How I found out (the Facebook chat)

September 25

Adam

No to 'are you gonna answer' or no to 'has there been anything with Harry'

6:47pm

Amy

This is not talking

You want to talk? I do too.

I can't judge anything from a million miles away

6:48pm

Adam

I want you to answer my question regarding Harry

and I want you to be honest

what have you and him 'done'?

6:48pm

Amy

Why are you so insecure?

David? Harry?

6:48pm

Adam

what is he to you

all of them

6:48pm

6:48pm

Adam

Jesus Amy

and you think you're totally blameless for that?

frickin all of them

I have NEVER

EVER

EVER

been made to feel special even once in our time together

6:49pm

Amy

Don't

6:49pm

Adam

I've always felt bottom of the pile

Always

6:49pm

Amy

You're special to me.

6:49pm

Adam

It's just how I've felt

6:49pm

Amy

Special enough for me to want you.

For me to tell you that I think I might be falling for you

6:50pm

Adam

no I'm not. I'm Adam. I'm easy. I'm funny. I can make you giggle and make you feel special.

6:50pm

Amy

But that's never enough

6:50pm

Adam

How is that never enough?

How can I feel positive when I ask you a direct question and you ignore it

6:50pm

Amy

I'm never enough.

6:51pm

Adam

I want to know about Harry

please

6:51pm

Amy

It's always about me and some other guy

I'm telling you for the last time.

6:51pm

Adam

Amy

6:51pm

Amy

He's a friend. And we're talking on 3rd. Or earlier. I'm clubbing every night. You can pick me up from whichever club you want to whichever night.

6:52pm

Adam

He's a friend. Okay. Have you kissed him?

6:52pm

Amy

Read what I've written again?

I want to talk to you.

Not fb you

Not bbm you

Not text you

That's what you've always wanted

And I'm agreeing.

6:53pm

Adam

I have. And you haven't answered that question. Please answer the question: "have you kissed Harry?"

...

It's exactly what I've wanted and I want. Right now, I want you to answer that question

...

I need that answered

You need to understand that I need you to answer honestly.

Amy

This doesn't fill me with confidence tbh...

This is the exact behaviour that makes me feel non special

I think I'm going to need that in the future

It's a very simple question.

I think you need to think about my needs in this relationship.

I suspect there has been something between you and Harry because of you refusal to answer.

If there has been, it's important that I try and get my head around that.

7:00pm

Amy

Why can't you just listen to me sometimes?

7:00pm

Adam

please

answer

the

question

7:01pm

Amy

answer mine

7:01pm

Adam

I've had it

We're over

7:01pm

Amy

GOD

7:01pm

Adam

I'm sick and tired

7:01pm

Amy

Well then okay

7:01pm

Adam

I'm mostly sick though. Mentally sick.

Ill

7:01pm

Amy

Nothing's happened between me and him.

7:01pm

Adam

because I feel SO

7:01pm

Amy

You needed to know.

7:01pm

Adam

SO

SO

Frickin awful

7:02pm

Amy

You do?

7:02pm

Adam

I needed to know at the beginning.

7:02pm

Amy

How do I feel knowing you're enjoying your summer

with others?

ANd have NO time for me?

EVER?

It's always about you

7:02pm

Adam

I needed to know when I asked my girlfriend whether she'd had a thing with him and despite that- she simply couldn't answer

7:02pm

Amy

about what you want me to do for you

never about me.

No you didn't.

I needed an excuse to meet up and talk.

And you couldn't even give me that much time

7:03pm

Adam

Stop telling me how I feel Amy, I have had my heart torn out this summer

My summer has been unimaginably bad

7:03pm

Amy

Have fun with other girls.

And stop lying to me.

7:03pm

Adam

Having a good time with others. Yes. Friends.

How many girls have I kissed this summer?

One.

You.

7:03pm

Amy

Lying again?

Come on Adam.

7:03pm

Adam

No

7:03pm

Amy

DOn't take me for a fool.

7:03pm

Adam

No I'm not lying

what gives you this impression?

7:03pm

Amy

I wish you had the guts to tell me the truth

Guess not.

7:04pm

Adam

Oh

Can I ask why you're doubting m?

7:04pm

Amy

Don't bother asking.

