Friday night drunk

I have been making an effort to stay alcohol free ever since the break-up. I think the more I begin to rely on another "thing" (including other people), the less strong I will be once I am on my own. I want to really feel the pain before I can move past it so that I don't try to hold onto any hurt once I recover.

Last Friday night I decided to go out clubbing. It has been a while since I have been to our university's social Friday event and I thought that I might as well go again, since it was likely to be the last time I went out for a party probably until next academic year.

I got dressed, and then went out to get some gin and tonic. I'm not a big fan, but I knew it had a low alcohol content and I could handle it.

But when I got back, other people said that I should add vodka to the drink to make it stronger - "You can't possibly enjoy the night if you are even a little bit sober."

So I did.

I drank more and more and eventually I was completely out of it.

I knew I was drunk and I knew what I was doing, but nothing seemed terribly bad. Consequences didn't seem terribly important.

We left for the party. Me and one of my friends sang Britney Spears songs (completely out of tune) all the way to the venue at the top of our voices. People gave us funny looks, but I didn't care - it's not like we would see any of them again, anyway!

Clubbing was awful. The floor was completely flooded with alcohol and you couldn't step anywhere without getting your shoes ruined. Two of my friends were even more drunk than me. I had to escort one to the Ladies Room twice so she could throw up and the other had to be rescued from an extremely large-bellied pervert.

The only sober friend of mine had confiscated my phone once I had told her (drunk) that I intended to call Adam that night to tell him how much I hated him and I remember vaguely chasing her around the dance floor and attempting to strangle her.

The next morning she told me, more vividly, that I had actually slapped her and then shouted at her to give me my phone back or I will kill her. I had also stolen my phone numerous times from her and sprinted out of the club. She had then gone and dragged me back in.

I called back the creepy phone number (which I had received a missed call from) multiple times before my friend took my phone away. But I also remember me desperately trying to call Adam from another friend's phone (the drunk friend who was throwing up) and then putting the phone down. He then texted her phone with, "Sorry, you called? I'm sorry but I have no idea who this is. x"

The kiss at the end affected me too much for some reason and I started crying. I then tried to run out of the club without my coat (it was a chilly night), and my friends, concerned for my safety, held me back until they had collected the coats from the cloakroom and were ready to leave. We walked back silently to the halls.

I got back and cried.

I knew he was out and probably drunk. He was probably enjoying himself with girls while I returned depressed and alone.

Then I started journaling. I wrote down all the things about me I loved. I included things about my looks, my personality, my achievements and tried to make the list as long as I could. It is so important for me that I understand that I am worth loving and the journal helps me do just that.

Just before I finally collapsed into bed at 4 am in the morning, I knew that this would be one of the last times I would ever contact Adam. I even deleted the creepy missed call number off my phone.

Yes, it still hurts

Today has been an awful day.

I have been literally sitting on my hands to avoid calling Adam as I miss him and I feel so so lonely. I have my 5 km race this afternoon and I realised that there is absolutely no one around to make me feel wanted. My so-called "Best Friend" who I had relied on so much over the past few months seems to have lost all interest in being friends with me and I just can't take any more rejection.

I feel like there is no one who I can reach out to and ask for a hug.

Maybe it is the fact that the weather is down and I am physically exhausted. I haven't been able to keep up with the gruelling training schedule I had planned for myself and it is starting to show. But I know that I have to finish this race. It means too much to me not to. I have to struggle through it because it is the first time I have taken something in my own hands and I feel the need to be better.

I have too much free time right now which means that I am simply wasting away the precious minutes that I thought I would have to enjoy.

Mack was also supposed to call me to arrange another date, but he hasn't. I don't know whether he is expecting me to make the first move or not, but he did explicitly say he will get in touch once his family has left (he was busy with them the whole of last week).

There is no other guy out there who could possibly make me feel loved right now, and that is why I keep wanting to get back with Adam. I know that I don't want a relationship with him, but I need the friendship back. I don't have that kind of friendship with anyone and that has left a gaping whole in my life.

