has blocked me.

I can't believe that such small news can affect me so much and I can blow it out of proportion so easily. It has been over three months since I made the decision to stop all contact because his place in my life was toxic. I made the choice. But I didn't think he would go ahead and block me completely.

I wanted attention from him and I want him to decide to change for me, but he's obviously made his choice and he's not coming back. He might as well be screaming "I don't want you, go away!"

I just hate him.

I miss you like crazy

Dear Adam,

I don't know where to start, simply because we have been strangers for so long. I can remember when I thought I knew you better than anyone else and I felt you knew me well too. All that seems like a different lifetime.

I wanted to write to you to let you know that I miss you like crazy. I miss you every single moment of every day and I spend the time just thinking about how happy you made me and wonder what you're doing right now. It's scary to imagine that this time last year we were dreaming our entire lives together. How foolish were we!?

The saddest part is that you probably don't even know this.

I heard you went home last weekend from your flatmate. I was shocked that you would go home on the weekend before we were due to move back anyway, but then I started questioning if this was because of me. Were you so upset after seeing another guy hugging me that you had to get away from it all?

I just keep thinking about whether you even remember me or if you've found love somewhere else. The temptation to find out, either through a friend or by logging onto your Facebook is so great, but I know that will stall my recovery, and truth be told, I'm afraid of what I may find.

A part of me wants to call you up right now and tell you everything. But I don't know how you will react. I don't even know if you might be with another girl and I would just be getting in the way.

But I can't go through everything again. I can't deal with the pain you put me through the first time, and recently someone told me that cutting contact means there is "no new pain" and at least that part is true. I just need to wait for the old pain to fade away.

"Time heals" everyone tells me. They say that I will move on and fall in love with someone who deserves my love, but I just feel like that chance was you, and you gave up on us. I guess the only part of me that doesn't blame me reminds me that you chose to cheat and then you chose not to prove your so-called love for me. If you had wanted me bad enough, you would never have done that.

You were an important lesson of my life. I just wish I hadn't been taught that lesson through so much pain, so young.

I miss you, but I'm moving on. Time heals.

Amy

A Crap Friday Night

I went out last Friday night with a friend who had been nagging me to go clubbing for a while. As it had been a few weeks since I had had a proper night out, I thought it would be good for me.

We decided that it had to be a upper-class venue and decided to go for either Mayfair or Chelsea, eventually going for Upper West (Abel) in Chelsea. I would NEVER recommend this club to anyone. The drinks were too expensive, the venue was sub-standard and we were made to pay even though we were on the guest-list. Unlike some of the other clubs, the bouncers and entry staff were rude and everyone seemed to be 30/35 or older. I went with three other girls and we all felt out of place. It seemed unnaturally 'mature' even though the club itself was good.

I danced, but the music was quite crappy and I kept thinking about how if I had called up Adam, he would have come to pick me up and we would have spent the night together afterwards. I missed him even when I was supposed to be having fun.

There were no guys our age and there were certainly not any that I was interested in, but I felt guilty leaving Clara behind, who had wanted to go out for ages.

We hung around until around 2am and eventually decided that we couldn't take any more and told Clara we were leaving. She was too busy with a guy to notice and we left.

I got back late and saw that Mack had texted me.

15/3/2013 15:46: Mack: Alright, sounds good. Enjoy Mayfair and if you find it boring txt me. I'll be dancing until three at Kingsway.

15/3/2013 16:03: Amy: Thanks! Woahh have fun dancing the night away :)

15/3/2013 16:11: Mack: I always do, I can count on not being bored when I go dance ;)

I was bored. Plus I wanted some attention from him. So I texted him back that I had just finished and was heading back now. He said that he was also out at a Salsa/Tango party and he would be up for meeting up if I wanted at 3am.

15/3/2013 23:26: Amy: How's salsa?

15/3/2013 23:27: Amy: Party hasn't started yet here.

16/3/2013 01:39: Mack: It's fucking awesome! And it's tango :p sorry u have had my phone in me all night. Hows ur night?

16/3/2013 01:41: Mack: It us ending in 1hr though so if you want to Do something let me know!