What's the freaking point

7:04pm

Adam

Ask about something specific like I have with you (i.e. Harry) and I'll answer immiediately. I'll clear it up

I want names

7:04pm

Amy

You can't even bring yourself to trust me.

7:04pm

Adam

Tell me who I've kissed

7:04pm

Amy

I'm out of the picture

and you're having your fun.

Understandable.

All the bullshit about how you'll never go for anyone else.

7:22pm

Amy

tell me everything.

7:22pm

Adam

scared as hell

scared and fucking beat

I just wanted us to go and get each other

I didn't want to come and get you. I will, sure. but only if I can see that you're coming to get me, too

I wanted us to 'get' each other

I love you

But I love myself too

And I can't go through the depression I've been through for some of this summer, not again.

and when I ask you

'who is this guy'

I mean

'who is this guy'

and when you're upset that I'm getting weird about it, just ask yourself why.

Because I'm scared and fucking beat

Every bit of confidence that came from me was what you gave me. What 'us' gave me. Loved it. LOVED IT. And it was thrown away and stamped on and you know you're my one and only baby

Which makes it so frickin hard to recover

And I feel alone

7:27pm

Amy

You think it's hard for you?

7:27pm

Adam

yes I do.

7:27pm

Amy

I trusted you

7:28pm

Adam

why DON'T you trust me?

there have been no other girls.

7:28pm

Amy

I wanted to fall for you and I needed you to prove that the summer was strong enough

I needed you to prove it without me saying that I loved you

7:39pm

Amy

I wanted to be there for you as much as I could

But you instead pushed me away further and further

when you told me about anything that was upsetting you

I was there

7:42pm

Adam

look at our summer

whats happened?

I want you

But I have had a hard time

And I ned to understand

And I'll be there

from now on

come on

8:01pm

Adam

Basically I'm going to swim. I'll be back by 9:15. I have a lump in my throat, and I can't believe how I'm being made to feel. I haven't been in constant contact because it's been very difficult. Very hard.

The girls? Okay, let's start with Christina (the German one). Exchange student, whose house mum is Henry's familys' friend (Henry is a boy). Herself and the other girl, whose name I have actually forgotten, needed to meet people. Furthest I've been with her? She has put her head on my shoulder I think. I didn't make it awkward and suggested getting another drink so I could move.

Mexican people...explained.

Others....take your pick from a whole bunch and I may have smiled at them.

That's me.

And this is you, in MY eyes (might not be you)

David: Once he got a new gf I asked how you felt. You said you didnt know. Off guard you said maybe even jealous. I swallowed that pill. That evening was wrecked for me. You wouldnt have known, it was just another pill

I asked you if you slept with him or anyone else, you said no. You lied. I don't mind about that. I don;t mind that you've slept with people and I haven't. It's no big deal. I mind being lied to. I mind not knowing whats going on with Harry because of that lie. And you don't understand that? And you answered after we split up?! There was no attempt to give me any form of security.

Harry: If he's asked you out its obvious you've spent alot of time with him. That doesn't sit well with me.

Your holiday:

The 4 weeks before your holiday killed me. We'd split. I spent every day calling texting crying. I was happy when you took me back but I couldnt just be calling you all the time. And now I havent and you're giving me the elbow.

I question ANYTHING

I try and explain anything..

Its like you're walking out of my life. Deletion of bbm as contact. Ignoring calls (previously), saying have a nice life etc.

Its so fragile. I'm scared and weakened by everything and in one week you can give it all back, we can talk and move on if we both so wish

I don;t like the accusations.

I'm so so so so so so so so so so tired. Of fighting. Its a relationship not a test. But its been a year and I need more security. Sorry for needing that. Thats me. I'll give you every piece of security and I'll give you eeverything.

..If we work.

And we will, if you want us to. But I need to do well at uni this year (clever two shoes Amy doesnt need work, Adam does) and I can't chase chase chase and feel emotionally distraught. My doctor says that.

I know you don;t believe me but I love you and wouldn;t have hung around or done what I;d done thus far if I didn't. If I could save one person in the world it might- just might- even after everything, be you. Because I believe.

8:26pm

Amy

I've said before. You know all the right things to say. It's just easy for you. But you can't keep expecting me to believe it every goddamn time. You say things and then disappear for days. We didn't have contact for a few days in the middle. And you didn't for a second make me feel wanted over the past month. It was just a game to you. You got hurt, and you got over it. Next.

