Home for the holidays

I'm finally home for the holidays!

I felt extremely sick yesterday while moving out. This time last year I spent the night with Adam for the first time and I was missing him so much. He helped me move my suitcases down and we messed around trying to check every nook and cranny of my room to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything.

We both knew that we had something special. We had spent more time with each other than we had with anyone else except our family the entire term and we couldn't wait to be back together again.

This time it feels different.

I packed up alone. I left alone.

But it is so so so (I can't emphasise it enough) important that I use the next month to get over him completely. It's been a month since I last kissed him and spoke to him in person and I have even started forgetting all the good things about us. When I came home last night I threw away the rose he gave me before the summer and the chocolates he bought with a "It's a boy!" card. We laughed about how we should have a baby boy now and I found the joke really cute.

It's also a relief knowing that he is not in the same city as me. It makes the end feel stronger. He has his own life. We are really worlds apart.

I know he will have a lot of fun with a lot of girls over the break and I know that I won't try with any guys at all. But that actually makes me feel better somehow because if we had got back together then I would have spent the break paranoid about what he was doing. This way it is none of my business and he can't hurt me. Kind of provides proof that me and him would never have worked out.

I just have to be strong and carry on now. I have the opportunity to use this time well and benefit from it. I haven't checked his Facebook since Thursday either because I know there will be updates about his date with Jemma and I don't think I can handle it. I also don't need to know. He is not with me anymore. I need to completely move on. I have deactivated my own Facebook account so I don't feel tempted to go on his profile.

This is the first step. I need to keep walking forward.