Sometimes it gets so hard that I just can't breathe and I want to cry, yet tears refuse to come. I am stuck in a rut between hell and purgatory. I need to find myself, but all I have been doing is filling up my time so that I spend less time thinking about him, which just doesn't work, because an empty mind leaves too much space for pain.

Break-up songs

I posted once before about the songs I used to help me deal with the break up. I am very reliant on music as a healing device so here are the songs I have been turning to according to the mood they create:

"I hate you" songs

You Oughta Know - Alanis Morisette
So over you - Auburn
Over it - Katherine McPhee
Single ladies - Beyonce
So what - Pink
Cry me a river - Justin Timberlake
Stranger - Hilary Duff
Before he cheats - Carrie underwood
Gunpowder & lead - Miranda Lambert
Done - The Band Perry
Over you - Daughtry
I knew you were trouble - Taylor Swift
We are never ever getting back together - Taylor Swift
Part of me - Katy Perry
Take a bow - Rihanna
Your love is a lie - Simple Plan
Mistake - Demi Lovato
The best you never had - Leona Lewis

"I miss you" songs
WARNING: don't overuse

I almost do - Taylor Swift
Just a dream - Nelly
Broken hearted girl - Beyonce
Someone like you - Adele
What hurts the most - Rascal Flatts
Already gone - Kelly Clarkson
Standing in the dark - Lawson
Beautiful goodbye - Maroon 5
Breakeven - The Script
Running back - Jessica Mauboy
What happened to us - Jessica Mauboy
My heart can't tell you no - Sara Evans

"Better off without you" songs

Strong - Jordyn Taylor
Strong Enough - Cher
Don't hold your breath - Nicole Scherzinger
You won't find this - Carrie Underwood
When you're lonely - Jana Kramer
Brand new me - Alicia Keys
Brokenhearted - Lawson
Walk away - Kelly Clarkson
Who's laughing now - Jessie J
I'm not missing you - Stacy Orrico
Wide awake - Katy Perry
A little bit stronger - Sara Evans
Best thing I never had - Beyonce
Better in time - Leona Lewis

Some other songs are on my "Moving On" Playlist

Time for friendship?

I had been questioning whether or not to meet up with Adam now that exams are up. It had been over 6 months since I last contacted him and I felt like this was the only time that I could play the friendship card without it having any serious repercussions.

I had cheerleading practice last Thursday and I knew that it was close to where he lived.

At first I couldn't decide whether I would meet up with him, but as the practice carried on, I knew I had to meet him and that I would do it that day.

I finished practice - I looked sweaty. I was in gym clothes and my hair was awful, but I decided that it was time for me to meet him.

So I called his landline.

"Hello"

"Hi, is this Adam?"

"Yes this is. Who is this?"

"This is Asha."

"Oh wow. Wow. Erm.. could you hold on one moment?"

I heard him swearing at someone and yelling at them to shut the door.

"Hi. How are you?"

"Hey. I'm fine. Are you in London?"

Stupid me. I asked the question - completely forgetting that I was calling him on his landline!

"Yes I am. Are you? Are you in London?"

"Yes I am," I replied, "I was wondering if you were free for a few minutes? I am in the area and I was wondering if I could meet you?"

"I'm free. Well I'm about to go out with a few friends in a little while, but I'm free now."

"Okay. If you're going out, then it's okay, we don't have to meet. It's okay!"

"No, Amy. Don't do this."

"Seriously, Adam. It's okay."

"Amy. Amy, I'm begging you as a human being. Don't do this. I will meet you, where are you?"

"I'm not sure exactly where I am right now, but I can walk to the station near your flat if you want?"

"Okay, how long will it take you to get there?"

"About 15 or 20 minutes, but if you're going out, we don't have to meet."

"We're meeting."

"I'll only need 2 minutes max of your time."

"Call me when you get there on my phone, okay?"

"I don't have your number any more."

He recited his number. Our mobile numbers are very similar, so he tried to tell me how I could remember his.