8:27pm

Amy

It's so hard because every time I've ever been with a guy he's made me feel when I'm not there the same as when I am.

If our relationship was cooling down in person, it was the same over the phone.

If it meant a lot, he made it known even when I wasn't there.

The guys..God.

This summer has helped me a lot with my self esteem. I know that I can get any guy I want.

It's not hard.

I'm over the low self-esteem feeling I had before.

I believe in myself now. I know that I'm good enough for people out there and that's a big difference from before the summer. And I did it without you.

You weren't a part of it.

And..

I don't even remember saying I was jealous of his new gf.

It felt a bit odd I guess because he hadn't been with any other girl but me for a while and he was acting weird too.

I told you about that.

He would go on and on about her in front of me like he had something to prove.

And I just didn't get it.

I still don't.

You didn't seriously think I was sleeping with Harry while going out with you?

If I was, I'd do the same as I would expect you to do: tell me.

I would have told you.

There was nothing you could have done. Hell, you couldn't even have come and beaten him up.

Me and Harry have history.

It's a long story. I wanted to tell you in person, but that isn't happening so.

.

I don't like accusations either! And that's all you ever do. Accuse me of being with some guy or other. And of all the other guys trying to be with me.

And I've told you so many freaking times. You're done chasing. You had me already. All you had to do was keep me. Simples.

9:08pm

Adam

I'm here whenever, back from the swim.

I do know how to say the right things. Yep. But at this precise moment, thats all I can do

And you and Harry have history? Okay, so now it makes a bit more sense. 

I'm glad this summer has been good for your self esteem. Ofcourse you can get any guy you want! I think you should. If it's me, come and get me. If it's not, don;t settle for me.

And truly? Yes I am concerned because you can get any guy. Hardly good for me, that

And yes when you're talking about going round Chris's house and smoking dope (or watching him) and laughing on the other end of the phone when I'm mid 10 hr shift, I get accusatory

Even though that was never your intention, I have never been reassured of anything.

"But you can't keep expecting me to believe it every goddamn time."

It's not about that. It's that theres a girl I really like, will and have fought to keep hold of

And honestly, it doesn't feel like I'm done chasing

I've asked you about what you've been up to during the day at the bgeinning of your holiday and you're always reluctant to say

Can I ask you some questions?

Here we go:

Do you think we are/ can be special together?

Do you want to be with me?

Do you believe that we can recover from this and go on to become perfect for one another?

Do you think we're beyond repair?

here whenever..

it's 21:23 I hope you're coming....I really do.  xx

9:25pm

Adam

specifically can you tackle the questions

9:25pm

Amy

GOD.

You are still so frustrating.

FINE.

I thought we were special.

I do want to be with you.

No I don't think we can because we haven't tried and we don't know what to do. Either of us.

I said yes to the "beyond repair" last time.

I just don't know anymore.

I'm sorry I've only just noticed.

But CHRIS!??

9:27pm

Adam

I know you did last time that's why I asked again

9:27pm

Amy

ARE YOU FREAKING SERIOUS?

9:29pm

Amy

And you were going on and on about how he was asking me for sex

Like really?

I mean COME ON.

And why do you feel like you're still chasing?

9:30pm

Adam

what do you mean by COME ON...? How was I meant to know how you felt?

9:36pm

Amy

mhmm

You said "we're over"

stop taking it back everytime

9:36pm

Adam

can you please give me the chance to think about and then articulate an answer for you?

9:36pm

Amy

or stop expecting me to make you take it back

9:36pm

Adam

wouldn;t you rather have something that I'd thought hard about?

9:36pm

Amy

You can't take words back

fine

I'll wait

9:36pm

Adam

okay

9:38pm

Adam

I feel like I'm still chasing because I haven't ever 'felt' like a boyfriend. Tonight even, you didn;t try and stop me when I said we were over. It was like all those words you said disappeared with 'fine'. That was that. And I think we're fragile. I feel like I have to make an active effort to keep you (and that if I don;t you'll simply say that its time we moved on). I don't know why exactly. I know you wouldn't be with someone unless you wanted to be. But when I'm with you I'd really like to have some of that coming the other way too. Then it would feel less like chasing and more relationship.

