The End of an era

It is the last day of the year that mankind was not supposed to survive.

I have learnt so much over the past year. I have failed at many points but I have also achieved many of my dreams. I have a lot to be thankful for and I have even bigger dreams for the year ahead.

2012 has been such an incredible journey and I wanted to take a few moments to list (yes, those again!) the situations I have learnt the most from:

1. University Conference: As the President of the university conference I learnt a lot about how to manage my team, learn from mistakes and think on my feet. I am so grateful that I learnt this now rather than later
2. A cheating boyfriend: As I have shown in my past posts, this has been an experience that I never wanted to have, but it has made me so much stronger as a person and given me the ability to prioritise myself. I have also learnt about what it takes to make a relationship work and exactly what I want from a guy
3. Job applications: I was extremely lucky with my applications for internships in Easter. I learnt what works in an interview, and how to make sure I stay ahead of the competition. My roommate, Britney, refers to me as a CBT - a Cut-Throat Bitch - in the world of business and I am happy that I learnt this skill early!
4. Trusting people: this is related to number 2 (above) but having been through that I finally learnt to let friends in and trust people again. It has been such a long time since I trusted people and I would just hold all my thoughts and emotions in
5. Health: I have a new found urgency to improve my health. I want to gain weight drastically as I have lost so much over the past year and I realise that I am making myself ill which will affect my performance in every part of my life

These were the main lessons that 2012 taught me and I am a different person today than I was at the start of the year.

I still remember my wish at the beginning of the year. I wished for "A year better than the last" and I didn't get it. But instead I got "A better person today than last year" and I definitely think I traded up.

"Find yourself a husband"

I have been so excited about blogging this ever since this topic came up in conversation last night.

Yesterday was the last night the entire family (including my aunt and uncle's family) was together as their flight was early today. So, in a bid to have a 'good ol' catch up' me, my parents, my uncle and aunt and their eldest daughter were all sitting around the dining table reminiscing about our last holiday together, my elder cousins and how they had changed over time and discussing their prospective future.

I'm not sure exactly how we got to this topic, but my uncle suddenly said:

"So, Amy, tell me, do you have a boyfriend?"

I guess I should be pleased that instead of lying at least I could answer him honestly.

"No, Uncle, I don't. How sad is that?" I replied with a cheeky grin.

"I am her boyfriend! See, I am a boy, and I am her friend. Is that not so?" Dad jokingly said.

"Ahhh, Amy, you have a very sad life if that's how it is!" My aunt laughed.

"Ewww. No. You may be a boy, but you are certainly not my friend!" I said, aghast that my dad would make such a claim!

"Well, Amy, it is up to you to find yourself a husband. Find someone who's suitable. Not BMW [Black-Muslim-White]. And remember that family is very important" Uncle said in a serious tone.

I should probably explain the significance of this sentence in more detail before I go on. I am of Indian heritage - the eldest girl of Indian immigrants. I was born in India, though I have lived in the UK for the majority of my life. I grew up with Indian morals, where you marry with the permission of the whole family.

The term 'arranged marriage' is an out-dated concept within my family. Instead marriage works like a dating service, where prospective dates are chosen by your parents. Your parents introduce you to several guys who are of respective standing and who they believe will be suitable for you. You then go on several dates and if you both 'fall in love' and give your consent, preparations for your engagement are started.

You also have the opportunity to meet the guy's parents and family several times, to get to know them as well as possible. The length of time for which you date depends from person to person and, I think, varies from about 3 months to 1 year.

I had always believed that this was the same route as I was expected to take and thus constantly felt that me and Adam would never really work out because he was English. I knew that if I was sure that me and Adam were meant to be and he could make me happy and I brought that up with my parents they would never be opposed to it. They care first and foremost about my happiness. Anything that would make me happy is a straight "Yes", no questions asked.

A part of me was relieved, nevertheless, that I was not put into the position where I try to explain why I wanted to marry a white boy. But then the conversation continued. I talked to my Uncle, while everyone else quietened down to listen.

"huh, Uncle? What do you mean?" I asked.

"You need to make sure you choose someone who is suitable for you. He should be educated and you should know his family."

"Why is family so important? You are living with the person, not with their family."

"In the end, Amy, we are all like our families. I find that as I get older, my personality reflects my parents' character more and more. We learn most of what we know from our families. Our traits, our behaviours and our actions when the going gets tough, reflect our family's morals and what our parents taught us."

I was silent for a while. He had hit upon a point unintentionally. I had often thought about the fact that my family might not accept a non-Indian boy into the family. But I realised that it was more than that. Adam had cheated on me when the going had got tough - did that reflect his family values? And if it did, could me and him work out long term? Did I even want to join a family which lacked the most basic morals?

His words also made me think about it from a different perspective. I am from an upper-class, relatively well-off family. Would his family have been able to accept me? I remembered what Adam had once told me about his parents not being happy with his relationship with me because they "resent the fact that your family has money unlike ours". They might think I was deliberately showing-off if I wore nice clothes or if I wanted to travel more they would feel that I was being a spend-thrift and wasteful with money. Would I want those views forced on me?

"Okay, I can understand where you are coming from, but a person may not be like their family. And look at us. How often does dad meet my mom's family? Once a year maybe? While you would spend every day of your life with the guy, not his family. And let's say his family is not educated, but he is. Say he's at my university, studying my course. Doesn't that change things? He stands on the same level as me." I asked.

"Yes, Amy, but the person is a product of their family. There are exceptions I believe where a boy may be much more educated than his family, but that gap in the education between generations is not comfortable. He will never forget the poor roots of his background and that would make it unlikely that he would ever accept a higher standard for himself." Uncle reasoned.

A weird realisation started creeping over me. Adam was the first person in his family to go to university. No one in his family really read books, including him. He liked to talk about philosophical matters but he had no arguments to support them and there were many things which he just wasn't aware of. General knowledge was not his strong point and he never made an effort to find out more.

"Okay, I guess you're right. But what about the BMW rule? In this modern age, everyone is equal. So why should I discriminate as to who I can date and who I cannot date based on their skin colour or religion?" I asked.

My uncle glanced at my dad before answering, "Because you need to be compatible. I have absolutely nothing personal against any other race. But you should be comfortable in the relationship."

"But I don't have many 'Indian' traits left. I would say I am part of the British culture more than the Indian culture." I said.

"You 'think' so.." My aunt added, "It's not true."

"She's right, Amy." Dad nodded in agreement.

"You may not be religious, but if he is, he'll expect you to follow his religion or at least appreciate it." Uncle continued, "In a marriage there will be many points where you don't agree - why add another? It is about finding someone who understands and appreciates your background. He should respect your parents' views too. Would you be happy with someone who sneers at the traditions your parents continue?"

I went into flashback again. I remembered a time when Adam had made a snide remark about arranged marriages when I had first tried to explain it to him. He didn't even try to understand.

"At the end of the day, it has to be someone who makes you happy and who will continue to do so. Someone who you respect and who respects you," Aunt quietly said.

This whole conversation was an eye-opener and just made me feel so much more free. I was glad the topic had come up because I had always wanted to see my parents' reactions and I was lucky enough to not have had to initiate the conversation.

I disagree with the religion and race requirements as I simply don't think that it should be a consideration for love. If you are meant to be, you will be. I think that there are many English boys I know who probably respect my culture more than some of the Indian ones. But then there must be just as many counter-examples to that. I guess it just depends on the person.

I realised that my family was a lot more open minded than I had thought and I was almost free to fall in love with whoever I chose. But this also made me look back at mine and Adam's relationship and wonder if things would have worked out differently if I had believed that me and him would have had my parents' blessings. I always thought me and him had no future, without causing strife in the family.

But I guess the other side of the argument was that he was never suitable for me as a person. He had a big inferiority complex which meant that he was never comfortable with my background and social standing. Perhaps me and him just weren't supposed to work out.

I also keep thinking about his family and friends and how it compares to mine. Adam was a heavy social drinker. He didn't drink at his flat, but he liked pubs and drank heavily when he was with friends. I had repeatedly told him that I hated him drinking and it worried me and he had readily promised that if I wanted him to give it up, he would do it in an instant. Yet he had never shown me that he could. I know now that it was stupid of me to think that he would ever give it up. Or even if he did, eventually he will go back to it - it was a part of his personality and a result of his friendship group.

Another part of our relationship was his obvious infatuation with money. It was never the fact that he was using me for money, but more that he felt inferior and wronged by my wealth. He didn't understand how I could just spend money without carefully considering a purchase several times and he often brought up the fact that I didn't want to be with him because I wanted someone 'rich' who would take me on extravagant holidays, or fancy restaurants. I had told him that I could afford any of that myself and didn't need a guy to be my personal bank. I had also tried to explain that I didn't care about fancy days out; I was just as happy staying in and watching movies on the laptop - I wanted to spend time with him and I didn't care what we did.

But I also think he overestimated just how rich I was. He thought my parents were billionaires, which couldn't be farther from the truth. Though I get almost everything I ask for, my parents are not even millionaires. I don't eat out at the Ritz every weekend. Yet my explanations always fell on deaf ears with Adam. Today gave me the opportunity to consider this from a family perspective. Adam has only known the life in his village and most of his friends and family can't afford half the things I have.

