"Find yourself a husband"

I have been so excited about blogging this ever since this topic came up in conversation last night.

Yesterday was the last night the entire family (including my aunt and uncle's family) was together as their flight was early today. So, in a bid to have a 'good ol' catch up' me, my parents, my uncle and aunt and their eldest daughter were all sitting around the dining table reminiscing about our last holiday together, my elder cousins and how they had changed over time and discussing their prospective future.

I'm not sure exactly how we got to this topic, but my uncle suddenly said:

"So, Amy, tell me, do you have a boyfriend?"

I guess I should be pleased that instead of lying at least I could answer him honestly.

"No, Uncle, I don't. How sad is that?" I replied with a cheeky grin.

"I am her boyfriend! See, I am a boy, and I am her friend. Is that not so?" Dad jokingly said.

"Ahhh, Amy, you have a very sad life if that's how it is!" My aunt laughed.

"Ewww. No. You may be a boy, but you are certainly not my friend!" I said, aghast that my dad would make such a claim!

"Well, Amy, it is up to you to find yourself a husband. Find someone who's suitable. Not BMW [Black-Muslim-White]. And remember that family is very important" Uncle said in a serious tone.

I should probably explain the significance of this sentence in more detail before I go on. I am of Indian heritage - the eldest girl of Indian immigrants. I was born in India, though I have lived in the UK for the majority of my life. I grew up with Indian morals, where you marry with the permission of the whole family.

The term 'arranged marriage' is an out-dated concept within my family. Instead marriage works like a dating service, where prospective dates are chosen by your parents. Your parents introduce you to several guys who are of respective standing and who they believe will be suitable for you. You then go on several dates and if you both 'fall in love' and give your consent, preparations for your engagement are started.

You also have the opportunity to meet the guy's parents and family several times, to get to know them as well as possible. The length of time for which you date depends from person to person and, I think, varies from about 3 months to 1 year.

I had always believed that this was the same route as I was expected to take and thus constantly felt that me and Adam would never really work out because he was English. I knew that if I was sure that me and Adam were meant to be and he could make me happy and I brought that up with my parents they would never be opposed to it. They care first and foremost about my happiness. Anything that would make me happy is a straight "Yes", no questions asked.

A part of me was relieved, nevertheless, that I was not put into the position where I try to explain why I wanted to marry a white boy. But then the conversation continued. I talked to my Uncle, while everyone else quietened down to listen.

"huh, Uncle? What do you mean?" I asked.

"You need to make sure you choose someone who is suitable for you. He should be educated and you should know his family."

"Why is family so important? You are living with the person, not with their family."

"In the end, Amy, we are all like our families. I find that as I get older, my personality reflects my parents' character more and more. We learn most of what we know from our families. Our traits, our behaviours and our actions when the going gets tough, reflect our family's morals and what our parents taught us."

I was silent for a while. He had hit upon a point unintentionally. I had often thought about the fact that my family might not accept a non-Indian boy into the family. But I realised that it was more than that. Adam had cheated on me when the going had got tough - did that reflect his family values? And if it did, could me and him work out long term? Did I even want to join a family which lacked the most basic morals?

His words also made me think about it from a different perspective. I am from an upper-class, relatively well-off family. Would his family have been able to accept me? I remembered what Adam had once told me about his parents not being happy with his relationship with me because they "resent the fact that your family has money unlike ours". They might think I was deliberately showing-off if I wore nice clothes or if I wanted to travel more they would feel that I was being a spend-thrift and wasteful with money. Would I want those views forced on me?

"Okay, I can understand where you are coming from, but a person may not be like their family. And look at us. How often does dad meet my mom's family? Once a year maybe? While you would spend every day of your life with the guy, not his family. And let's say his family is not educated, but he is. Say he's at my university, studying my course. Doesn't that change things? He stands on the same level as me." I asked.

"Yes, Amy, but the person is a product of their family. There are exceptions I believe where a boy may be much more educated than his family, but that gap in the education between generations is not comfortable. He will never forget the poor roots of his background and that would make it unlikely that he would ever accept a higher standard for himself." Uncle reasoned.