16/3/2013 01:44: Mack: Jesus spell check is wrong. I haven't had my phone on me. And it is ending...

16/3/2013 02:15: Amy: I just finished!

16/3/2013 02:15: Amy: It got better in the end

16/3/2013 02:15: Amy: How was yours?

16/3/2013 02:18: Mack: Its barely going. People are getting tired but I'm up.  What r u doing?

16/3/2013 02:20: Amy: Just getting my stuff from the cloakroom now

16/3/2013 02:24: Mack: Want to run around for a bit

16/3/2013 02:25: Amy: What?

16/3/2013 02:25: Amy: Where?

16/3/2013 02:28: Mack: Idk London. Idk whats open but we can try to find alcohol for myself at least.

16/3/2013 02:28: Amy: Oh god

16/3/2013 02:28: Amy: You want to get even more drunk?!

16/3/2013 02:29: Mack: Im not drunk. Can't be to dance. That's the problem :(

16/3/2013 02:29: Amy: Where are you now?

16/3/2013 02:29: Amy: Oh.

16/3/2013 02:29: Mack: Kingsway, by Belgo just north of lse. Come see the end of the milonga!!

16/3/2013 02:30: Mack: Seriously, it will make you rethink why you go out at night.

16/3/2013 02:30: Amy: Really?

16/3/2013 02:30: Amy: I won't be there for a while

16/3/2013 02:31: Amy: I'm just getting out now

16/3/2013 02:32: Mack: U have 30 minutes to see me dance. I'll wait after to go do something so don't worry about missing me.

16/3/2013 02:32: Mack: Milonga ends at three.

16/3/2013 02:33: Amy: Okay

16/3/2013 02:33: Amy: I'll get off at holborn

16/3/2013 02:33: Amy: And msg you when I'm off

16/3/2013 02:33: Amy: Btw phone has low battery

16/3/2013 02:33: Amy: If you don't hear from me by 3

16/3/2013 02:33: Amy: Just leave

16/3/2013 02:34: Mack: Ok sounds good. 

I thought about what I was doing. I barely knew him and he was much bigger than me. It was a ridiculous time to be meeting up with a stranger. Only me and Adam had ever met up at such a time. But I said yes. I said I would head back and meet him close to his dance place.

I reached at 3am and started walking towards the party. He was leaving and we met each other half-way. He said I looked gorgeous and I blushed. He was taller than I remembered. I was used to being taller than Adam in heels, but Mack was much taller. He held me close and I felt safe. Weirdly, I felt like I could rely on him.

We started walking and he asked where I wanted to go. I said I was freezing so he could walk me back.

I had dressed for a club and was wearing no tights, just a dress and heels. It was 0 degrees Celsius outside. Mack noticed that I was freezing and told me to hold his beer. He took off his scarf and wrapped it around me.

"That's better, right?"

"Haha really. I don't need it!"

"Yes, you do. You look frozen!"

I thanked him and we kept walking. I was thinking about how Adam would always insist I take his coat whenever I was cold. I would never accept it, and he would kept pressurising me. He never just took it off and gave it to me until I said "yes" though.

We walked back and talked about his University in the States and how he liked London. He was definitely better looking than Adam, but I wasn't physically attracted to him. And I really didn't want him to kiss me or make a move.

We reached my Halls of Residence and he stopped outside and asked that I should think about what I wanted to do the following night (Saturday).

"Dinner, maybe?"

"I'll let you know." I smiled.

"Okay sure."

He left, just giving me a hug and kissing me on the cheek.

I walked into my room in a daze. It was weird. He seemed so perfect, but I didn't even want to give him a shot at a relationship with me. I just wasn't ready. I kept wanting to move on, but it just felt so wrong and I felt guilty about using Mack as a rebound, he seemed genuinely interested.

I think I should give him one chance. After all, I only started liking Adam as more than a friend after spending hours and hours with him and only when I found out that he really liked me.

Was it just a way of validating my interest? He liked me, so I had to like him back? I guess the subconscious part of me wanted it that way because suddenly I wanted something more with him than I had. Maybe Mack deserved that chance too?