I think his family would never have accepted me either. They would never have said anything to my face, but I would never have felt comfortable in their house. I don't think I could have started a conversation with his father or mother without him being there. Did I really want a life like that?

Adam's background meant he could never have fit in well with my family either. I couldn't imagine introducing him to my parents and I couldn't imagine him ever treating my sister well or getting along with her. And even if my parents accepted him, my extended family would never be able to fully understand our relationship. A part of me feels that it was not so much Adam's religion (he was an atheist) or race that would have affected our relationship, but his background and his personality.

Now I know, however, that any future relationship has the ability to work out on my terms because I am clearer about who I want to be with in the long term. Prince Charming, here I come!

5 weeks today

It is 5 weeks since I talked to Adam in person today.

It has been 5 weeks since I last kissed him.
It has been 5 weeks since I last held his hand.
It has been 5 weeks since I hoped he wanted me.
It has been 5 weeks since I believed we could actually work out.

And what a crazy 5 weeks it has been.

I was surprised to work out that over a month has gone by since I have had any (significant) contact from him and I feel fine today. There have been so many up and downs and so many times when I just wanted to tell him that I desperately wanted him back as I knew we were just meant for each other (yeah, soppy-cliché alert). But I am slowly coming to accept life as a single girl and as someone who is going to be enough on her own before she tries to get back on the dating scene.

I feel that most of the hurt is gone now; I'm not mourning the relationship anymore. I am healing. And though it hurts as it heals too, it is an enlightening feeling to accept that I can make it through this, no matter how many bad days I have.

Reasons why I am glad he's gone

I came across a blog post which was about how the writer had struggled through a break-up and got her life back on track. Like me, she had been cheated on, but unlike me, she was married and had spent 13 years of her life with him - he was all she had known for a very long time.

I knew that cheating was not something which had exclusively happened to me, but it felt like I was the only one who had been unable to recover from it and was falling down and down into a crazy spiral. Reading her story put things into perspective that I had actually been really really lucky this time.

The blog also focused on how creating simple lists helped the writer. So I decided to try it out and see if it worked for me too. Here we go..

Reasons why finding out was lucky

1. I could have ended up actually falling hard for him, which would have made it even harder to recover
2. The longer I would have spent with him, the more opportunities for 'real love' I would have let go by
3. I found out during the Summer and I'm still finding it hard to work - imagine if it had happened during exam time!
4. I would have actually tried to make it work fruitlessly
5. I would have told my parents about him, which would have hurt them and then when I realised he was cheating I would have spread my pain to them too
6. It was a timely decision - the start of a new academic year - I could plan ahead better
7. I was no longer deluded that he is perfection itself
8. Imagine if I had actually never found out and ended up engaged or married to a guy who had never cared less!
9. I only wasted one year with him - any delays would have just increased that time
10. I always knew that we didn't fit in well together. This was proof that my gut instinct is almost always right

Reasons I am glad he is gone

1. I deserve better, but I couldn't have had that if I had continued with him
2. He consumed a lot of my time and effort and left me feeling exhausted because I was sick and tired of trying to work out his lies - I can now direct that energy in a more positive direction
3. I was made to feel inferior. Whether jokes or not, he made snide comments about my looks
4. He was a compulsive liar and incapable of being direct and straight with anyone (including family and friends)
5. He never made time for me and starved me of attention to make me want him more
6. He physically hurt me when he was drunk
7. He had a drinking problem which he was unwilling to accept or change
8. I had to find excuses all the time to not meet up with him because he was unwilling to give me space to breathe and I felt suffocated in the relationship
9. He would have held me back - he didn't support me in my dreams and visions
10. He never kept his promises. Ever.
11. There was no trust in the relationship which made us both paranoid about the other
12. He proved that there was no commitment in him - he moved on within a week and used 'I love you' loosely
13. I don't have to continuously try to remove his insecurities about himself - continuously telling him I want him or that I thought he was cute etc.
14. There are so many things I didn't do with him which gives me the opportunity to have a lot of 'special' moments with the perfect guy
15. I learnt a lot about relationships and about what it takes to make them healthy and well-functioning. This means that next time I will be better at it - meaning both of 'us' will be happier
16. I realised that I didn't need anyone to 'complete' me. If I wasn't enough on my own, I would never be enough in a relationship. I got this wake up call from the movie Cool Runnings where an ex-Olympian realises that "Having a gold medal is a wonderful thing. But if you are not enough without it, you will never be enough with it" which woke me up to the fact that I need to be enough for myself. I need to be happy on my own to stand a chance of being happy in a relationship
17. When (Note: not if) I recover and make something of my life, I will realise that I am strong enough to overcome anything life throws my way
18. I have so much going for me. I needed to lose this relationship to wake up to the other magical things about my life
19. I have more time for friends and friendships now
20. I have been strong enough to let him go. 

Just writing down the reasons felt empowering. I look back at these reasons and sometimes they feel trivial and my relationship with Adam feels much more important that any reason could justify. After all, I was fully aware of these reasons every time I kept running back to him. But now that I have got closure, listing the reasons feels much more natural to the 'moving-on' process.

Merry Christmas?

I was woken up this morning by my two cousins jumping on me shouting "Guess who's here?"

My aunt, uncle and their two daughters have come down from the States (that's the United States of America for the purists out there) for Christmas and they will be staying until the 31st of December. I have been quite excited about their visit as I do enjoy spending time with my cousins, who are younger and revere me as something of an academic miracle (they obviously don't know about my first-year university results).

However, since they have been here I've been feeling really desperately lonely. They provide the company I desire, but not the love. I feel empty and them being here means they expect my company and expect me to entertain them as much as possible - I don't get the 'alone time' I usually do.

We had Christmas dinner and pulled a lot of Christmas crackers and party poppers, but those fleeting moments of 'fun' just weren't enough. I don't know what it is that I need to fill myself. I think it might be 'success' - no matter how elusive this particular objective seems right now.

The fact is that I should be happy about the year so far (in all) as I have achieved so much and I (and others) have survived the mythical End of the World.

I realise that I need a purpose in life. Some strong and visual goal to work towards which will give me something else to think about rather than the pain of the past few months.

I guess the main reason that I have been feeling down today is because I, metaphorically, woke up on the 'wrong side' of the bed. Last night I had a dream about Adam and Jemma. They were happily playing tennis in the court next to me (and a 'friend' who I had just met). They were kissing and holding hands and messing around from time to time and I was forcing myself to pretend that I couldn't see them. I was shaking with tears in my dream. It was so realistic that I could physically feel the pain in my heart and felt exhausted when I was woken up.

This is the first time I've actually dreamt about them together and I realise that they probably are doing those things and are happy together, but it doesn't mean that I can't be. I need to refocus my attention. On me.

Sometimes I get inspired

It takes a quote to just shock you into reality sometimes and I am one of those easily 'shocked' people. I think this is a time in my life when I really need small things which inspire me to carry on trying to get control over my life back. As my friend, Jane, put it, once I get control over my work, sleep, health etc. I will be strong enough to move on.

The quote which inspired me today is:

This quote means a lot simply because over the past few months I have lamented over my life and how nothing has played out how I wanted it to, but this quote showed me that most of what happened in the past is due to the choices I have made.

At first I took it too literally, and pushed more blame on me for Adam's cheating - a result of my choices? But I now think this quote is a lot deeper than that. I chose to overlook the signs with Adam which were there all along. I held on for too long. As a result, I couldn't move on earlier and ended up more hurt by his mind-games.

When I lose interest in economics I realise that it is the result of me not pushing hard enough to get into the US universities I applied to. But there is no time for regret now. This is where another quote comes in:

Which means that though I may feel that I made the wrong choices in the past, every passing second means that I can still turn my life around. I've been looking at my age in a negative way for the past few months. Maybe it is too late for many things - I can't really look to start an Olympic swimming career now - but I also have a lot of time ahead to succeed in whatever I want to. I have the ability to push myself this year and get the results I want in the end-of-year exams which would give me the satisfaction of getting through the hell of the past few months and coming out on the winning side.

Songs that saved the week

Two new songs which have helped me endlessly this week:

Lovebird - Leona Lewis

Wide awake - Katy Perry

Phone a friend

Seeing as I had been struggling all week with trying to stop myself from contacting Adam and having made up my mind that it was time I decided to 'go it alone' and stop relying on other people, I realised that sometimes you just need to reach out for help. I had come close to just logging back in on Facebook and finding out how Adam was. It was time to "Phone a friend" to stop me from losing the game.

23/12/2012 15:58: Amy: Hey I needed some advice

23/12/2012 15:58: Amy: I haven't checked Adam's fb for over a week

23/12/2012 15:58: Amy: But I'm tempted to now

23/12/2012 15:59: Amy: Because I'm thinking about giving him another chance

23/12/2012 15:59: Amy: Not telling him

23/12/2012 15:59: Amy: But if he tries with me again, which is unlikely, I won't say no.

23/12/2012 15:59: Amy: But for this, I need to know where he is with his life

23/12/2012 16:00: Amy: So, should I?

