Merry Christmas?

I was woken up this morning by my two cousins jumping on me shouting "Guess who's here?"

My aunt, uncle and their two daughters have come down from the States (that's the United States of America for the purists out there) for Christmas and they will be staying until the 31st of December. I have been quite excited about their visit as I do enjoy spending time with my cousins, who are younger and revere me as something of an academic miracle (they obviously don't know about my first-year university results).

However, since they have been here I've been feeling really desperately lonely. They provide the company I desire, but not the love. I feel empty and them being here means they expect my company and expect me to entertain them as much as possible - I don't get the 'alone time' I usually do.

We had Christmas dinner and pulled a lot of Christmas crackers and party poppers, but those fleeting moments of 'fun' just weren't enough. I don't know what it is that I need to fill myself. I think it might be 'success' - no matter how elusive this particular objective seems right now.

The fact is that I should be happy about the year so far (in all) as I have achieved so much and I (and others) have survived the mythical End of the World.

I realise that I need a purpose in life. Some strong and visual goal to work towards which will give me something else to think about rather than the pain of the past few months.

I guess the main reason that I have been feeling down today is because I, metaphorically, woke up on the 'wrong side' of the bed. Last night I had a dream about Adam and Jemma. They were happily playing tennis in the court next to me (and a 'friend' who I had just met). They were kissing and holding hands and messing around from time to time and I was forcing myself to pretend that I couldn't see them. I was shaking with tears in my dream. It was so realistic that I could physically feel the pain in my heart and felt exhausted when I was woken up.

This is the first time I've actually dreamt about them together and I realise that they probably are doing those things and are happy together, but it doesn't mean that I can't be. I need to refocus my attention. On me.