A weird realisation started creeping over me. Adam was the first person in his family to go to university. No one in his family really read books, including him. He liked to talk about philosophical matters but he had no arguments to support them and there were many things which he just wasn't aware of. General knowledge was not his strong point and he never made an effort to find out more.

"Okay, I guess you're right. But what about the BMW rule? In this modern age, everyone is equal. So why should I discriminate as to who I can date and who I cannot date based on their skin colour or religion?" I asked.

My uncle glanced at my dad before answering, "Because you need to be compatible. I have absolutely nothing personal against any other race. But you should be comfortable in the relationship."

"But I don't have many 'Indian' traits left. I would say I am part of the British culture more than the Indian culture." I said.

"You 'think' so.." My aunt added, "It's not true."

"She's right, Amy." Dad nodded in agreement.

"You may not be religious, but if he is, he'll expect you to follow his religion or at least appreciate it." Uncle continued, "In a marriage there will be many points where you don't agree - why add another? It is about finding someone who understands and appreciates your background. He should respect your parents' views too. Would you be happy with someone who sneers at the traditions your parents continue?"

I went into flashback again. I remembered a time when Adam had made a snide remark about arranged marriages when I had first tried to explain it to him. He didn't even try to understand.

"At the end of the day, it has to be someone who makes you happy and who will continue to do so. Someone who you respect and who respects you," Aunt quietly said.

This whole conversation was an eye-opener and just made me feel so much more free. I was glad the topic had come up because I had always wanted to see my parents' reactions and I was lucky enough to not have had to initiate the conversation.

I disagree with the religion and race requirements as I simply don't think that it should be a consideration for love. If you are meant to be, you will be. I think that there are many English boys I know who probably respect my culture more than some of the Indian ones. But then there must be just as many counter-examples to that. I guess it just depends on the person.

I realised that my family was a lot more open minded than I had thought and I was almost free to fall in love with whoever I chose. But this also made me look back at mine and Adam's relationship and wonder if things would have worked out differently if I had believed that me and him would have had my parents' blessings. I always thought me and him had no future, without causing strife in the family.

But I guess the other side of the argument was that he was never suitable for me as a person. He had a big inferiority complex which meant that he was never comfortable with my background and social standing. Perhaps me and him just weren't supposed to work out.

I also keep thinking about his family and friends and how it compares to mine. Adam was a heavy social drinker. He didn't drink at his flat, but he liked pubs and drank heavily when he was with friends. I had repeatedly told him that I hated him drinking and it worried me and he had readily promised that if I wanted him to give it up, he would do it in an instant. Yet he had never shown me that he could. I know now that it was stupid of me to think that he would ever give it up. Or even if he did, eventually he will go back to it - it was a part of his personality and a result of his friendship group.

Another part of our relationship was his obvious infatuation with money. It was never the fact that he was using me for money, but more that he felt inferior and wronged by my wealth. He didn't understand how I could just spend money without carefully considering a purchase several times and he often brought up the fact that I didn't want to be with him because I wanted someone 'rich' who would take me on extravagant holidays, or fancy restaurants. I had told him that I could afford any of that myself and didn't need a guy to be my personal bank. I had also tried to explain that I didn't care about fancy days out; I was just as happy staying in and watching movies on the laptop - I wanted to spend time with him and I didn't care what we did.

But I also think he overestimated just how rich I was. He thought my parents were billionaires, which couldn't be farther from the truth. Though I get almost everything I ask for, my parents are not even millionaires. I don't eat out at the Ritz every weekend. Yet my explanations always fell on deaf ears with Adam. Today gave me the opportunity to consider this from a family perspective. Adam has only known the life in his village and most of his friends and family can't afford half the things I have.

I think his family would never have accepted me either. They would never have said anything to my face, but I would never have felt comfortable in their house. I don't think I could have started a conversation with his father or mother without him being there. Did I really want a life like that?

Adam's background meant he could never have fit in well with my family either. I couldn't imagine introducing him to my parents and I couldn't imagine him ever treating my sister well or getting along with her. And even if my parents accepted him, my extended family would never be able to fully understand our relationship. A part of me feels that it was not so much Adam's religion (he was an atheist) or race that would have affected our relationship, but his background and his personality.

Now I know, however, that any future relationship has the ability to work out on my terms because I am clearer about who I want to be with in the long term. Prince Charming, here I come!