Today my mom had an argument with my younger sister, Suzy, which led to a shock revelation from her that made me want to contact Adam and just tell him that I want to be with him. My sister is fourteen years old and very difficult at times. I guess it's partly my fault as I have never really tried to get too close to her as our five-and-a-half-years age difference means that I have always considered her 'too young' to know most things about my life.
Suzy doesn't know anything about Adam, but then neither does my mom, for very different reasons. While it was about not influencing my sister, as I don't want her to get involved with any boys at this age, for my mom it was merely because I didn't want her to know I had a boyfriend. I guess my family is quite conservative, and I don't know how she will react.
But today wasn't about me.
Suzy must have answered back to my mom as she tends to, and she normally says very hurtful things. Not swearing or anything like that, but she'll just tell mom to "Shut up."
Having questioned Suzy about what happened, she told me that mom and told her something to do and she sighed in a "Do I have to?" way. Then:
Mom: If you keep sighing you will never get anywhere in life!
Suzy: But I've seen YOU do that too!
Mom: Why do you always answer back!?
I should probably have typed all this out in block capitals to emphasise that this was shouted rather than said between the two of them. Upon hearing the commotion, I went downstairs to investigate what was going on. My mom was now in the living room, decorating the Christmas tree, while Suzy was on the phone to my dad, who had called to ask her what she wanted from the supermarket.
Knowing that Suzy must have said something to mom, I went into the living room and started helping out with the Christmas tree. I glanced at mom to see how she was feeling and I saw that she was trying to hold back, either her anger or her tears, I couldn't quite make out. We decorated the tree in silence and she left as I started putting the lights around the branches.
A while later I came upstairs and we started tidying up the study room together. I made a joke about some thing and she replied,
Mom: Amy, don't joke right now. I'm so angry that I would probably lose it at you too.
Me: But that's why I'm joking around! And I'm not scared of you anyway! Haha
Mom: I'm so angry that I just want to walk out of the house and just.. be gone
I was terrified. She wanted to be dead.
Mom: I wish I could rewind my life
Me: What would you do differently?
Mom: I would never get married
Me: So YOU wish you'd never got married, but you want me too??!
I tried to lighten the mood again.
Mom: I would never get married...
And she leant forward to rest her elbows on the table and started crying. I didn't know what to do. I felt so helpless. All the memories of how Adam had made me feel came flooding back. He was the one guy I actually wanted to marry. He was the one person who made me feel like I didn't have to achieve anything else now that I had him. I could be his, and that was reward enough for my life.
I gently lifted my mom's arms off the table and hugged her.
Mom: No-one's hugs will make anything better
Me: But I just want to hug you anyway
I just stood there, hugging my mom, who I knew had given up so much in her life for other people. She had never truly done anything for herself. I doubt she could look back and say that she did 'that one thing' just because it made her happy.
It's made me so vulnerable. I just feel so scared that I will be in her position at her age. She's 43 years old and she has nothing for herself. There is nothing she has achieved that she can be proud of or be thankful for. She's married to a man who doesn't appreciate her, though he loves her very much. I don't think my parents are "in love" and I never want to be in that position.
This happened about an hour ago and it has taken a lot of self-control to not text Adam right now and tell him everything. I feel like I've made up my mind that I will never get married unless I fall in love, but I guess the fear in my hear right now makes it so unlikely. I think I will just have to wait and see what happens next term. I'm tempted to check whether he has moved on already or not. But if he tries with me again, I won't say no. But I will also not be the one who goes back to him. If he doesn't try, then so be it.
Today just enlightened me about my life and what I want from it. At 40 years of age I want to be able to look back and admit that I lived life to the full and I got as much out of it as I could. No worries, no regrets.
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