23/12/2012 16:30: Jane: What's making you think you should give him another chance

23/12/2012 16:31: Amy: Not another chance

23/12/2012 16:31: Amy: As in I won't go back to him

23/12/2012 16:31: Amy: I won't contact him

23/12/2012 16:31: Amy: But if HE tries (which won't happen)

23/12/2012 16:31: Amy: I won't say no

23/12/2012 16:32: Amy: Jane I don't want to live with someone I'm not in love with

23/12/2012 16:32: Amy: And I know I'm not in love with Adam yet

23/12/2012 16:32: Amy: But I think I could have been

23/12/2012 16:32: Amy: If he hadn't cheated/ proven himself

23/12/2012 16:33: Amy: And every single day I'm so so so scared that I won't find anyone else

23/12/2012 16:33: Amy: I'm not hurting now

23/12/2012 16:33: Amy: But I think about him every second of every day

23/12/2012 16:34: Jane: But it's still fresh

23/12/2012 16:34: Jane: Very fresh,

23/12/2012 16:34: Jane: And it's no wonder you'll be thinking about him when you're abroad just with fam

23/12/2012 16:35: Jane: And you never feel like you'll find someone else, until you 'kind of' find someone else, and you then know ij's possible

23/12/2012 16:35: Jane: The thing is not only did Adam cheat on you

23/12/2012 16:36: Jane: But he also did his best to emotionally hurt you

23/12/2012 16:36: Jane: And make out like you're the problem, and convince you that you won't find someone else

23/12/2012 16:36: Jane: And I don't understand why you'd want someone who has not only hurt you but DELIBERATELY hurt you back in your life

23/12/2012 16:36: Jane: Because again you will NOT progress

23/12/2012 16:37: Jane: You will simply be back at the bottom of the cycle

23/12/2012 16:37: Jane: And have to go all the way round again to the point in which you are now

23/12/2012 16:37: Jane: The top of it, in which you say you're not hurting

23/12/2012 16:38: Jane: You're almost at that small gap in a key ring where you'll escape

23/12/2012 16:38: Jane: Why would you tighten the gap and take another lap?

23/12/2012 16:38: Amy: Do you know why?

23/12/2012 16:38: Amy: Because I see my parents every day

23/12/2012 16:38: Amy: This is really personal btw

23/12/2012 16:38: Amy: So I don't want anyone to know

23/12/2012 16:38: Amy: But

23/12/2012 16:39: Amy: They love each other

23/12/2012 16:39: Amy: So much

23/12/2012 16:39: Amy: Yet they are not "in love"

23/12/2012 16:39: Amy: They'll do anything for the other

23/12/2012 16:39: Amy: And they've spent 22 years together

23/12/2012 16:39: Amy: (Their anniversary was this month)

23/12/2012 16:39: Amy: Yet I don't think they fully understand the other

23/12/2012 16:40: Amy: It's been a month since I had contact with him

23/12/2012 16:40: Amy: Surely I should have moved on now?

23/12/2012 16:40: Amy: And I don't want the "kind of"

23/12/2012 16:40: Amy: If it's never someone who doesn't understand me, I'll realise that the longer I wait,

23/12/2012 16:41: Amy: The more I'm losing Adam forever and ever

23/12/2012 16:41: Amy: It's not that I don't have the choice

23/12/2012 16:41: Amy: I just don't have a choice like him

23/12/2012 16:41: Amy: There's no-one I've met so far who just "gets" me

23/12/2012 16:41: Jane: Yeah of course

23/12/2012 16:41: Jane: Some people start out in love and lose it and just love each other too though

23/12/2012 16:42: Amy: Since I ended it with Adam

23/12/2012 16:42: Jane: But with Adam not only can you never realistically be in love with him

23/12/2012 16:42: Amy: I've had two people ask me out

23/12/2012 16:42: Jane: Your lack of trust will turn into resentment and spite

23/12/2012 16:42: Amy: I've said no to both

23/12/2012 16:42: Amy: Because it will not go anywhere

23/12/2012 16:42: Amy: They don't understand me

23/12/2012 16:42: Jane: And that surely is not worse than just loving each other

23/12/2012 16:42: Amy: They never will

23/12/2012 16:43: Amy: But I don't want to ever lose that

23/12/2012 16:43: Amy: I never want to fall 'out of love'

23/12/2012 16:43: Jane: You will find people that understand you

23/12/2012 16:43: Amy: And I want it to be forever

23/12/2012 16:43: Jane: Adam was only the first

23/12/2012 16:43: Jane: Even when you're happily married

23/12/2012 16:43: Amy: Just before I broke contact

23/12/2012 16:43: Jane: You will find men who understand you

23/12/2012 16:43: Amy: Adam talked about having a family with me

23/12/2012 16:43: Amy: And how I was throwing all that away

23/12/2012 16:44: Amy: And that's stuck in my mind

23/12/2012 16:44: Jane: Adam didn't actually understand you, if he thought you'd cheat on him etc

23/12/2012 16:44: Jane: He's emotionally blackmailing you. Amy do you think realistically he's really thinking about a family right now?

23/12/2012 16:45: Amy: But that was my fault

23/12/2012 16:45: Amy: I never clarified to him that I wouldn't.

23/12/2012 16:45: Jane: Thinking about screwing his teacher, drinking so heavily, going out with all these girls

23/12/2012 16:45: Amy: I'm naturally flirtatious and I never knew it. I just didn't know that I flirt with people

23/12/2012 16:45: Amy: And he tried to tell me

23/12/2012 16:46: Amy: But I didn't get it

23/12/2012 16:46: Amy: I didn't try to change

23/12/2012 16:46: Amy: I kept in close contact with my exes

23/12/2012 16:46: Amy: Which he hated

23/12/2012 16:46: Amy: And I knew he hated it

23/12/2012 16:46: Amy: But I still did it

23/12/2012 16:46: Amy: I went to see david at his uni

23/12/2012 16:46: Jane: But Amy

23/12/2012 16:46: Jane: As early as December he was lying to you

23/12/2012 16:46: Jane: You can't blame yourself for that

23/12/2012 16:46: Jane: You can't blame yourself for any of it

23/12/2012 16:46: Amy: And I stayed over (not with him) but I went

23/12/2012 16:47: Jane: But he didn't truly understand you, or at least he's making out like he didn't

23/12/2012 16:47: Amy: I was always on holiday

23/12/2012 16:47: Amy: During uni breaks

23/12/2012 16:47: Amy: So I couldn't meet up with him

23/12/2012 16:48: Amy: So he felt unwanted

23/12/2012 16:48: Jane: But you know how hard it was to start a relationship with someone else while you were with Adam?

23/12/2012 16:48: Amy: I didn't make time with him

23/12/2012 16:48: Jane: If he really felt you were cheating, why was it so easy for him to 'cheat back'?

23/12/2012 16:48: Amy: I never could. I was with Adam. And even when he would ignore me for days on end, I wouldn't have started a relationship with someone

23/12/2012 16:49: Amy: Even when I found out he was cheating and Harry was there, I couldn't do it

23/12/2012 16:49: Jane: Exactly

23/12/2012 16:49: Amy: Because I didn't make him feel wanted. So he got it from someone who did

23/12/2012 16:49: Amy: Those girls wanted him

23/12/2012 16:49: Amy: His own gf didn't.

23/12/2012 16:49: Amy: When he told me he was adopted

23/12/2012 16:50: Amy: Or when he said he was suicidal

23/12/2012 16:50: Amy: I didn't take it too seriously

23/12/2012 16:50: Amy: I didn't believe him completely

23/12/2012 16:50: Amy: When I should have jumped to help him

23/12/2012 16:50: Amy: To be there for him every second of every day

23/12/2012 16:51: Amy: To be there for him completely

23/12/2012 16:51: Amy: Yet I wasn't.

23/12/2012 16:51: Jane: He told you he was adopted?

23/12/2012 16:51: Amy: You didn't know?

23/12/2012 16:51: Amy: He did

23/12/2012 16:52: Amy: Then he said he lied

23/12/2012 16:52: Amy: Then he said he didn't lie

23/12/2012 16:52: Amy: Then he said he did

23/12/2012 16:52: Jane: He didn't ever say that to me

23/12/2012 16:52: Jane: Or jade or martin

23/12/2012 16:52: Amy: Then he told me he lied about being adopted because it was the only way of getting me to care and come back to him

23/12/2012 16:53: Amy: He's not adopted, Jane.

23/12/2012 16:53: Jane: My God!

23/12/2012 16:53: Jane: How can someone lie about that

23/12/2012 16:53: Amy: I was disgusted that he'd stoop so low

23/12/2012 16:53: Jane: And why does he think it's a way of getting someone to care for them!

23/12/2012 16:53: Amy: Because it's such a serious place to be

23/12/2012 16:54: Amy: Because I know people who have been. And he knew how sensitive I was to it

23/12/2012 16:54: Amy: Because I'd seen them struggle

23/12/2012 16:54: Amy: And tried to help them

23/12/2012 16:56: Jane: I can't believe he'd lie then un lie then lie again

23/12/2012 16:56: Jane: If he's capable of lying about that

23/12/2012 16:57: Jane: Amy he has lied so much!

23/12/2012 16:57: Amy: I believed him the first time

23/12/2012 16:57: Jane: He lied to me all the time

23/12/2012 16:57: Jane: He lied to jade

23/12/2012 16:57: Jane: He just lies

23/12/2012 16:57: Amy: And told him I was so so sorry for not giving him the security he needed

23/12/2012 16:58: Amy: What did he lie to jade about?