And again

So I ran into Adam again last Friday.

It seems like he has timed his arrival perfectly to occur exactly as I am starting to get over him. I was heading back to the library after a lesson and threw myself down at a computer.

Just as I sat down I noticed him near the printer and absolutely freaked out.

He looked cute and more importantly he was here. He was close enough to reach/to talk to/ to kiss/ to hold.

But I pretended I hadn't seen him. We almost walked into each other twice and I started frantically texting Britney.

"He's here. He's here. He's here."

"Asha, Calm down."

"He's right here!"

Then I looked up and he was walking towards a seat behind me. Our eyes met and I blushed. He came over.

"Hi"

"Hi," I replied.

He looked at my screen, where Shania Twain's song, 'You're Still The One' was playing.

"Still listening to crappy music I see," He grinned.

I couldn't help smiling. He had always teased me about my taste in music.

"But to be honest, I do like Shania Twain. She's good. Anyway, how's life? How's everything going?" He asked.

"It's going good."

"Okay. Well I'll see you around."

"Okay."

And he walked off. I had an hour before my assignment was due in and I freaked out completely. All I had to do was see him and I couldn't stop shaking. I missed him so much, but I couldn't find the words or the time to tell him. I also didn't know if I even wanted to tell him.

I hadn't seen him in so long that it felt unnatural that this was the guy I had spent 24 hours a day this time last year.

I texted one of my friends (male) and asked him to come to the library as I really needed someone to talk to. He eventually came a few minutes later and I told him I needed a hug after freaking out over my ex-boyfriend. He obliged. Just as we were talking, Adam walked past in the distance. I'm not sure whether he saw us hugging, but later on as he was walking past once again, he gave me a dirty look and carried on walking.

It's mind-games all over again. First he comes over and makes a joke which he knows will hit home with me and then he tries to hurt me by giving me a horrible look. I think he may have assumed that me and the friend who had come to my rescue were in a relationship, but it doesn't give him the right to that kind of reaction. He's been a relationship with multiple girls.

He left the library soon afterwards. I couldn't focus and didn't manage to complete my assignment. That annoyed me more as I need to prioritise my work over him. Why does he continue being a distraction?

A broken friendship

A few days ago I had an argument with my roommate, Britney.

I had only become good friends with Britney this time last year and we had got along very well. I enjoyed her friendship and since we had started sharing rooms in October, we had developed a weird mind-reading connection as we knew each other so well.

But a few days ago it all broke down. I had known when I agreed to share a room with her that we would have loud arguments, but I also thought that we would become best friends. Then I started noticing just how immature and inconsiderate she could be. There would be times when she would delete my posts from her Facebook wall because it looked like I was the only one posting on her wall and she wanted it to be many people so she looked 'popular'.

She would also go on about how many likes a comment she made had got or if someone she didn't know well liked her picture. There were times when I would be crying because of Adam and she would make an insensitive joke. Or she would bring him up in conversations and say things like "I wish I get a boyfriend like Nick (one of our friends), not like Adam! That was unfortunate."

Or she'll give me empty threats to never advice me on anything saying "You don't listen to me anyway, so I refuse to say anything about your relationship or anything else."

She would also tell everyone how she loves them even after a few days of knowing the person and she would go on about every guy who looked her way. Often I would get mad when I would find out that she had told many of our mutual friends and some of her friends who I didn't know well about what had happened between me and Adam. Considering that I didn't want it to become common knowledge and for my pain to be spread all over campus, this hurt.

Eventually something had to give.

And it happened last week.

Britney had just got back from a weekend in Barcelona. She had gone there with two of her friends and she was excited and wanted to tell me all about it.

While she had been away I went on a date with Branton and on the day she was leaving I had told her that I was going on a date that night.

"And I care because...?" She had replied.

Taken aback, but knowing she was busy packing, I let it go.

She got back on Monday morning.

I found out that she was skyping with one of our mutual friends that night and she didn't tell me. By chance, I had also tried to arrange a skype date with the same friend, and she told me that her and Britney were speaking that night. Britney didn't mention it at all and I realised that she didn't want me to be involved.