9:38pm

Adam

and you can take words back.

and if you'll have me, I will.

keep asking. I'll answer what you want/

/ isnt meant to be there

I dont see how us being together on 3rd night and me being able to come and get you and you wanting me and visca versa has transcended into : Guess you're gone.

I'll see you at university, Adam.

Freshers week probably

I just don;t see how

are you there?

9:43pm

Amy

yes

9:44pm

Adam

fire away

ask and you'll get

specifics

9:46pm

Amy

I doubt you would put up a "in a relationship" status now

9:46pm

Adam

I would

9:51pm

Adam

I think you've seen a couple of photos and jumped the gun a bit, Amy. The past month, there have been no 'girls'... and okay

9:51pm

Amy

okay Adam

If I put up one of my holiday photos on the beach with all my friends who are guys. Including Harry as my pp

and then said nothing happened.

You wouldn't question it?

9:52pm

Adam

I would indeed

I would question that instantly

I wouldn't like that

9:52pm

Amy

Then?

Why should it be different the other way round?

Just because I don't care what you do with other girls?

9:53pm

Adam

A pub is slightly different to a beach. Also I know nothing happened with the girls. I know that.

and because I asked if we'd go to the beach together and you didn't want to

9:53pm

Amy

How is it different?

9:54pm

Adam

it's different because they're wearing coats and you'd be wearing practically nothing. And because you've denied us the chance to go to the beach or something special like that. I suppose. And because you're gorgeous and any guy on that beach wouldve wanted you. And you couldve got with any guy on that beach

9:55pm

Adam

"Just because I don't care what you do with other girls?"

really?

9:55pm

Amy

So because I'd be showing more skin on camera it certainly makes it unacceptable?

I've already said. Do what you want and tell me.

9:56pm

Adam

But I don't get that

9:56pm

Adam

I don't get why you wouldn't care

9:56pm

Amy

yes

Because that way I'd know.

I'd know you trusted me enough to tell me

you felt guilty enough/cared enough to tell me

It wouldn't matter that you had

it would matter than you had then regretted it

and we'd be starting over sure

but we'd be starting over truthfully

9:58pm

Adam

but heres my problem

9:58pm

Amy

I wouldn't say "I do" to anyone who didn't tell me everything

10:00pm

Adam

is it just that you need me to share these things to make us 'equal'? Is that why the 'have you had sex' question been so important? Because if theres something you're not telling me because you're worried I haven't done those things too, I can't help by making stuff up... I made up my only other girl. I did sleep with Gemma

10:00pm

Adam

I told you about her

10:00pm

Amy

don't bullshit me Adam

10:01pm

Adam

I'm not.

10:01pm

Amy

It's about you telling the truth

that is all.

That's all it has to be

there's no equality

I don't believe in being equal to anyone

10:01pm

Adam

Okay so if I said I'd kissed one other girl this summer what would yo say?

10:01pm

Amy

it's worse or worse

I'd say who and why and when?

And move on

10:02pm

Adam

But I can't handle that reasoning

10:02pm

Amy

Because it is worth knowing rather than hating you for it

Well then you just don't get why relationships are meant to work

That's my reasoning.

It's my way of knowing that you told me

10:02pm

Adam

But if I haven't done anything, I can't say anything, can I?

can I ask you a question? In terms of guys, do you only trust those who have betrayed you in some way?

10:05pm

Amy

that's for you to tell me, right?

no

I trust those who prove themselves to me

So I guess I have yet to get there

I trust David as a friend. Not as a boyfriend.

There's a difference

10:06pm

Adam

even seeing that name makes me ill...I had to do all this research in my internship right. Practically all CEOs are called David. Its insane! I had to quit.

and it is. And I'm telling you.

I think trust is very different for us

To me, I always 'give' trust. To everyone. Some abuse it, some don't.

It seems with you you don't give it until proven

10:07pm

Amy

Okay Adam you can't be serious.

10:07pm

Adam

very different, but it's hard to prove yourself when what you have to do isnt based on trust in the first place

HAHA I'm bing serious

being

I've had an awful, awful condition for some time

10:08pm

Amy

Well it's a nice name?

10:08pm

Adam

It is a nice name, yes

brb

10:08pm

Amy

So that's why it's popular

okay

10:08pm

Adam

literally brb

bk

10:10pm

Amy

What's your awful condition?