23/12/2012 16:58: Amy: And you?

23/12/2012 16:58: Amy: I know he lied. But he was just doing it to get me back

23/12/2012 16:58: Jane: He'd lie about where he'd been

23/12/2012 16:58: Jane: Who he'd been with

23/12/2012 16:59: Amy: What?

23/12/2012 16:59: Amy: Such as?

23/12/2012 16:59: Jane: Like one time he was with Clara and martin in a bar

23/12/2012 16:59: Amy: Okay

23/12/2012 16:59: Jane: And martin kissed this girl

23/12/2012 16:59: Jane: And Adam apparently left with the girl martin kissed and another girl

23/12/2012 17:00: Jane: And didn't go back with martin and Clara

23/12/2012 17:00: Jane: And didn't come back until the morning

23/12/2012 17:00: Jane: He made out at first like he did

23/12/2012 17:00: Jane: But then later he said he didn't

23/12/2012 17:00: Jane: And no one knows what actually happened

23/12/2012 17:01: Amy: Maybe he was with me?

23/12/2012 17:01: Jane: Well

23/12/2012 17:01: Amy: Is this an american girl by any chance?

23/12/2012 17:01: Jane: He said he was upset because you were at a friend's

23/12/2012 17:01: Jane: No idea

23/12/2012 17:01: Jane: Apparently she had scabby lips

23/12/2012 17:02: Amy: It was probably when I was with david then

23/12/2012 17:02: Amy: He's just a really good friend

23/12/2012 17:02: Amy: So I spent a lot of time with him

23/12/2012 17:02: Amy: Because he made the effort

23/12/2012 17:03: Amy: Erm no idea who had scabby lips! :P

23/12/2012 17:03: Jane: Lol

23/12/2012 17:03: Jane: Martin said she did

23/12/2012 17:03: Amy: But me and Adam didn't really tell people when we spent time together

23/12/2012 17:03: Jane: And scabby hands or somethin

23/12/2012 17:03: Jane: I don't

23/12/2012 17:03: Jane: Know

23/12/2012 17:03: Amy: So he might have been trying to cover that up

23/12/2012 17:03: Amy: But if she was american

23/12/2012 17:03: Jane: But my point is he first said one thing them completely turned it round

23/12/2012 17:04: Amy: Because there was this one time him, clara and martin made friends with these american girls

23/12/2012 17:04: Jane: But he was definitely with these girls

23/12/2012 17:04: Amy: And then Adam kissed one of them in april

23/12/2012 17:04: Amy: When he said 'she kissed him' and he backed off straight away

23/12/2012 17:05: Amy: I get your point, but if he was covering up for spending time with me (was this when everyone knew we were going out?) Then it won't matter. But if he was lying to cover-up spending time with another girl, then it would

23/12/2012 17:06: Jane: But he always did that

23/12/2012 17:06: Jane: He'd lie and then

23/12/2012 17:06: Jane: Days later lie again

23/12/2012 17:06: Amy: What else did he lie about?

23/12/2012 17:06: Amy: I feel exhausted when I try to work out his lies

23/12/2012 17:06: Jane: Well

23/12/2012 17:06: Amy: And sort them through

23/12/2012 17:07: Jane: He'd say things about his relationship with his dad

23/12/2012 17:07: Jane: And his dad's health or whatever

23/12/2012 17:07: Jane: Then say something very different

23/12/2012 17:08: Amy: Yeah he did that with me too

23/12/2012 17:07: Jane: Or he'd talk about speaking to people when he hadn't

23/12/2012 17:08: Jane: He'd make out like he's had a bad time at home but then say he can't wait to go home

23/12/2012 17:08: Amy: He'd say it wasn't good. Then say how they were so close

23/12/2012 17:08: Jane: If lt wasn't lies it was at least severe inconsistency

23/12/2012 17:08: Amy: Yeah he always said he hated his friends at home

23/12/2012 17:08: Amy: And then ask them to meet up all the time

23/12/2012 17:09: Amy: And say they were 'real' unlike people at university

23/12/2012 17:09: Jane: Yeah!

23/12/2012 17:09: Amy: I don't know Jane

23/12/2012 17:09: Amy: I just feel like all this means

23/12/2012 17:09: Amy: He really needed some stability

23/12/2012 17:10: Amy: Which was supposed to be me

23/12/2012 17:10: Amy: And I couldn't give him that

23/12/2012 17:10: Jane: Amy really?

23/12/2012 17:10: Jane: To me it means he'll never be happy

23/12/2012 17:10: Amy: There's no-one else out there

23/12/2012 17:10: Jane: And he'll do whatever it takes, however selfish, to try add be

23/12/2012 17:11: Amy: He was happy when he was with me. Mostly. I think he meant some things

23/12/2012 17:11: Amy: One of those was that I filled a hole in his heart that he always felt was empty before

23/12/2012 17:12: Amy: And then when I broke up with him

23/12/2012 17:12: Amy: He realised any girl could fill that hole

23/12/2012 17:13: Jane: Well if he feels that way

23/12/2012 17:13: Jane: Is that not alarm bells ringing

23/12/2012 17:14: Amy: No because I don't think it's true

23/12/2012 17:14: Jane: That he's not even thinking about being exclusive with you

23/12/2012 17:14: Amy: I don't think anyone else gets him as much as I did

23/12/2012 17:14: Amy: He could be

23/12/2012 17:14: Amy: Or maybe I could live with that

23/12/2012 17:14: Amy: Maybe having him in my life would be enough

23/12/2012 17:14: Amy: Even if it wasn't exclusive

23/12/2012 17:15: Amy: Jane, you've found Ed. You're in love with him. Wouldn't you just have him in your life, even if it couldn't be all or it wasn't exclusive?

23/12/2012 17:16: Jane: Definitely not

23/12/2012 17:16: Jane: I'm in love with him

23/12/2012 17:16: Amy: Really??

23/12/2012 17:16: Jane: But I will not be shared

23/12/2012 17:17: Jane: Or share

23/12/2012 17:17: Amy: Why?

23/12/2012 17:17: Jane: If he doesn't want to be all mine

23/12/2012 17:17: Amy: Isn't love about compromise

23/12/2012 17:17: Jane: Because there's being in love

23/12/2012 17:17: Amy: And giving up things

23/12/2012 17:17: Jane: And there's being happy

23/12/2012 17:17: Jane: And I would not be happy

23/12/2012 17:17: Jane: I would never be happy

23/12/2012 17:17: Amy: How do you know that?

23/12/2012 17:17: Jane: In such a situation

23/12/2012 17:17: Amy: But I'm not happy now.

23/12/2012 17:18: Amy: I could be happier at least then what I'm feeling now

23/12/2012 17:18: Jane: Because the thought of it hurts me and causes me a tightness in my chest

23/12/2012 17:18: Jane: To even think of him THINKING seriously of another girl

23/12/2012 17:19: Amy: But I get that too

23/12/2012 17:19: Amy: And he's not even mine/with me

23/12/2012 17:20: Jane: Yeah naturally

23/12/2012 17:21: Amy: It's his birthday on wed

23/12/2012 17:20: Jane: I mean that's not how I know I love him

23/12/2012 17:21: Jane: That's just my respecting myself

23/12/2012 17:21: Jane: And knowing my self value

23/12/2012 17:21: Amy: And I respect you so so so much for that

23/12/2012 17:22: Amy: But I don't feel the same

23/12/2012 17:22: Jane: That's fine

23/12/2012 17:22: Amy: I want to wish him

23/12/2012 17:22: Jane: We all have different things we value

23/12/2012 17:22: Amy: Call him

23/12/2012 17:22: Amy: Or text him

23/12/2012 17:22: Jane: And make us happy

23/12/2012 17:23: Amy: So I should give him the chance?

23/12/2012 17:23: Amy: Even if it means it's not exclusive

23/12/2012 17:23: Amy: Because it doesn't mean I'll be happy

23/12/2012 17:23: Jane: If you'd be ok with that

23/12/2012 17:23: Amy: I'll just bee happier than I am now

23/12/2012 17:23: Jane: Amy if you're willing to have that

23/12/2012 17:23: Jane: Like I said from the start

23/12/2012 17:24: Jane: Then there is no problem or discussion

23/12/2012 17:24: Jane: Yes monogamy is conventionally correct

23/12/2012 17:24: Jane: But as long as you're ok with his not respecting that

23/12/2012 17:24: Amy: Arrrrghhhhhhh

23/12/2012 17:24: Jane: Then it's fine

23/12/2012 17:24: Amy: But I'm not!

