I was talking to one of my male friends, Brad, who had been there for me whenever I needed to talk and who I had helped through countless dealings with girls. He was also the one who told me that "you and Adam will last two days" when I first told him that we were in a relationship.
Afterwards he said that I could talk to him about anything to do with Adam and he would have the role of a GBF (Gay Best Friend) in my life if I needed to talk about relationship troubles etc. He made me laugh and I liked hanging out with him, and I knew that he wanted a serious relationship with the next girl he got with - not a casual, 'fun' thing I was looking for.
He is also the only male friend (apart from David) who knows about what Adam did to me.
In the last week of term he said that if Adam kept contacting me, he would be willing to pretend to be my boyfriend and tell Adam to "stop contacting my girlfriend". I laughed along, convinced he was joking.
But last night I said "hi" to him on bbm and he said that there was something he had been meaning to tell me for a long time.
18/12/2012 23:51: Brad: Anyway, basically there's this thought
that hits me so much but I ignore it sometimes cos I don't think its right for
me to say. Plus I'm such a coward in person about these things
18/12/2012 23:51: Amy:
Okay
18/12/2012 23:51: Brad:
Haha
18/12/2012 23:51: Brad:
And I don't want to say it now cos I'm still such a coward
18/12/2012 23:51: Amy:
Come on just say it!
18/12/2012 23:52: Amy:
It's just me!
18/12/2012 23:52: Brad:
You claim to know me, what do you think it might be?
18/12/2012 23:52: Brad:
:P
18/12/2012 23:52: Brad:
Its just you, that's the scary bitt
18/12/2012 23:53: Amy:
I have no clue whatsoever!
18/12/2012 23:53: Amy:
But I totally know you
18/12/2012 23:53: Amy:
You just get so mysterious at times
18/12/2012 23:53: Amy:
I'm scary now???
18/12/2012 23:53: Brad:
Go onn
18/12/2012 23:53: Brad:
Thenn
18/12/2012 23:53: Brad:
What do you think
18/12/2012 23:55: Amy:
I don't know!
18/12/2012 23:55: Amy:
Or I would've said
18/12/2012 23:55: Amy:
But I literally have no clue.
18/12/2012 23:57: Brad:
Haha
18/12/2012 23:57: Brad:
I'm taking a mysterious risk here
18/12/2012 23:57: Amy:
Well take it
18/12/2012 23:57: Amy:
And spill.
18/12/2012 23:57: Brad:
I don't know if I should say it
18/12/2012 23:57: Brad:
Amy I'm worried about it
18/12/2012 23:57: Brad:
I'm too scared to say it
18/12/2012 23:58: Amy:
Just say it!
18/12/2012 23:58: Brad:
Promise you'll reply
18/12/2012 23:59: Brad:
??
19/12/2012 00:00: Amy:
Erm sure
19/12/2012 00:00: Brad:
Maybe fate doesn't want me to say it
19/12/2012 00:02: Amy:
But that shouldn't stop you.
19/12/2012 00:02: Amy:
What is it?
19/12/2012 00:02: Brad:
Haha
19/12/2012 00:02: Brad:
I overthink
19/12/2012 00:02: Brad:
Ok here it is
19/12/2012 00:02: Amy:
Are you okay?
19/12/2012 00:02: Brad:
*sigh*
19/12/2012 00:02: Brad:
We get along so well and everything you know. I make you laugh and everything.
I just sometimes can't help but wonder if we.....were....something.....more
than....friends, how would it be different. Would it ruin the friendship we
have? I think we'll be closer and stuff but I'm not sure if that's something
you would want from me cos you're scared about what happened with adam. I don't
say it cos I'm coward, I can't say it in person. I'm taking a risk by saying
this you know. And please reply cos if you don't then I overthink and that gets
me upset. There I said it. Happy now?!
19/12/2012 00:02: Brad: :-/
19/12/2012 00:03: Brad:
Read above
19/12/2012 00:03: Brad:
:(
19/12/2012 00:09: Brad:
Amy you're not replyinggg
19/12/2012 00:12: Amy:
Brad I don't know what to say because I had no idea you liked me in that way.
Honestly, the thing is that I'm just not ready for a relationship right now.
You're right, part of me is scared because of what happened with adam because me
and him were good friends and he managed to hurt me so much. But me and you are
even better friends. I wouldn't want to risk our friendship at all. You mean so
much to me that I don't want to lose what we have right now.
19/12/2012 00:15: Brad:
I didn't like you in that way, but it just hit me once when I was in such a
vulnerable stage. It was in me so I had to take it out that's why I said it. I
don't wanna risk the friendship at all either but I had to say what I had in my
mind. I understand your viewpoint as well completely :)
19/12/2012 00:16: Brad:
On the other hand, I know I won't hurt you :p but me saying this shouldn't
affect anything
19/12/2012 00:16: Brad:
Please cos I just wanted to clear it
19/12/2012 00:16: Brad:
Sorry I ever said it
19/12/2012 00:17: Amy:
It's okay :) But I just find it so hard to trust guys right now because adam said exactly the same thing
19/12/2012 00:18: Brad:
Erghhh I feel so bad now
19/12/2012 00:18: Brad:
Sorry Amy
19/12/2012 00:18: Brad:
-.-
19/12/2012 00:18: Brad:
And I understand you completely
19/12/2012 00:18: Amy:
Lol it's okay
19/12/2012 00:18: Amy:
And it won't affect anything because like I said
19/12/2012 00:19: Amy:
You mean so much to me
19/12/2012 00:20: Brad:
Another reason for me to say it was cos so you can move on you know
19/12/2012 00:20: Amy:
Really?
19/12/2012 00:20: Amy:
You would do that for me?
19/12/2012 00:20: Amy:
As in help me move on?
19/12/2012 00:21: Brad:
UM yess
19/12/2012 00:21: Brad:
That's one of the reasons I said what I said
19/12/2012 00:22: Amy:
I didn't know you would
19/12/2012 00:24: Brad:
Well
19/12/2012 00:24: Brad:
:s
19/12/2012 00:24: Brad:
There you go
19/12/2012 00:25: Brad:
So sorry
19/12/2012 00:25: Amy:
You don't have to be sorry
19/12/2012 00:25: Amy:
It means a lot that you were willing to
19/12/2012 00:26: Amy:
It'll just take time
19/12/2012 00:26: Brad:
Yeah
I guess it was nice to be asked out so soon after me and Adam finished - it's only been properly over for about two weeks - but I wish it had been someone else. I'm just not interested in Brad in that way and never will be. He's not my type of guy and I don't think I'm ready for a relationship either.
I feel better now though because I know that people still want to be with me. I can move on so easily. Knowing that I am single by choice is an empowering feeling as it gives me the ability to come back and settle into a relationship any time I choose to.
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