10:10pm

Adam

its actually not the reason its popular. I've read a paper on name picking

annnyway

the condition I've had because of 'us'. I've been ower than I've ever thought possible and had this

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Takotsubo_cardiomyopathy

it one reason I swim so much

10:30pm

Adam

if you want, you can come and see me on the 3rd

10:31pm

Adam

I'll pick you up

10:31pm

Amy

....

10:31pm

Adam

bring you back

10:31pm

Amy

we're not doing this again

10:31pm

Adam

you can wear a tee shirt of mine to bed

10:31pm

Amy

don't you see how much it takes out of us?

10:31pm

Adam

I do actually, yes

I leaves me feeling so ill

10:31pm

Amy

Then there's no point

10:32pm

Adam

well

I do fancy you

10:32pm

Amy

Okay

then do something

I know you hate tests

but this is one

10:32pm

Adam

oh jesus

okay

10:33pm

Amy

Put up a "In a relationship" status for the next 4 days.

You can remove it on saturday night

You can say no

10:33pm

Adam

but I'm not in one

10:33pm

Amy

You don't have to

I know

10:33pm

Adam

I don't want to

10:33pm

Amy

Okay

10:34pm

Adam

That just hurts

10:34pm

Amy

What does now?

10:34pm

Adam

the ida of having to take it back down again

the idea of you not coming over

the idea of being apart from you

10:34pm

Amy

You're good with words

10:34pm

Adam

it all just hurts

10:34pm

Amy

But I just don't believe that's the reason.

10:34pm

Adam

no Amy, I'm shite with words.

10:35pm

Amy

No Adam

You're bad when it comes to make them meaning something

But when it's just tweaking things you're fine with it.

10:35pm

Adam

you know the first time I said I loved you

you know the first thing you did was be silent

you didnt smile

10:36pm

Amy

You know when you said it?

10:36pm

Adam

you didnt even say 'dont be silly'

10:36pm

Amy

Do you even remember?

10:36pm

Adam

yeah

yeah

10:36pm

Amy

When?

10:36pm

Adam

you were laying down on your purple duvet. I was sat 'up' farther down the bed.

10:37pm

Amy

You expected me to say "don't be silly"?!?? You're crappy with words sometimes.

10:37pm

Adam

it was the purple one not the blue that time

10:37pm

Amy

when as in date/time/month

10:37pm

Adam

March 6th

late at night

10:37pm

Amy

Not true

Try again?

10:38pm

Adam

yeah I'm guessing

I think late February or early March. We'd been going out over a month

after about a month I knew I wanted to be with you

and that I loved you

and that I'd keep coming back like a helpless fool

I really you, your reaction, my reaction, the still image

remember

10:39pm

Amy

Okay nm

go on with what you were saying

10:40pm

Adam

yes you wre saying I'm crap with words having no meaning

well

when I said that you took away a nice moment

10:40pm

Amy

no you were saying something about me not even saying don't be silly..

10:40pm

Adam

yeh

you didnt say ANYTHING

not even a shut up

UNTIL

Maybe half an hour later you said 'are you just saying this to sleep with me'

I spent the next half hour convincing you that was not the reason

so I agree

clearly, I'm shit with words

10:41pm

Amy

No

That wasn't what happened

you remember it wrongly or partially

10:42pm

Adam

its what I have in my memory

10:42pm

Amy

you first told me you loved me

before we even started going out

in november or so

10:42pm

Adam

yes I know

10:42pm

Amy

And that time I told you to shutup

10:42pm

Adam

I remember first meaning it when I told you in this example

10:42pm

Amy

And I told you to never say it again until you meant it

10:42pm

Adam

correct

and then I did

so I do remember

10:43pm

Amy

But it was so shocking

There was no sign that you felt that way

you just randomly said it.

For a long time I couldn't even tell if you liked me more than a friend or just a friend with 'something more'

10:44pm

Adam

really?

10:44pm

Amy

And god Adam. Can't you even try to see it from my point of view?

Every guy has said that.

I don't know if any of them have ever meant it

and it's so hard to keep hearing it

and thinking "bullshit"

all the time!

10:45pm

Adam

I have tried but if someone said that to me I'd at the very least pretned to be happy and kiss them if they lent in

but I didnt see myself as 'just another guy' for you

10:45pm

Amy

pretend?

