I was talking to one of my friends who is going through relationship problems too. He said he was broken and could barely look forward to every new day. He asked me if I felt the same when I broke up with Adam and did I actually understand how he was feeling?
"I didn't break up with him when I found out he was cheating. I was on holiday. I couldn't eat for a week and couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop just fazing out and looking dazed all the time. Because I trusted him so much, but he kept telling me how much he loved me while he was going behind my back with other girls. I wanted to confront him in person.
When we did eventually break up, I knew I still wanted him (and a part of me still does) but I also knew that he was no good for me. I've not been sleeping well and since we broke up I've lost 2 stones (I now weigh 40kg) because I haven't been able to eat even. There are times when I'm surrounded by people and still feel so lonely because all I want is for him to be there and tell me everything will be okay. But what hurts the most is that he couldn't care less.
He told me that "you're not worth wasting my time with" and deleted me off bbm. This was on Sunday. We haven't had any contact since and I'm trying hard to not break down and contact him like I've always done, because there's no room for me in his life. About a month ago I told him that if he ever wanted to get back with me he needed to delete all the girls he'd been with over the summer off his phone and his facebook. He did delete them, and then he readded them a week later (and asked for their numbers back) on facebook. Saying that he'd been fraped by an idiot. He then deleted me off facebook. So this is why I can understand how hurt you are, because I'm hurting more. Sometimes I don't know how I'm going to make it without him. But I keep hoping that there'll be a day when I won't want him and I'll be happy again.
He hurt me emotionally and physically. He kept blaming me about it being my fault that our relationship didn't work out. And I started to believe him. I felt ugly and I thought that if I wasn't good enough for him, I'd never be good enough for any other guy. Then he'd play mind games with me, telling me I was worth nothing and he hated me, then saying he wanted to be with me forever and marry me. I couldn't go many days without just breaking down in a flood of tears. I would be so exhausted that I could barely walk. I still am.
I went to the doctor's yesterday because I felt unwell and he says I'm suffering from exhaustion and I might need a blood transfusion soon if I don't start eating and sleeping well. I'm emotionally broken. I don't think I'm ever going to trust another guy again, just because Adam was supposed to be 'different' to other guys, but he turned out to be exactly the same as the rest of them. I can't breathe properly at times and I struggle to laugh when people try to make jokes. I don't feel like going out and I'm practically living off paracetamol. That's why I know that you must be hurting. And that's why you don't need to explain it to me. Because I'm hurting badly too."
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