23/12/2012 17:24: Amy: I just want to give him the chance to prove that he just wants to be with me

23/12/2012 17:24: Jane: I just need to pray

23/12/2012 17:24: Jane: Keep typing

23/12/2012 17:24: Amy: And no-one else

23/12/2012 17:24: Amy: Okay

23/12/2012 17:25: Amy: I would never want to be shared

23/12/2012 17:25: Amy: Or share him

23/12/2012 17:25: Amy: I can't describe to you just how scared I am

23/12/2012 17:25: Amy: It's like a terrifying realisation

23/12/2012 17:25: Amy: That time is passing me by and I'm losing out on the only possibility of love

23/12/2012 17:26: Amy: If I give up

23/12/2012 17:26: Amy: I will never find someone else who'll love me as much or be willing to do as much for me

23/12/2012 17:26: Amy: Because there was a time when Adam would have done anything for me

23/12/2012 17:26: Amy: And I know it

23/12/2012 17:27: Amy: I hate the feeling of living in constant fear of the future

23/12/2012 17:27: Amy: Being afraid of new relationships

23/12/2012 17:27: Amy: Because they will never measure up

23/12/2012 17:27: Amy: And because I have him within reach and yet I'm not trying

23/12/2012 17:29: Amy: Even when guys are interested (and I never know when they are normally) I can't be interested in them

23/12/2012 17:29: Amy: Yet I somehow make them think I am

23/12/2012 17:29: Amy: I don't know how

23/12/2012 17:30: Amy: One of the guys who asked me out a few days ago is a close friend

23/12/2012 17:30: Amy: And Adam used to always say he liked me as more than a friend

23/12/2012 17:30: Amy: And I always said he didnt

23/12/2012 17:30: Amy: But Adam was right

23/12/2012 17:30: Amy: He did

23/12/2012 17:30: Amy: And I just wanted to text Adam and tell him he was right

23/12/2012 17:31: Amy: And I'm sorry for not listening to him

23/12/2012 17:31: Amy: But I couldn't. Because I don't know what he's doing right now

23/12/2012 17:31: Amy: Or who he is loving right now

23/12/2012 17:31: Amy: Because it isn't me

23/12/2012 17:31: Amy: And I don't know if I should log-on onto his fb

23/12/2012 17:31: Amy: To find out

23/12/2012 17:31: Amy: Or I should avoid it and not try to find anything out

23/12/2012 17:31: Jane: But Amy

23/12/2012 17:31: Jane: You did try

23/12/2012 17:32: Jane: When he was in your reach

23/12/2012 17:32: Jane: He promised you he'd try

23/12/2012 17:32: Jane: But he failed you more than once

23/12/2012 17:32: Jane: And he's the reason you're afraid of the future

23/12/2012 17:32: Jane: But like I keep saying

23/12/2012 17:32: Jane: People have been hurt and cheated on

23/12/2012 17:33: Jane: But they learned to love and trust again

23/12/2012 17:33: Jane: This time appreciating even more the good things

23/12/2012 17:33: Jane: And I think once you get in the cycle ofchecking again

23/12/2012 17:33: Jane: The hurt will return

23/12/2012 17:33: Jane: You'll find things you don't like

23/12/2012 17:34: Amy: It's true

23/12/2012 17:35: Amy: But I'll know where he is in his life

23/12/2012 17:35: Amy: I'll know whether he still feels anything at all for me?

23/12/2012 17:35: Amy: And Jane I don't know anyone who has been cheated on

23/12/2012 17:35: Amy: And learnt to love and trust again

23/12/2012 17:35: Amy: Actually I don't know anyone who has been cheated on at all.

23/12/2012 17:36: Jane: Really? So many people have been cheated on

23/12/2012 17:36: Jane: A simple google search will confirm that to not

23/12/2012 17:36: Jane: You

23/12/2012 17:37: Amy: Celebrities don't count

23/12/2012 17:37: Amy: I mean real-life, normal people

23/12/2012 17:36: Jane: Are tot telling me none of those found love again?

23/12/2012 17:37: Amy: Maybe a rare minority did

23/12/2012 17:38: Amy: I'm not a rare minority

23/12/2012 17:38: Amy: Luck is not something that comes my way

23/12/2012 17:38: Amy: And love isn't either

23/12/2012 17:39: Jane: I'm definitely not referring to celebrities

23/12/2012 17:39: Jane: I know so many of my friends who were cheated on, WITH friends

23/12/2012 17:39: Jane: Or some of my friends were the cheaters

23/12/2012 17:39: Amy: I've never had that

23/12/2012 17:39: Jane: But one of them for example is now in a very happy relationship

23/12/2012 17:39: Jane: She lives with him

23/12/2012 17:40: Amy: She got lucky

23/12/2012 17:40: Amy: I have no idea how she built her life up again

23/12/2012 17:40: Jane: Her boyfriend not only abused her, pressured her to have sex in a camp site and made her feel horrible

23/12/2012 17:40: Jane: But he cheated on her with off of her closest friends

23/12/2012 17:40: Jane: She's had a few boyfriends in between

23/12/2012 17:41: Jane: But she's settled down now

23/12/2012 17:41: Amy: Adam didn't do anything that bad

23/12/2012 17:41: Amy: How old is she?

23/12/2012 17:41: Jane: I'd say he emotionally abused you,

23/12/2012 17:41: Jane: And he has put some pressure on you to sleep with him

23/12/2012 17:42: Jane: And he's made you feel horrible by blaming you for all this and telling you you've lost your chance of being happy

23/12/2012 17:43: Amy: How long did it take her to get with the next guy?

23/12/2012 17:43: Amy: Yes but there was a point when he also loved me

23/12/2012 17:42: Jane: The only thing he didn't do was hit you, which actually he did physically hurt you that time in that flat

23/12/2012 17:42: Jane: And he hasn't cheated on you with a close friend

23/12/2012 17:43: Jane: But he probably would have if your friends weren't loyal to you and he saw a window

23/12/2012 17:43: Jane: She's my age, well not yet 21

23/12/2012 17:43: Jane: She's not at uni she worth

23/12/2012 17:43: Jane: Works

23/12/2012 17:44: Amy: So she had time

23/12/2012 17:44: Amy: She was younger

23/12/2012 17:44: Amy: When did he cheat on her?

23/12/2012 17:44: Amy: How old was she?

23/12/2012 17:44: Jane: Well it took her about 5 months to start a new relationship

23/12/2012 17:44: Jane: I'd say she's had about 3 boyfriends between that douche and the one she has now

23/12/2012 17:45: Amy: And how did she feel about her close friend? Are they still friends?

23/12/2012 17:44: Jane: And 16

23/12/2012 17:45: Jane: But if permanent damage were to be done, it would have been done

23/12/2012 17:46: Amy: You don't think permanent damage was done?

23/12/2012 17:48: Amy: How did she cope in those 5 months after him

23/12/2012 17:52: Jane: Well

23/12/2012 17:52: Jane: I think permanent damage was done against the guy

23/12/2012 17:53: Jane: She'd never get back with him now

23/12/2012 17:53: Jane: Even though at the time she kept trying ways to make him think about her

23/12/2012 17:53: Jane: She'd apologise to him and hope it would reverse psychology him into feeling babe

23/12/2012 17:53: Jane: Bad

23/12/2012 17:54: Jane: With the friend I think she hated her more

23/12/2012 17:54: Jane: They never became friends again

23/12/2012 17:54: Amy: Does she miss him? Or anything he did, still?

23/12/2012 17:54: Jane: But she definitely accepted that it was just him

23/12/2012 17:54: Jane: That the traits were exclusive lo him

23/12/2012 17:54: Jane: Yeah she missed him re much

23/12/2012 17:55: Jane: She wanted him back so badly

23/12/2012 17:55: Jane: They had a lot in common, he was her first,

23/12/2012 17:55: Jane: Her mum and everyone know

23/12/2012 17:55: Amy: How did she not go back to him?

23/12/2012 17:55: Jane: She went on holiday with him

23/12/2012 17:55: Jane: Well because he was now with her friend

23/12/2012 17:55: Jane: And she couldn't do anything about it

23/12/2012 17:56: Jane: She had to just accept it

23/12/2012 17:56: Jane: But it wasn't easy

23/12/2012 17:56: Jane: Considering she'd been with him for a long time

23/12/2012 17:56: Jane: She lost amazing friendships

23/12/2012 17:56: Amy: Are her friend and him still together?

23/12/2012 17:56: Jane: At the risk of sounding arrogant she lost me

23/12/2012 17:57: Jane: And we were so close

23/12/2012 17:57: Jane: No they're not,

23/12/2012 17:57: Amy: Are you close with her again?

23/12/2012 17:57: Jane: Crazily he moved on to another of her friends

23/12/2012 17:57: Jane: Finally he seemed happy and settled

23/12/2012 17:57: Jane: But they recently broke up

23/12/2012 17:57: Jane: No,

23/12/2012 17:57: Jane: Unfortunately I was too unforgiving

23/12/2012 17:57: Amy: Why?

23/12/2012 17:57: Jane: Because I was too hurt that she'd put him before me

23/12/2012 17:58: Amy: Oh

23/12/2012 17:58: Jane: When I could see how disgusting he waS

23/12/2012 17:58: Jane: But if I could go back I would definitely be more forgiving

23/12/2012 17:58: Jane: Because I understand now

23/12/2012 17:58: Jane: But I constantly supported her

23/12/2012 17:58: Amy: So if I go back to Adam you won't forgive me? ;)

23/12/2012 17:58: Jane: But whenever things were good

23/12/2012 17:58: Jane: Which became increasingly rare

23/12/2012 17:58: Jane: She'd forget me

23/12/2012 17:59: Jane: Yeah I would

23/12/2012 17:59: Jane: Because my mindset has changed completely

23/12/2012 17:59: Amy: I wouldn't though

23/12/2012 17:59: Amy: I think, the scary thing is,

23/12/2012 17:59: Amy: I've accepted that he doesn't want me

23/12/2012 17:59: Amy: So I could never go back

23/12/2012 17:59: Amy: I've actually accepted that

23/12/2012 17:59: Amy: As much as I want him back

23/12/2012 18:00: Amy: And want to get back with him

23/12/2012 18:00: Amy: I haven't accepted that there will be anyone else for me

23/12/2012 18:00: Amy: But better alone than unhappy and hurt with him

23/12/2012 18:00: Amy: Did she try to be friends with you again?