10:45pm

Adam

I saw myself as your future

10:46pm

Amy

I don't pretend.

It just makes everything harder

10:46pm

Adam

I'm saying I wouldnt have taken away from it so much in any situation

I know you dont

just wish you took risks

10:46pm

Amy

I took a risk with you.

Look where we are now

Funny thing about risks

10:46pm

Adam

wish you'd said things, done things and given yourself the opportunity to get hurt with me

10:46pm

Amy

It doesn't work out all the time.

10:46pm

Adam

cos I wouldnt have screwed that

10:47pm

Amy

Haven't you already?

10:47pm

Adam

No no no. You took other risks with me. Negative ones.

this isnt a one person thing you know

I never felt wanted Amy.

10:47pm

Amy

God I wish I could tell you everything

What are negative risks?

which ones?

10:48pm

Adam

and you cant, because you dont trust me? And you dont trust me because despite everything you think I'm gonna run off and tell people. People think youve been an angel with me. They probably think im a moron because of what you may have said. I dont care about them. Or anyone else. I care about us

10:49pm

Adam

I'd say not saying things that you shouldve at the right times is in some ways a risk

just a negative one

10:50pm

Amy

No because you haven't told me everything yet.

Or I just don't feel like you have.

10:51pm

Adam

but I'm really really boring

really boring

really really fucking boring

I have skeletons

I'm not proud of stuff

I have insecurities

10:52pm

Amy

How about if I told you I knew everything?

And that this is the last chance for you to tell me

or it's over forever

our friendship too

we'd only be working on the conference

and then once that's over there'll be nothing else

ever

10:53pm

Adam

I'd pull the conference in a second happily. I'm there for you. I helped you get the position from Max whether you see it that way or not. I'm a real bastard Amy

And if you said that

then I'd say come see me on the 3rd

and if you didnt then I'd be broken. But I wouldnt be your problem if you didnt want me to be. And you wouldnt even have to know

jesus christ also moment of relfection didnt max just wet himself

scared shitless kid

pwned

10:54pm

Amy

And why would I come and see you on 3rd?

10:55pm

Adam

I think you know you want to, anyway. And I think you'd get whatever you came for.

10:55pm

Amy

I can control what I want.

What does that mean?

Don't be implicit.

10:56pm

Adam

huh?

SO confused

I think you'd want to see me

you'd want that night

you'd want me

you'd want to lay there and talk like only we can

I think

and listen to my heartbeat (it's really slow now)

and kiss me

and cuddle me

I think thats what you want

I really hope it is

10:58pm

Amy

But you're not in a relationship remember?

10:58pm

Adam

I'd forgotten actually

thanks for the reminder

I think we could be after the 3rd

10:59pm

Amy

Are you kidding me, Adam?

10:59pm

Adam

in a really good one

11:00pm

Adam

I want you to come over on the 3rd. Sober.

And stay the night.

11:01pm

Amy

I'm going to camden before that.

11:01pm

Adam

ideally bring an overnight bag or sleep in my t shirt

11:01pm

Amy

No chance of being sober.

11:01pm

Adam

okay

11:01pm

Amy

And I don't intend to be sober anytime during freshers anyway

11:01pm

Adam

haha youre cute

but seriously, if you could be sober for one night, and show me that respect, it would mean alot

11:03pm

Amy

And how will I get a overnight bag?

No

wait

I'm not even going there

Adam how can you even expect this from me?

11:03pm

Adam

because its m

me

and I expect it from you

Because I want you

I just want to feel wanted back

And we can show us a good time

And I dont get relationships because Ive only been with one girl and shes frickin nuts although I do fancy her alot

I didnt have to question Harry you know

I couldve made it easy and guaranteed you coming over

but I didnt

11:05pm

Amy

No you didnt.

11:05pm

Adam

I was brave

11:05pm

Amy

And I didn't have to answer

11:05pm

Adam

So I'm saying be brave

cos I care who you're with

I care about you

your safety

11:06pm

Amy

Yes but that's not you anymore

11:06pm

Amy

I can't let you think that saying it's over is a little thing

make your decisions and live by them

11:07pm

Adam

I anted a reaction girl

wanted

I'm exhausted

I want you back

I'd say or do anything

11:07pm

Amy

You're not the only one

why?

so you can keep losing me again?

keep pushing me away again?