I had meant to tell her all about my date. But I wanted her to ask. I had mentioned it that morning when we were both getting dressed and I wanted her to care enough to ask.

She didn't.

Then it was time for her skype chat and she started skyping. I was in a twist. Branton had asked me to meet up, but so had Mack and Brad. I was feeling overwhelmed from all the attention and just wanted to be left alone. And I needed to talk. So I invited my friend Sunny over. I needed advice and support and I really needed it at that moment.

Sunny came over immediately. I told her what had happened with Branton and showed her all the texts. Halfway through our conversation and discussion, Britney finished skyping. She then turned around and demanded to know what we were talking about. I said I would tell her later and it really was no big deal anyway. I felt like she didn't care and she wouldn't want to know.

Over the past few months, when ever I had come close to crying, I had simply left the room and gone to see Sunny or just gone for a walk. I felt like I was a constant distraction to her and I would be imposing myself on her as a burden. I didn't want that and I didn't want to have to 'owe' her anything. So I would just leave.

She continued to demand to know which guy I was talking about and I continued refusing. Eventually she got up and went to her desk, saying "I am not talking to you again."

I ignored her, knowing her tendency to make such empty threats. But this time she wanted to drag it on.

After Sunny left, I started telling Britney about the date.

"No, I don't want to hear anything."

"But, you did! And I was going to tell you once Sunny had left. Now she has, so I want to tell you."

"I don't care. I don't want to hear anything."

"I'm really sorry for ignoring you, but I was freaking out and I just really needed to talk and didn't want to explain it to you then."

"Mhmmm"

"Brit, it's true. You know I wouldn't hide anything from you!"

I continued apologising and she continued rebuffing my attempts until I gave up and left to go for a shower - at 2am in the morning.

When I returned I asked if she was ready to hear my side of the story yet. She said no. I decided that I would leave it for now and pursue this again tomorrow.

I couldn't sleep well and got up early. I had a 9am class to rush to, but I left behind a note saying I was sorry and I did trust her, but just wanted to tell her later. I had expected to receive a message saying she had seen it, but I didn't get any texts from her, and I didn't enquire. I knew we had to discuss it though, it was too difficult otherwise and I didn't want her to hold a grudge against me.

(to be continued)

The judgemental views

I recently started posting on a relationship website/blog after being a regular reader for the past few months and at first the advice/comments I received were kind, the mood soon turned sour and I got a few replies along the lines of "What the hell are you doing, you selfish cow?" without the explicit rudeness.

I was angry and upset and vowed never to post again, but I soon decided to look at it in another way. I was wrong. I WAS using the dates I had gone on for an ego-boost. I wanted the attention. Sure, the comments were wrong in assuming I let the guy pay - I paid half. But the essentials were the same, I was leading these guys on while knowing that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with them because I was still hurting and still healing.

So I have made up my mind to tell Branton. I need to talk to him and clarify that I am not looking for a boyfriend but just a friend. Then I will see how it goes. If he really likes me he would be willing to be my friend and I would be happy. If not though, am I ready to lose the happiness he had brought into my life?

I'm not sure, but I know I can't keep dragging it on. It's not fair to him and it is not fair to me.

I don't know how to tell him, or when to tell him yet, but I know I need too. And soon.

Wasting time regretting

I realised a few weeks ago that every minute I wasted over regrets was a minute I was taking away from living my own life. But today I found a quote which perfectly describes what I meant.

My first date..ever

I talked about the Post break-up guy attempt 2, where a guy called Branton asked me out to dinner. I was excited about meeting up with him, but all I really wanted was to enjoy myself and hope that it went well.

But what I hadn't expected was my first proper date...ever.

While with Adam, I was never taken out to a nice restaurant (McDonalds is as fancy as it got for us) and he never really offered to pay for anything - eight months into the relationship and I still paid for 'my' half every time. I guess I didn't really miss being treated as much as I would have if I had known what it was like to feel special. Last Thursday Branton showed me.