23/12/2012 18:01: Jane: Yeah exactly, but alone for now

23/12/2012 18:01: Jane: Well yeah she did,

23/12/2012 18:01: Jane: But I kind of lost trust in her and was bitter

23/12/2012 18:01: Amy: You had every right to I guess

23/12/2012 18:01: Jane: I'd try so hard but the connection had gone

23/12/2012 18:01: Jane: And it was an amazing connection

23/12/2012 18:02: Jane: It was all very complex

23/12/2012 18:02: Amy: Sounds simple to me

23/12/2012 18:02: Amy: But I'm just a simpleton at times :P

23/12/2012 18:02: Amy: Time just changes relationships

23/12/2012 18:02: Jane: But yeah I felt she changed a lot

23/12/2012 18:02: Jane: And I'd changed

23/12/2012 18:02: Jane: And our paths were diverging

23/12/2012 18:02: Jane: She's now changed completely

23/12/2012 18:02: Jane: Not the same person

23/12/2012 18:03: Jane: But she reminisces a lot

23/12/2012 18:03: Amy: And there's no way to get 'back'

23/12/2012 18:03: Jane: She'd message me a lot saying she misses our friendship in school

23/12/2012 18:03: Amy: Oh wow

23/12/2012 18:03: Jane: But that's exactly what it was, our friendship in school

23/12/2012 18:03: Amy: That's actually years ago

23/12/2012 18:04: Jane: I see her now occasionally and we don't even say hi

23/12/2012 18:04: Amy: Really???

23/12/2012 18:04: Amy: Wow

23/12/2012 18:04: Amy: Don't even acknowledge each other?

23/12/2012 18:04: Jane: And I blocked her statuses on my news feed

23/12/2012 18:04: Jane: Because they were like 5 a day

23/12/2012 18:04: Jane: Mostly complaints

23/12/2012 18:04: Jane: She's just changed a lot

23/12/2012 18:05: Jane: And she stayed with him for too long

23/12/2012 18:05: Jane: Knowing it was dead

23/12/2012 18:05: Jane: Well

23/12/2012 18:05: Jane: It's hard

23/12/2012 18:06: Jane: Because at college we stopped talking

23/12/2012 18:06: Jane: So it was weird to force it after we'd left

23/12/2012 18:06: Jane: I used to get so frustrated at her

23/12/2012 18:06: Jane: Knowing what he was doing

23/12/2012 18:07: Amy: Did she change because she stayed with him for too long?

23/12/2012 18:07: Jane: And yet she'd still stay with him

23/12/2012 18:07: Jane: But I understand now

23/12/2012 18:07: Jane: I think partly yeah

23/12/2012 18:07: Amy: I think it's hard for people who're not "in" it to understand

23/12/2012 18:07: Jane: But partly just her

23/12/2012 18:07: Amy: I guess my situation helps you understand it better too?

23/12/2012 18:08: Jane: I think I understand more now with your situation

23/12/2012 18:08: Amy: Because Britney doesn't get it at all. And neither do a lot of people. For them it's a simple matter of "move on!"

23/12/2012 18:08: Jane: Because my best friend Sophie was treated horribly by her boyfriend

23/12/2012 18:08: Amy: But it's not like that

23/12/2012 18:08: Jane: And I guess being in a relationship

23/12/2012 18:08: Jane: Seeing the things people say about ed

23/12/2012 18:09: Jane: And still wanting to be with him but wanting to keep my friendships

23/12/2012 18:09: Amy: See. It's "outsiders" they don't know it.

23/12/2012 18:09: Jane: Yeah exactly

23/12/2012 18:09: Jane: It is

23/12/2012 18:09: Amy: Do people know about that yet btw?

23/12/2012 18:09: Jane: So easy seeing things when you're on the outside

23/12/2012 18:09: Jane: But that can also be a blessing

23/12/2012 18:09: Jane: You shouldn't ignore what people say because they're not in

23/12/2012 18:10: Jane: But at the same time you should definitely reassure yourself that it would be just as hard for each and every one of them had they been on the inside

23/12/2012 18:11: Jane: Thing is when girls used to say

23/12/2012 18:11: Jane: 'no one gets him like I do'

23/12/2012 18:11: Jane: I used to cringe like crazy

23/12/2012 18:11: Jane: But I really truly understaffed that now

23/12/2012 18:11: Jane: But, but.

23/12/2012 18:11: Jane: When it comes lo cheating, there is no excuse

23/12/2012 18:12: Jane: That doesn't make it easier, I'm just saying it doesn't matter how well you know them etc

23/12/2012 18:12: Jane: Do people know about me and ed?

23/12/2012 18:12: Amy: Brb

23/12/2012 18:12: Jane: Alright

23/12/2012 18:17: Amy: Back

23/12/2012 18:18: Amy: My sister couldn't find something she just "had to have"!

23/12/2012 18:18: Amy: -__-

23/12/2012 18:19: Amy: I know there is no excuse to cheating

23/12/2012 18:19: Amy: But it's SO hard to not look for those non-existent excuses

23/12/2012 18:19: Jane: Yeah completely

23/12/2012 18:19: Amy: I can barely watch a kissing scene in any movie without thinking about him

23/12/2012 18:20: Jane: Like I said it doesn't make things easier or more straightforward

23/12/2012 18:20: Amy: As weird as that is

23/12/2012 18:20: Amy: Every song

23/12/2012 18:20: Amy: Every movie

23/12/2012 18:20: Amy: Every story

23/12/2012 18:20: Jane: It just makes it more 'plain' for outsiders

23/12/2012 18:20: Amy: Yeah

23/12/2012 18:20: Jane: And naturally, yeah

23/12/2012 18:20: Amy: That's why I was ready to hear Ed's views

23/12/2012 18:20: Amy: And wanted Martin's advice

23/12/2012 18:20: Jane: But that doesn't make him right, and you'll get that again with someone else

23/12/2012 18:21: Amy: I wanted them to lay out the "obvious" so I know what I "think" and what's actually there

23/12/2012 18:21: Amy: I really really want to believe that

23/12/2012 18:21: Amy: But when I talk to friends they're like "it takes a month to get over someone"

23/12/2012 18:21: Amy: And I've had that

23/12/2012 18:21: Amy: Yet I'm not over him

23/12/2012 18:22: Amy: So I feel like I'm doomed to never get over it

23/12/2012 18:22: Jane: No no

23/12/2012 18:22: Jane: I don't think there's a time scale at all

23/12/2012 18:22: Jane: Like I said I was in love with mark for over a year

23/12/2012 18:23: Amy: Yeah you did

23/12/2012 18:23: Amy: But if I take a year, Jane

23/12/2012 18:23: Jane: I only got over him when I realised I COULD potentially be with someone else

23/12/2012 18:23: Amy: I'll fail

23/12/2012 18:23: Amy: I can't concentrate at all

23/12/2012 18:23: Amy: I haven't touched any work since about oct

23/12/2012 18:23: Amy: I skipped classes

23/12/2012 18:23: Amy: Lectures

23/12/2012 18:23: Jane: But I took so long because I guess I wasn't meeting new people or distracting myself

23/12/2012 18:23: Amy: Missed all my deadlines

23/12/2012 18:24: Amy: Didn't submit problem sets

23/12/2012 18:24: Jane: You're close now

23/12/2012 18:24: Amy: I wrote half a page for summative essay

23/12/2012 18:24: Jane: You're close

23/12/2012 18:24: Amy: To getting over him?

23/12/2012 18:24: Amy: Do you really think so??

23/12/2012 18:24: Jane: I told you you're near to the gap in the key ring

23/12/2012 18:24: Jane: Yes I do

23/12/2012 18:24: Jane: The fact you resisted communication

23/12/2012 18:24: Amy: How?

23/12/2012 18:25: Amy: But so has he

23/12/2012 18:25: Amy: That's why.

23/12/2012 18:25: Jane: The fact you haven't checked his facebook

23/12/2012 18:25: Amy: If he contacted me

23/12/2012 18:25: Amy: I don't know if I could avoid it

23/12/2012 18:25: Jane: Doesn't matter

23/12/2012 18:25: Jane: You are getting closer

23/12/2012 18:25: Amy: Doesn't mean I haven't been tempted to check it every day

23/12/2012 18:25: Amy: I just haven't.