It's getting tiring for me too

and I keep asking why you won't open up to me.

And I have no answer

11:07pm

Adam

I think you're the problem too, baby

its not just me

11:08pm

Amy

and then I have choices and they keep telling me why I'm with you

And I can't keep looking for answers

if you can't provide them

You make it too hard for me

11:08pm

Adam

I just want you to come over

and if you could 'peer' inside my head this whole thing would seem so different

you'd realise just how tough its bn

been

and how much I desire you

11:09pm

Amy

Not much.

That's the answer

11:09pm

Adam

no. It's YOUR answer.

11:09pm

Amy

You didn't

no Adam

it's the answer you proved

11:10pm

Adam

proved by saying I'd had enough?

After I asked countless times about Harry and you ignored and ignored and ignored me

girl

11:10pm

Amy

Proved by you thinking it's easy to start again every time to keep saying it's over

11:10pm

Adam

I'm a guy

not some God

11:10pm

Amy

So is he.

He tries to be there for me when I was upset over you!

When you didn't bother to be there for me

11:11pm

Adam

hahaha sure

Amy, he'd be there all the time you were upset over 'me'- such an opportunity for him

didnt bother?!

when I asked you out and you went on holiday that wasnt 'us' back to normal

that was me waiting for you to come back so we could begin our lives together

how have we shattered that in one evening?

The difference between me and the others is that I'm gonna be there more than just when you're having bf trouble, if it comes to that

11:13pm

Amy

Again!??

Really?

God what is it with guys?

11:13pm

Adam

yes because you DONT REALISE HOW LOVELY YOU ARE

11:26pm

Adam

Amy

come over on the 3rd and tell me youre done

I want you baby

11:27pm

Amy

Not enough.

You've proved that repeatedly today

11:27pm

Adam

no I havent

Amy

look

11:27pm

Amy

And he's right because he didn't think you'd try enough for me, or I assume that.

11:27pm

Adam

LOLOLOLOLOL

I mean, really?

Are we forgetting that I chased you like a maniac

11:28pm

Amy

Until you had me? No we're not.

11:28pm

Adam

and even then

argh

coming to your room everynight

doing dumb stuff you dont even know about to try and impress you

just wanting to be with you

11:29pm

Amy

Until it got tough, then?

Can't you see?

You made it easy for yourself afterwards

11:30pm

Adam

I'm asking you

to come over on the 3rd

and talk

and say what you want

and stay over

lay beside me again

and, please

just do it

its a risk I know

but come with a good heart

open mind

please

Amy

its for your benefit too

you control your own life this is me giving you control

11:31pm

Amy

I was going to

But then you took a stupid chance

11:31pm

Adam

I know

but I felt bad about the Harry thing

11:32pm

Amy

I feel bad about a lot of stuff that you simply avoid

11:32pm

Adam

what stuff?

name and I will say

ask away

ask me a question

11:32pm

Amy

For god's sake Adam!

I don't want to have to ask!

11:33pm

Adam

then come on the 3rd night and let me spill it all

11:33pm

Amy

I want you to tell me

Don't.

Do it now

11:33pm

Adam

let me give you that

11:33pm

Amy

And I'll come

11:33pm

Adam

okay

okay sure

this summer I kissed one other girl. Her name is Lucy, shes not in any photos. It was two kisses

I went to the cinema with another girl

and shes just a friend

as in, lifelong

that is it

and

we were not together at this point

also

at 17 I had a gambling addiction

erm

a crippling one

I have hugged girls

thats it

and you were the first girl I kissed

it showed

that is it

11:39pm

Amy

Why did you deny it?

11:39pm

Adam

because i'm frickin scared

nd as you probably wont come on the 3rd you deserve to know

and because its totally meaningless.

and that- honestly, is my closet

I dont need to know yours

I just want you to come on the 3rd night

11:42pm

Amy

Why'd you do it?

And why didn't you tell me straight away?

11:43pm

Adam

because nothing compares to you and it was a bigger risk than the question regarding Harry.

and I have been thinking about our night for a bloody long time

11:44pm

Amy

Why did you kiss her?

11:44pm

Adam

because I was drunk and I felt 'wanted'. She was really flirty and made me feel special

and fyi I like older women too

and I am not pleased that I did.