I had finished late and rushed back to my Halls, having barely half an hour to get changed and get ready. I was considering changing my clothes, but didn't want to seem like I had tried too hard. I thought that it would be best to just stay in the clothes I had worn this morning so that he didn't think I had gone home just to change for him. But when one of my friends walked in as I was deliberating what to wear, she seemed aghast at me deciding to wear a very casual, vintage sports look t-shirt.

"I think you should perhaps change into something a little nicer," she suggested.

"I considered a dress, but I don't want to give him the wrong impression."

"NO dress! Not only is it -1 degrees outside, but that will definitely give him the wrong impression."

"Okay, how about this top?"

I held up a flowy sea-green top that was comfortable and clung onto my curves in the right places. Receiving her approval, I also put on an under-shirt as the top was slightly see-through and I wanted to be on my best 'friendly' behaviour.

"Make sure you give your best friend vibes."

"I will. I will ask him mid-way through dinner, 'Hey can you feel that? Those super friendly vibes'"? I winked at her.

We laughed and I continued getting ready. I hoped Branton wouldn't expect me to kiss him. I didn't want to.

I left and walked down to Covent Garden station.

I arrived at the station and texted him to let him know I was there. I was worried that he would ask me where I wanted to go and I really didn't want to be the one deciding. Not only because I barely knew the restaurants around the area, but also because I wanted to be with a guy who knew how to plan and act on them. After Adam, I needed a break from being the one who took all the initiative.

He texted me back soon afterwards saying he had also arrived.

He was still in the suit he had worn on the day and I was glad that I had changed into a nicer top, the sports top would not have been formal enough at all.

"Hi"

"Hi," I replied.

"I was trying to find you and couldn't see you!"

"I was just over there. And I was on time!"

We started walking and he led. It seemed like he had already decided where we were going to go. I was glad there had been none of the "What do you feel like doing?"

We arrived at Carluccio's. I was surprised. It was a very upscale Italian restaurant. And it was very romantic. I felt a bit uncomfortable too.

Branton had booked a table for us. I was really started to like this guy. He probably didn't even know. We were led upstairs by the waitress and she showed us to a table for two near the window. It was the best restaurant I had been to in a while.

We sat down and scanned the menu while we talked. I had expected the conversation to be awkward, but we seemed to have so much in common. I wished that I found him more physically attractive. He was a really nice guy, but until I felt the butterflies, I didn't feel like I could be with him as anything more than a friend.

The dinner was amazing and the conversation didn't stall. He made me laugh and even laughed at my poor attempts at humour. We were one of the last people to leave the restaurant and he paid for me. I have never had a guy pay for the entire dinner (with the exception of family members) and I was flattered. It really was my first proper date.

When we left he asked me how I was getting home. I said I was walking and he offered to walk back the way I was going. I accepted the offer. He walked me halfway and then I said I had to go the other way and he turned to me. I felt really awkward. I didn't know what to do.

"I had a really nice time tonight. Thanks." I said.

"Yes, so did I."

"Oh and do send me the link about Wicked, I want to see it." We had talked about my favourite musical, Wicked, and he had suggested I watch the last performance of one of the main characters.

"Ofcourse! Yes, I will."

We were silent for a split second and then I said "Bye, Branton." He returned the goodbye and I walked off. We didn't even shake hands or hug. I was pleased he hadn't tried anything.

He texted me before I even got back and asked to meet the following Thursday, telling me he had had a really good night. I didn't reply as I wasn't sure how I felt. I liked him, but as a friend. I enjoyed his company, but didn't want any romantic/physical relationship.

I guess I don't want him to be my rebound. He is a really nice guy and I know he could make me happy, but I want to find the right person for me, and I just don't feel like it's him and this time I am going to listen to my 'gut'. My 'inner voice'.

Crocodile tears

I have been thinking about why I was so unwilling to leave Adam. The moment he started crying my heart would open up and I would feel ashamed that I could ever contemplate leaving a guy who was obviously so in love with me that it made him cry (remember the Westlife song?).