23/12/2012 18:25: Jane: Thing is

23/12/2012 18:26: Jane: You perceive a lot vested in taking him back

23/12/2012 18:26: Jane: You feel you'll be able to work again etc

23/12/2012 18:26: Jane: Those are other factors that keep you hanging on

23/12/2012 18:27: Jane: But once you gain back control in those areas

23/12/2012 18:27: Amy: You're right

23/12/2012 18:27: Amy: I hadn't thought about it consciously before

23/12/2012 18:27: Amy: But yeah

23/12/2012 18:27: Jane: You'll start noticing things simultaneously work

23/12/2012 18:27: Jane: The more you gain back control

23/12/2012 18:27: Jane: The more you get over him

23/12/2012 18:27: Jane: The more you gain back more control

23/12/2012 18:28: Jane: But believe me you're doing so well

23/12/2012 18:28: Jane: It's not easy

23/12/2012 18:28: Jane: It would be so much easier to get back with him

23/12/2012 18:28: Amy: I think getting him back would mean I could work, be happy, sleep better, eat better, go out more, work harder

23/12/2012 18:29: Amy: What if it doesn't work?

23/12/2012 18:29: Amy: What's the back-up plan?

23/12/2012 18:29: Amy: To go back to him? Or to just accept that I can't handle it and take time off

23/12/2012 18:28: Jane: Yep

23/12/2012 18:29: Jane: But that would be a removal of the fact that he has put you in this situation

23/12/2012 18:29: Jane: And going back to that person will not fix these things

23/12/2012 18:29: Jane: You'll just put them on hold for even longer

23/12/2012 18:30: Jane: Let's say you 'correct' yourself by marc.

23/12/2012 18:30: Jane: Perfect timing

23/12/2012 18:30: Jane: You go back to him

23/12/2012 18:30: Jane: Regardless, it will only take longer, and that's the only thing I can absolutely guarantee you with all of my heart

23/12/2012 18:31: Jane: You could go back to him eventually

23/12/2012 18:31: Amy: And one more thing.

23/12/2012 18:31: Jane: But I promise you so long as he has not been single, had time to reflect and admitted to you he's wrong

23/12/2012 18:31: Jane: Then he will NOT change.

23/12/2012 18:31: Amy: It's hard to move on because I don't know how to end it

23/12/2012 18:31: Amy: Do I forgive him?

23/12/2012 18:31: Amy: Hate him?

23/12/2012 18:32: Amy: Forget him?

23/12/2012 18:32: Jane: I think ideally forgive him

23/12/2012 18:32: Jane: But that's very hard to do considering he hasn't admitted most things

23/12/2012 18:32: Amy: There have been days when I just feel pity for him

23/12/2012 18:32: Jane: But forgiveness will take him off worr mind more

23/12/2012 18:32: Amy: Rare days

23/12/2012 18:33: Jane: But you must make a distinction between forgiveness and second chances

23/12/2012 18:41: Jane: So I mean if you can forgive him it would make it easier to recover

23/12/2012 18:41: Jane: So long as you don't let him back in

23/12/2012 18:41: Jane: But I don't think it's necessary to move on

23/12/2012 18:41: Amy: How do I forgive him?

23/12/2012 18:42: Amy: As in how do I know I've forgiven him?

23/12/2012 18:42: Jane: I'm not sure,

23/12/2012 18:42: Amy: I already don't blame him for cheating

23/12/2012 18:42: Jane: Well

23/12/2012 18:42: Amy: He had every right to

23/12/2012 18:42: Jane: I guess you don't pain every time you think about him

23/12/2012 18:42: Jane: I don't think that's forgiveness

23/12/2012 18:42: Jane: Letting him justify cheating

23/12/2012 18:42: Amy: I blame him for the lies and hurting

23/12/2012 18:42: Jane: And I think it's dangerous if you think and feel cheating can be justified

23/12/2012 18:43: Amy: But I never felt anger

23/12/2012 18:43: Amy: Ever

23/12/2012 18:43: Amy: Towards him

23/12/2012 18:43: Jane: I think forgiveness in the sense of healing is more...

23/12/2012 18:43: Jane: Probably accepting that he's not right for you and so it's ok

23/12/2012 18:44: Jane: But that's so hard lo explain

23/12/2012 18:45: Amy: I can sort of see it

23/12/2012 18:45: Amy: That would take time

23/12/2012 18:45: Amy: And it would take me seeing him

23/12/2012 18:45: Amy: And not feeling anything

23/12/2012 18:46: Amy: Which is near impossible since I don't have enough time "away" to recover

23/12/2012 18:46: Amy: I'll be seeing him so soon

23/12/2012 18:46: Amy: Too soon

23/12/2012 18:46: Amy: But I think the day I see him

23/12/2012 18:46: Amy: And not feel anything

23/12/2012 18:47: Amy: I will be able to truly say I'm over him

23/12/2012 18:49: Jane: Maybe you'll not feel like that though, maybe that won't be necessary, to see him and feel absolutely nothing

23/12/2012 18:50: Amy: He has done it. Why can't I?

23/12/2012 18:50: Amy: It should be easier to be cold

23/12/2012 18:50: Amy: And not care

23/12/2012 18:54: Jane: We all deal with things in different ways and in our own pace

23/12/2012 18:55: Jane: But just try and trust that it will happen

23/12/2012 18:55: Amy: I will :)

23/12/2012 18:56: Amy: Do you know you're awesome, right?

23/12/2012 18:56: Amy: Just talking to you makes everything feel a million times better

23/12/2012 18:56: Amy: Eventually it's up to me to stand up for myself and move on

It's just helped put things in perspective and I feel stronger about not running back to Adam. He doesn't deserve to be with me. I just need to keep reminding myself that.

I don't want to end up like my mom

Today my mom had an argument with my younger sister, Suzy, which led to a shock revelation from her that made me want to contact Adam and just tell him that I want to be with him. My sister is fourteen years old and very difficult at times. I guess it's partly my fault as I have never really tried to get too close to her as our five-and-a-half-years age difference means that I have always considered her 'too young' to know most things about my life.

Suzy doesn't know anything about Adam, but then neither does my mom, for very different reasons. While it was about not influencing my sister, as I don't want her to get involved with any boys at this age, for my mom it was merely because I didn't want her to know I had a boyfriend. I guess my family is quite conservative, and I don't know how she will react.

But today wasn't about me.

Suzy must have answered back to my mom as she tends to, and she normally says very hurtful things. Not swearing or anything like that, but she'll just tell mom to "Shut up."

Having questioned Suzy about what happened, she told me that mom and told her something to do and she sighed in a "Do I have to?" way. Then:

Mom: If you keep sighing you will never get anywhere in life!
Suzy: But I've seen YOU do that too!
Mom: Why do you always answer back!?

I should probably have typed all this out in block capitals to emphasise that this was shouted rather than said between the two of them. Upon hearing the commotion, I went downstairs to investigate what was going on. My mom was now in the living room, decorating the Christmas tree, while Suzy was on the phone to my dad, who had called to ask her what she wanted from the supermarket.

Knowing that Suzy must have said something to mom, I went into the living room and started helping out with the Christmas tree. I glanced at mom to see how she was feeling and I saw that she was trying to hold back, either her anger or her tears, I couldn't quite make out. We decorated the tree in silence and she left as I started putting the lights around the branches.

A while later I came upstairs and we started tidying up the study room together. I made a joke about some thing and she replied,

Mom: Amy, don't joke right now. I'm so angry that I would probably lose it at you too.
Me: But that's why I'm joking around! And I'm not scared of you anyway! Haha
Mom: I'm so angry that I just want to walk out of the house and just.. be gone

I was terrified. She wanted to be dead.

Mom: I wish I could rewind my life
Me: What would you do differently?
Mom: I would never get married
Me: So YOU wish you'd never got married, but you want me too??!

I tried to lighten the mood again.

Mom: I would never get married...

And she leant forward to rest her elbows on the table and started crying. I didn't know what to do. I felt so helpless. All the memories of how Adam had made me feel came flooding back. He was the one guy I actually wanted to marry. He was the one person who made me feel like I didn't have to achieve anything else now that I had him. I could be his, and that was reward enough for my life.

I gently lifted my mom's arms off the table and hugged her.

Mom: No-one's hugs will make anything better
Me: But I just want to hug you anyway

I just stood there, hugging my mom, who I knew had given up so much in her life for other people. She had never truly done anything for herself. I doubt she could look back and say that she did 'that one thing' just because it made her happy.

It's made me so vulnerable. I just feel so scared that I will be in her position at her age. She's 43 years old and she has nothing for herself. There is nothing she has achieved that she can be proud of or be thankful for. She's married to a man who doesn't appreciate her, though he loves her very much. I don't think my parents are "in love" and I never want to be in that position.

This happened about an hour ago and it has taken a lot of self-control to not text Adam right now and tell him everything. I feel like I've made up my mind that I will never get married unless I fall in love, but I guess the fear in my hear right now makes it so unlikely. I think I will just have to wait and see what happens next term. I'm tempted to check whether he has moved on already or not. But if he tries with me again, I won't say no. But I will also not be the one who goes back to him. If he doesn't try, then so be it.

Today just enlightened me about my life and what I want from it. At 40 years of age I want to be able to look back and admit that I lived life to the full and I got as much out of it as I could. No worries, no regrets.

What's he doing right now?

I have been struggling again today.

I keep thinking about whether he really has moved on and if I should check his Facebook to see what he's up to. I want to just call him and tell him I miss him and hope that he still feels the same way, but I don't want to get stuck in the same cycle again.

I just want him to come back and want me again. It hurts so much knowing he's happy with a new girl and I'm still unable to move on. But I know there is no going back because he doesn't love me or want me.