But I feel better having said

there was also this other woman who I made laugh so much she declared I was the funniest person she'd ever met and she found that really attractive, but, at 35, she was too old

and I'm sorry

and right now all I want to do is kiss you

and I'm more sorry that I might not get that chance again

11:48pm

Amy

Why did you say no to changing your relationship status?

11:50pm

Adam

I know WHY you think I've done that. And you're wrong. It's because I'm not in a relationship and because when it comes to taking it down people will ask why. Also, if I put it up, I'll get loads of comments like 'oooh you finally did it' and it'll make me feel shit. The girls I could potentially meet aren't on fb- certainly not the 23yr old Brazilians that I'm into. So it's not for the reason you thought.

11:52pm

Adam

do you have another question?

11:55pm

Amy

So exactly when did you kiss her?

11:56pm

Adam

honestly I can't remember. That's the truth and I have no way of finding out. It was mostly flirting and talking and then she kissed me once and I then kissed her again. And then she left about half an hour later

It was in a restaurant garden at about midnight

another question?

11:59pm

Amy

You did this while telling me you loved me and you never looked at any other girl but me.

12:02am

Adam

I do love you but I was in the lowest point of my life. And if I'd be sober and able to articulate the situation it probably wouldn't have happened. There was no emotion behind the kiss- just "fun", although it wasn't because she was an awful kisser. And truly, I haven't met a girl that compares to you in many, many ways. But this whole night had been perfect and she gave me what I'd been lacking: she made me feel really good and was exceptionally good socially

12:03am

Adam

she was like a bad rebound. And I'm ready to commit to you, and have been for a while. And in all our time together, this was my only 'slip'.

another question?

also theres one more thing

that I have remembered

there was this American girl who came to the rocket once and we talked for a bit. She kissed me on the neck really quickly (as soon as I felt her I got away) and I did tell her I was in a happy relationship with you.

and thats the truth

do you have another question?

12:09am

Amy

Doing anything with any girls for the rest of the week?

12:11am

Adam

yes. I'm going to coffee with a girl called Alice. It's for the alumni scheme I run at TPS (our old school). Its purely professional, and I have no interest in her in 'that' way. The feeling is mutual (she hates m a bit infact). On Friday I'm out with a girl called Lorna and her group. Lorna is a lesbian. And no- thats not a joke. In Petersfield I have brilliant social standing and am often invited out for this reason. It sounds like bs, but she asked, and I said I would come out and make it a party. There is NOTHING of any 'relationship' nature that is happening.

12:12am

Adam

and that is true

another question?

and what do you make of all of this? Are you coming over on the 3rd night? Do you hate me? Do you like me? Do you want me in any way? Are you really disappointed?

and honestly, the closest I got to those Mexican girls is in the photo...

Amy I know it probably doesn't mean much but that really is the whole truth and I really do love you.

And if I didn't I wouldn't have told you.

please say something Amy

12:26am

Adam

sat here waiting for you girl

I'm getting food.

I'll be back in 10

12:36am

Adam

back

Amy

please talk to me

I'll stay up all night

12:44am

Adam

I'm really sorry Amy

I really hope you do indeed decide you come over on the 3rd night

I'm totally ready for 'us' and I want to see how we've changed

I'm so sorry you went offline

Honestly, this is the lot

and it's not much, right?

honestly girl I want you back and am prepared to fight for you

I'll stay online for an hour or so x

1:13am

Adam

I really want you to write back to me Amy

don't leave me

I was honest with you eventually and don't want to lose you. You're really really special to me

really special

1:22am

Adam

I love you. Please write back to me. x

1:36am

Adam

Still here

I really hope you see that I've been honest and that I still want you.

If you still want me, come on the 3rd night. I'll make it so so special for us. Baby, I want you.

x

1:52am

Adam

I am off to bed. Goodnight Amy. I have been hinest about everything and if you have more questions I'd be happy to answer. I miss us. I want you SO badly on the 3rd. x

love you x

September 26

9:07am

Amy

Thanks for telling me. I don't believe this happened while we had broken up, btw. Because even you couldn't be as heartless to cry in front of me and then kiss someone else. Even you couldn't have done that. So that means you cheated. Not much and not necessarily all your fault. But that's okay.

9:08am

Amy

I'm not coming over on the 3rd.

It's over. Forever.