"Erm I can't remember that."

"Okay Amy then just call me on the landline and I'll meet you in 5 minutes after that."

"Sure."

I put the phone down and started walking, thinking about what the hell I was doing. I couldn't believe I had just called him and asked to meet. And ofcourse he was going out. He was probably going to be sleeping with a new girl today. That hurt to think about.

I tried to make myself look a bit more presentable, but it was pointless. I should have thought about that before we agreed to meet.

I arrived near his flat and called him.

"Hey. I'm here."

"Okay, I'm just coming."

I waited for around 10 minutes and then he turned up.

He looked ridiculous. He was wearing a denim shirt and denim trousers with the black shoes I had hated.

He also looked awkward in my company.

"Hi"

"Hi. So, what did you have to say?"

"Erm, now this is going to sound so awkward in person. But... well, I don't want us to be enemies."

"I didn't realise we were enemies."

"Okay. Well we were sort of enemies. But I don't want us to be."

"Amy, if I see you around, I'm always going to say hi and ask how you're doing."

"So you're saying you didn't see me on the day of Macro?"

Macroeconomics was our last exam and it was completely ruined because I had run into Adam just before the exam and he was given me a filthy look. I was paralysed for the first hour of the exam and couldn't write anything. At the end of the exam he had practically sprinted out of the room, before I had had a chance to see him.

"No, I didn't see you. But I guess you must have seen me."

"Yes I did. And you're lying about not seeing me, right?"

"Well I'm sort of lying.. but.."

I was mildly surprised. I knew he was liar and it wasn't something he would change easily. We then joked about how his exams went and that he saw me listening to Shania Twain's song and no 20 year old should be listening to that song.

"Amy, the one thing I never lied about is that I am in love with you. I never lied about that.."

"Adam, I don't want to hear it. I said I would just take up 2 minutes of your time and I have said what I wanted to say."

"No, you need to hear this. I never stopped loving you and I have missed you like crazy over the past few months. I am so sorry about how it ended."

"It's okay, Adam. It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore."

"It might seem like a long time ago to you, but not for me. I still love you."

I didn't know what to do or what to say. I half expected this to happen, but a part of me hoped that he would have the decency to extend the hand of friendship.

"Let me hug you."

"No, Adam. Don't touch me."

He grabbed me and I fought against him. I knew that if I let him hold me, it would be harder for me to walk away. I could never resist his touch. He eventually stopped and let me go.

"Amy, don't end like this. I realised when we were breaking up that I can't be friends with you."

"Well we don't have to be friends. I just want us to be non-enemies."

"If this is how you're going to end it..."

"Adam, I didn't want to take up more than a few minutes of your time and I have said what I wanted to say."

"Well let me use up some of your time too. I've given up an hour of my time to meet you."

I was shocked. We had barely been talking for 15 minutes and he was the one who had said he would meet me, even when I had said that if he didn't want to, he didn't have to.

"Don't you dare put this on me." I started.

"Amy, stop. Just let me hold you."

"No, Adam! Why are you doing this?"

"Amy I know you haven't found a guy who treats you as well as I did or who is as lame as me."

I smiled sarcastically. I couldn't believe his cheek. He CHEATED on me! Did he think that I wouldn't find another guy who would treat me a bit better than that?

"What makes you think I want a lame guy?!"

"True.."

"Adam, I have to go."

"Amy, if you're going to end it like this, then.. bye."

"Bye."

I left and walked towards the bus stop. I expected him to come after me, but he didn't. That's when I knew that friendship between us would never work out. We would never be the people we used to be. He changed. He would never be the person I had imagined he was.

The counsellor I was seeing at university asked me, "Do you really believe that you are that powerful? Do you really believe you are powerful enough to change someone?"

And she's right. I am not powerful enough to change him. He is who he is. He would never change for me because he can't. He doesn't want to and it is beyond his will.

It hurts to know that we can never have the friendship back, but I know that this also means that I have to eventually stop trying. I need to stop holding on to the hope that one day everything will be fine.