Until today I never really doubted his tears. But today I seem to have noticed that they helped him get whatever he wanted. For example, just before summer, when our relationship first started showing cracks, I suggested we take a break for the summer and he started crying and questioned, "How can you do this to me, don't you know how much I love you?"

I was completely shaken and said that I didn't mean it seriously and it was just a suggestion, ofcourse we didn't have to take a break if he didn't feel like we should. There ended that conversation. Somewhere is his rather small head, it must have clicked that tears were the way forward.

It seems to have taken me a long time to realise that they were just crocodile tears. He was using my emotional vulnerability to try to get me to hold on and not let go of him. I simply believed them. But I have also learnt my lesson that emotions and what the person says is much less important than what they do. If they go hot and cold on me and their actions don't match their words, it is a clear sign that I can't have a fulfilling relationship with them.

I hope this is a lesson I won't forget soon and I won't fall for tears again. I need more than just being washed over with emotion.

The Hell Yes | Hell No Guide

I think there are often times when I wish I had a simple checklist/guide to follow when deciding whether or not to take a 'thing' with a guy further. I think it would just make the whole process so much easier if there was no 'grey' area and everything was either a hell yes or a hell no - if it isn't a hell yes, then it HAD to be a hell no. So here is my list which I think anyone can apply universally:

HELL YES

Hell yes to the man who...

• Calls you up all the time and asks how you are
• Wants to be with you in your future and is not scared of planning it with you
• Wants to protect you
• Worries if you're cold when you are out together and offers you his coat
• Keeps in touch and contacts you regularly
• Explains his actions
• Proves his love and provides evidence for his feelings
• Treats you unexpectedly
• Makes you laugh and 'gets' your sense of humour
• Appreciates your 'weird' quirks
• Tells you you're beautiful and means it
• Doesn't look at and doesn't try to make you jealous of other girls
• Sacrifices his own time to do the things you love
• Has dreams and ambitions
• Works hard
• Wants to provide for you
• Wants to show you off to all his friends

HELL NO

Hell no to the man who...

• Disappears mysteriously for days and doesn't offer a satisfactory reason
• Breaks his promises, no matter how small
• Starves you of attention to make you 'want him more'
• Jokes about your looks, religion, beliefs, interests
• Doesn't respect you
• Hits on other girls or compliments them continuously on their looks, while not telling you you're beautiful
• Says all the right things without backing them up
• Apologises but makes the same mistake repeatedly
• Ignores you in front of his friends
• Physically or emotionally hurts you - including mind games!
• Tries to make up for his lack of interest by buying you expensive gifts
• 'Forgets' things which are important to you 
• Cheats on you or is unfaithful to you

Would you add other things? Or perhaps remove some?

The day Valentine was slaughtered

My younger sister pointed out that we celebrate love on the day that St Valentine was martyred. Perhaps it is a play on the idea that we are all martyrs of love?

My Valentines Day started off depressingly normal, I left to go to the library at 9am and then had classes and lectures until 7pm in the evening. I had hoped that Adam would actually keep his word and surprise me with flowers or a card or something along those lines, but I was disappointed as usual.

At around 6pm I got several messages from my roommate, Britney, that Anna, our other roommate, had broken her ankle and was in the hospital, waiting to get operated on. I was in a lecture then, and said I would rush back a.s.a.p. after my lecture and head straight to the hospital, but was told that she couldn't have visitors yet.

At the end of the lecture, Branton asked me if I could help him pick out flowers for his mum, who he was meeting. I said yes and suggested a flower stall. We walked there together and spent some time arguing over the best colour of roses and the perfect bouquet. He bought one, thanked me, and we went our separate ways.

While walking back towards my Halls, it was sickening to see hoards of couples milling about, the women clutching flowers and cards and the men holding on tightly to their 2013 Valentine choice. Do people just wait until 14th Feb to celebrate love?

I arrived back home, and Britney said that we can go to the hospital now, so I dropped my bags and headed straight there. I was exhausted, but worried about Anna, she had seemed fine in the morning, but a broken ankle sounded really serious. We reached the hospital and after much ado, finally managed to track her down. She looked pale, but said she couldn't really feel any pain.

