Fighting the Facebook temptation

I have the greatest urge to log-in on Facebook and find out some news regarding Adam.

I never really noticed, but I think that a part of what was keeping me (relatively!) sane was being able to find out about what was happening in his life.

I hated hearing about his 'new girl' and how much he loved her. I hated it when friends told me they'd bumped into him the other day and he had invited them over for a party or out to coffee, but it meant that I knew he was 'there' and around. I could always go back to him if I wanted to.

This changed on Thursday. After I bumped into him, I decided he had to be gone completely. The text I had sent a few days ago meant that no-one was talking about him to me. The text was quite rude and I wouldn't have sent it, but it was crushing to hear about him when I was trying so hard to forget him. This is what I texted my friends:

"Hey, this might sound odd, but I just wanted to tell you guys that I don't want to hear Adam's name or any jokes/comments about him. I don't want him in my life in any way, so it'd be great if you could help me out with that. If I want to talk about him, I will, but otherwise, as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist anymore. Let's keep it that way."

I even sent it to his flatmate, who kept talking about what Adam had done or how Adam was not helping out with cooking/cleaning etc. I didn't want to know. I'm sure some people took this badly and I got a barrage of "Are you okay??" texts afterwards, but I ignored them.

However, on Thursday I also realised what a hypocrite I was being. I told them to stop, while I continued to crave news from Facebook or anywhere else. I wanted to know what was going on in his life. Did he still want me back?

I'm sure that he's not completely over me yet. How can you move on so quickly after spending most of your days/nights with one person for almost an entire year? But I know that he's definitely trying and he's not coming back.

I'm amazed that I've managed to last one day without knowing, but it shows that you can surprise yourself when you set your mind to it. It is hard, but no-one said it wasn't going to be. I just have to keep pushing forward. Typing "facebook.com" into the address bar is almost a reflex, but I've only slipped twice today. Eventually I hope I will actually find it odd to go on that website and it could save me a lot of time.

I keep thinking about him being back in his home village for the holidays. He must be out tonight, it's a Saturday. He would be with his mates, trying to pick-up girls from pubs. Does he expect me to with him happy birthday in about two weeks time? I'm wondering whether I should.

I guess it will depend on how I feel on the day. The clever thing would be to NOT contact him, but I'm not normally clever when it comes to him.

I miss him every moment of every day and I still think about him all the time, but I'm starting to believe in "time heals" more now because I've stopped hurting. I've realised that so many people have someone who cheats on them, but they move on. And I hope that most of those people end up finding love again and falling for someone who deserves them and let's them know.

For now, I have to stay off Facebook. I need to get stronger and that means getting rid of him completely. He should never have existed. The quote for this is:

"Sometimes burning bridges is a good thing because it stops you going back to a place you should never have been in in the first place."