Maybe I should have said yes to Brad and just forced myself to move on. I'm scared that time is running out too. I'm twenty. How much longer do I have to fall in love? I feel like everyone has already found their soulmate and there's no-one out there waiting for me.

What's he doing right now? I wonder if he even thinks about me or wonders where I am? I don't know what will happen when we go back to university in January either. Would we still ignore each other or will we both find the courage to be friends?

The End of the World

It is the 21st December 2012 or 21.12.12. The day on which, according to the Ancient Mayans, the world will end. Actually, the Mayan calender simply ends on this day - it doesn't predict fire and doom. But some people have taken it to literally mean the end of the world.

I came across a news article which helped to explain the actions of the sane and the not-so-sane ('insane' just feels rude - people are entitled to their views after all).

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-20764906

If it is the end of the world, it is a depressing feeling to know that I would die while revising for my January exams and trying to keep my mind off a failed relationship. Maybe just before I died I would call him and tell him that "Have fun in hell!"? Perhaps not.

Quality time with the family

Sometimes all it takes to feel a little better is to sit cuddled up next to your mom and pretend that the whole world is fine.

Today has been a difficult day in terms of moving on as I've been thinking about it and hurting so much the entire day. Also, the fact that I'm not close to many people makes it impossible to just call someone up for a 'chat'. But I spent a few hours sitting around with my family in front of the TV and messing around with the new surround-sound and home theatre system my dad has installed.

We flicked through music channels, most of which are playing Christmas songs and I just felt fine. Not happy, but I felt better. It's an odd feeling to explain, but it makes me feel safe and secure in myself. As long as I have my family around me, do I really need any one else?

Just when I think I'm over him...

I was convinced that I had finally got over Adam. I didn't hope that every time someone texted me, it was him. I had stopped wanting to text him and stalk him on Facebook and I was finding it easier to do the basic things I did on a daily basis, such as reading.

But there are times when I have a sudden and desperate need for him. I just want him to be here next to me and I want him to hold me and just talk about anything and everything. At these times I get easily irritable and start to feel upset and down. I then think about his other relationships and remember that by now he is probably officially going out with Jemma and has probably already slept with her.

There is no going back.

I wish I could get him out of my life completely so that I wouldn't have to make such a big physical and emotional effort to try and forget him.

I'm finding it really hard to just focus on my work, which is really important right now because I fell so behind  over the past few months and I have exams coming up in January. I need to reassess my priorities. Figure out what is important right now and what isn't and then aim whatever energy I can muster towards my goal.

I just get so so scared at times about the future and what it has to offer me. I need something better to be able to make it beyond this situation and to get over all the hurt that I have felt. I don't want to carry 'relationship baggage' around with me.

Post-breakup guy attempt 1

So last night I got asked out for the first time since I broke up with Adam. It was the first attempt any guy has made with me.

I was talking to one of my male friends, Brad, who had been there for me whenever I needed to talk and who I had helped through countless dealings with girls. He was also the one who told me that "you and Adam will last two days" when I first told him that we were in a relationship.

Afterwards he said that I could talk to him about anything to do with Adam and he would have the role of a GBF (Gay Best Friend) in my life if I needed to talk about relationship troubles etc. He made me laugh and I liked hanging out with him, and I knew that he wanted a serious relationship with the next girl he got with - not a casual, 'fun' thing I was looking for.

He is also the only male friend (apart from David) who knows about what Adam did to me.

In the last week of term he said that if Adam kept contacting me, he would be willing to pretend to be my boyfriend and tell Adam to "stop contacting my girlfriend". I laughed along, convinced he was joking.

But last night I said "hi" to him on bbm and he said that there was something he had been meaning to tell me for a long time.

18/12/2012 23:51: Brad: Anyway, basically there's this thought that hits me so much but I ignore it sometimes cos I don't think its right for me to say. Plus I'm such a coward in person about these things

18/12/2012 23:51: Amy: Okay

18/12/2012 23:51: Brad: Haha

18/12/2012 23:51: Brad: And I don't want to say it now cos I'm still such a coward

18/12/2012 23:51: Amy: Come on just say it!

18/12/2012 23:52: Amy: It's just me!

18/12/2012 23:52: Brad: You claim to know me, what do you think it might be?

18/12/2012 23:52: Brad: :P

18/12/2012 23:52: Brad: Its just you, that's the scary bitt

18/12/2012 23:53: Amy: I have no clue whatsoever!

18/12/2012 23:53: Amy: But I totally know you

18/12/2012 23:53: Amy: You just get so mysterious at times

18/12/2012 23:53: Amy: I'm scary now??? 

18/12/2012 23:53: Brad: Go onn

18/12/2012 23:53: Brad: Thenn

18/12/2012 23:53: Brad: What do you think

18/12/2012 23:55: Amy: I don't know!

18/12/2012 23:55: Amy: Or I would've said

18/12/2012 23:55: Amy: But I literally have no clue.

18/12/2012 23:57: Brad: Haha

18/12/2012 23:57: Brad: I'm taking a mysterious risk here

18/12/2012 23:57: Amy: Well take it

18/12/2012 23:57: Amy: And spill.

18/12/2012 23:57: Brad: I don't know if I should say it

18/12/2012 23:57: Brad: Amy I'm worried about it

18/12/2012 23:57: Brad: I'm too scared to say it

18/12/2012 23:58: Amy: Just say it!

18/12/2012 23:58: Brad: Promise you'll reply

18/12/2012 23:59: Brad: ??

19/12/2012 00:00: Amy: Erm sure

19/12/2012 00:00: Brad: Maybe fate doesn't want me to say it

19/12/2012 00:02: Amy: But that shouldn't stop you.

19/12/2012 00:02: Amy: What is it?

19/12/2012 00:02: Brad: Haha

19/12/2012 00:02: Brad: I overthink

19/12/2012 00:02: Brad: Ok here it is

19/12/2012 00:02: Amy: Are you okay?

19/12/2012 00:02: Brad: *sigh*

19/12/2012 00:02: Brad: We get along so well and everything you know. I make you laugh and everything. I just sometimes can't help but wonder if we.....were....something.....more than....friends, how would it be different. Would it ruin the friendship we have? I think we'll be closer and stuff but I'm not sure if that's something you would want from me cos you're scared about what happened with adam. I don't say it cos I'm coward, I can't say it in person. I'm taking a risk by saying this you know. And please reply cos if you don't then I overthink and that gets me upset. There I said it. Happy now?!

19/12/2012 00:02: Brad: :-/

19/12/2012 00:03: Brad: Read above

19/12/2012 00:03: Brad: :(

19/12/2012 00:09: Brad: Amy you're not replyinggg

19/12/2012 00:12: Amy: Brad I don't know what to say because I had no idea you liked me in that way. Honestly, the thing is that I'm just not ready for a relationship right now. You're right, part of me is scared because of what happened with adam because me and him were good friends and he managed to hurt me so much. But me and you are even better friends. I wouldn't want to risk our friendship at all. You mean so much to me that I don't want to lose what we have right now.

19/12/2012 00:15: Brad: I didn't like you in that way, but it just hit me once when I was in such a vulnerable stage. It was in me so I had to take it out that's why I said it. I don't wanna risk the friendship at all either but I had to say what I had in my mind. I understand your viewpoint as well completely :)

19/12/2012 00:16: Brad: On the other hand, I know I won't hurt you :p but me saying this shouldn't affect anything

19/12/2012 00:16: Brad: Please cos I just wanted to clear it

19/12/2012 00:16: Brad: Sorry I ever said it

19/12/2012 00:17: Amy: It's okay :) But I just find it so hard to trust guys right now because adam said exactly the same thing

19/12/2012 00:18: Brad: Erghhh I feel so bad now

19/12/2012 00:18: Brad: Sorry Amy

19/12/2012 00:18: Brad: -.-

19/12/2012 00:18: Brad: And I understand you completely

19/12/2012 00:18: Amy: Lol it's okay

19/12/2012 00:18: Amy: And it won't affect anything because like I said

19/12/2012 00:19: Amy: You mean so much to me

19/12/2012 00:20: Brad: Another reason for me to say it was cos so you can move on you know

19/12/2012 00:20: Amy: Really?

19/12/2012 00:20: Amy: You would do that for me?

19/12/2012 00:20: Amy: As in help me move on?

19/12/2012 00:21: Brad: UM yess

19/12/2012 00:21: Brad: That's one of the reasons I said what I said

19/12/2012 00:22: Amy: I didn't know you would

19/12/2012 00:24: Brad: Well

19/12/2012 00:24: Brad: :s

19/12/2012 00:24: Brad: There you go

19/12/2012 00:25: Brad: So sorry

19/12/2012 00:25: Amy: You don't have to be sorry

19/12/2012 00:25: Amy: It means a lot that you were willing to

19/12/2012 00:26: Amy: It'll just take time

19/12/2012 00:26: Brad: Yeah

I guess it was nice to be asked out so soon after me and Adam finished - it's only been properly over for about two weeks - but I wish it had been someone else. I'm just not interested in Brad in that way and never will be. He's not my type of guy and I don't think I'm ready for a relationship either.

I feel better now though because I know that people still want to be with me. I can move on so easily. Knowing that I am single by choice is an empowering feeling as it gives me the ability to come back and settle into a relationship any time I choose to.