The attractive doctors kept all three of us roommates distracted as we made small talk, discussing what her parents wanted her to do (they lived in Spain and wanted her to fly back for the operation). We stayed at the hospital long enough to make sure Anna was comfortably settled and promised to come back in the morning with all the things she needed.

Me and Britney headed back to Halls, bemoaning our lack of 'love' on Valentines. We reached and decided to watch a romantic movie to at least lighten the mood. We watched Sandra Bullock's Two week's notice which was a dull and predictable movie, but it definitely got us more involved into the mood of the night. We both headed off the bed soon after, but I felt like I had made it.

I had been so worried about this day, for no reason. It seemed that everything I was scared of revolved around the idea of being alone, but it was just another day - why did it have to be such a big deal?

Post break up guy attempt 2

In December I wrote about the first 'approach' I had had following my split from Adam. A guy friend had told me that he wanted something more than friendship. Yesterday, it was guy attempt number 2.

I had recently become friends with Branton. He was introduced to me by a mutual friend and he was in all my lectures. He was a Chinese international student and had lived in the UK for a few years before starting at university. At first we just talked whenever we saw each other - random conversations about work, shopping, hobbies etc, but when I was running for the position of President of the Investment Society last Wednesday, I asked him to come and vote.

We exchanged numbers and he turned up. There was another guy who had offered to turn up and vote, but he didn't, so I didn't really expect Branton to, either.

I was happy to see him and the conversations were never awkward, which helped. But I was not at all physically attracted to him. He wasn't particularly good-looking and I couldn't ever imagine kissing him. I have noticed that a take a keen interest in lips now, and his didn't look smooth or kissable.

But yesterday he asked me out for dinner. And I said yes.

I'm not exactly sure why I said yes, given that I don't want a relationship with him, and I really don't want to sabotage another friendship either, but I guess it just feels good to get attention from a guy, something I crave more and more these days.

And you never know, I might just have a good time.

Too light to fall

The single thing that I was most looking forward to in my "21 before 21" list was sky-diving. But that has suffered a set-back. I emailed a sky-diving centre and was told that my weight was too low, "We don't have any instructors light enough who would fall at the same speed as you in freefall."

I am really disappointed, but as I hope to do this in June, I have time to build up my weight before then. I have been trying really hard to do this, keeping a calorie count that I need to exceed and drinking a post-workout protein shake, but the weight is still not increasing.

I think my best bet is to just continue and hope it gradually does go up. I believe that the main hindrance is the stress and my eagerness to skip meals when I simply 'can't be bothered'.

I really want to qualify as a sky-diver though, so perhaps that is motivation enough?

Round and round?

It has been crazy since last night. I have that sick feeling you get when you are buckled in into the seat on a roller-coaster and you are questioning what on earth made you do this. I feel nervous and scared.

Last night I heard from Adam after two and a half months of no contact. I hadn't even seen him in two months! It was a Facebook message. I was terrified. I didn't want to open it, but I didn't know what to do. I was curious, but I didn't know if I should satisfy my curiosity.

After I had logged on to his Facebook, I told myself I would stay away from it for a while. I needed the space and I had found out enough to give me the conviction to believe in myself. But then the message arrived on my Facebook.

I guess I was to blame. I had wanted to go to a Pub Quiz for a while, but I hadn't gone because the one that my friends went to was 'his' thing and he went with them every Monday. I mentioned it to one of my girlfriends who went with him and she invited me along. I really wanted to go, as much for the quiz as to see him, but I knew it was wrong.

I eventually decided not to go, but she must have told him, because he messaged me.

hi, hope you're doing well,
I heard through Safiya that you were thinking of coming to the pub quiz earlier tonight but then you went to A&E (hope you're okay and that its some other drunken idiot) - would've been a bit awkward without telling me at all but at the same time it might have been fun. Basically tomorrow 'FLAT 1' are having a pancake thingy and I saw you might be attending, would you let me know if you are (or let them know so they can let me know)? I still have feelings for you and I grappled so hard with the decision to send you/ not send you a valentines card for Thursday (its hard enough sending this message) but all I was going to say was that I'm sorry for how it ended and that uni/ life really sucks without you. I miss you so much and I'm still in love with you. So it would be really hard for me to see you again.
Adam B.

