Adam feels like a long time ago - someone I knew from another life. I still think about him every second of the day, but it doesn't feel like pain anymore. He's the first thing I think about in the morning and the last thing I think about at night, but he doesn't seem to matter as much.
I'm even a little less tempted to check out his Facebook. I no longer have the right to know what's going on in his life and I need to live by that. I feel more hopeful now too. I keep thinking about how much he lost and how much I lost when we gave up on 'us' and he certainly lost more. I get along with many people, but I think he had a connection with me that he will never have with anyone else and I now get the weirdest feeling when I think about him - it's pity.
I keep thinking about everything he's losing out on, he has no hopes of getting someone like me again. I'm not even sure if he'll manage to fall in love with someone as deep as he did with me, while I know that I will.
It's comforting to know that I didn't give up, he did. And that's why I won't look back and think "what if" because I tried to make it work. I gave him chances after chances, which he didn't take. He'll be the one looking back and thinking "what if I had tried". But I'm glad he didn't. If he had tried I would have stayed with him in the hope of something better for the future and I would have wasted so much more time.
I guess I'm actually starting to believe all the old clichés that "everything happens for a reason". Perhaps if I had kept it up for longer I would have hurt more and thrown away my happiness and ambitions for the sake of a relationship that wasn't really going anywhere.
So this is my thanks to destiny. I'm glad it worked out this way. It will hurt even as it heals, but I will carry on getting a little bit stronger each day.
The song of the day for me:
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