As I read it, after freaking out for about an hour, I felt my heart melt. It sounded just like the guy I used to have feelings for. But then I started to read between the lines. He mentioned Valentines Day, but he already had plans to sleep with Chloe. How could he lie so easily!? Then I remembered that that had been a repeating pattern throughout our relationship. I tried hard to not let it affect me, but I hated what he was trying to do to me. How could he think I could go through all that pain again? All the hurt is hard to remember when I'm feeling good, but I know that there were times when I was suicidal. That is not something I will forget in a hurry, even when times are improving.

I couldn't sleep at all last night after the message. I stayed awake for hours before managing to catch around two hours of sleep as I had to be up for a 9am class. I went to my class and then headed to the library. At around a quarter to 1 I decided to get lunch. As much as I wish it was just an innocent idea, I knew he had a class at 1 so he was likely to be walking towards university at the same time. I hoped I would run into him, just because I wanted to see what his reaction would be.

I had almost reached Sainsburys and realised that I would not run into him - he had a date planned with Chloe this morning anyway so I guessed he was probably still with her. But as I reached the drinks section, I saw him. Neither of us knew what to do. We both made eye-contact then looked away. I walked a few steps ahead and he turned out and reached out to stop me.

"Did you read my message?"

"Huh?"

"My message, did you see it?" He asked again.

"Erm no."

"Well you should. But I will tell you what I said anyway. I just hoped you were okay. I heard you went to A&E. How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Okay. And I wanted to know if you were going to the pancake party thing tonight?"

"I don't know. Are you going?"

"Well it depends. But I probably won't go."

"Okay."

"Do you want to grab lunch?"

"Erm..." I was silent. Yes, I wanted to have lunch with him. I wanted to joke around, have a laugh. But I was not going through all that crap again.

"That's a no. Okay, that's fine."

We left the superstore separately.

I headed to the library lunch area and I saw him walk past. He looked the same. He was wearing that horrible brown coat I hated, but I liked his new haircut. He hadn't changed. The same smile, the same arrogance. And I missed him like hell. My day seemed so much better just because I had seen him.

Soon afterwards, I felt a tap on my shoulder and he was standing behind me.

"You should read my message, you know." He said.

"Why, Adam?"

"Because I want you to. I think you'll like it."

"I don't know."

"Okay, well I think you should. How are you, anyway? How's life?"

"Life is amazing." I smiled. It was easy enough to lie to him, "It's really really good."

"Good."

"Yes."

"Well, read my message. I have the same number. Do you? Do you have the same number?"

I hesitated. He thought I had changed my number.

"Yes, I do." I hoped I wasn't giving him an invitation to contact me.

"Oh right. It was.." He recited my phone number just to prove he still remembered it.

"Oh whatever." I said, but I smiled.

He walked away and I returned to my lunch, still smiling.

I realised that it was him who made my day a million times better. I was losing that by letting him go, but I knew it had to be done, because it was also him who had hurt me more in a few weeks than I had been hurt my entire life.

In the evening I decided that I would go to the party at the mutual friend's place. I wanted to see him, but I didn't know for sure if he would be there. I spent a lot longer getting ready and made sure I looked good before I left. I asked one of my close friends to come along for emotional support.

I reached, full of anticipation. He wasn't there.

I asked my friend who was hosting the party why he hadn't come and she said he didn't give a reason. He just said he didn't feel like coming. I knew it was because of me.

The party was good and everyone enjoyed themselves, but I wished he had been there. I wanted him to see me and to miss me. I wanted him to want me back, but I also want to be over him.

I still haven't told him I have seen his message. I don't know if he's waiting to hear from me or he's just given up on me and is dreaming about his next one-night-stand. But I am determined that this will NOT be the beginning of another cycle of hell. I will got go through all that crap again, round and round the same scenes, conversations and fights - I have had enough for a lifetime.