Last night I heard from Adam after two and a half months of no contact. I hadn't even seen him in two months! It was a Facebook message. I was terrified. I didn't want to open it, but I didn't know what to do. I was curious, but I didn't know if I should satisfy my curiosity.
After I had logged on to his Facebook, I told myself I would stay away from it for a while. I needed the space and I had found out enough to give me the conviction to believe in myself. But then the message arrived on my Facebook.
I guess I was to blame. I had wanted to go to a Pub Quiz for a while, but I hadn't gone because the one that my friends went to was 'his' thing and he went with them every Monday. I mentioned it to one of my girlfriends who went with him and she invited me along. I really wanted to go, as much for the quiz as to see him, but I knew it was wrong.
I eventually decided not to go, but she must have told him, because he messaged me.
hi, hope you're doing well,
I heard through Safiya that you were thinking of coming to the pub quiz earlier tonight but then you went to A&E (hope you're okay and that its some other drunken idiot) - would've been a bit awkward without telling me at all but at the same time it might have been fun. Basically tomorrow 'FLAT 1' are having a pancake thingy and I saw you might be attending, would you let me know if you are (or let them know so they can let me know)? I still have feelings for you and I grappled so hard with the decision to send you/ not send you a valentines card for Thursday (its hard enough sending this message) but all I was going to say was that I'm sorry for how it ended and that uni/ life really sucks without you. I miss you so much and I'm still in love with you. So it would be really hard for me to see you again.
Adam B.
As I read it, after freaking out for about an hour, I felt my heart melt. It sounded just like the guy I used to have feelings for. But then I started to read between the lines. He mentioned Valentines Day, but he already had plans to sleep with Chloe. How could he lie so easily!? Then I remembered that that had been a repeating pattern throughout our relationship. I tried hard to not let it affect me, but I hated what he was trying to do to me. How could he think I could go through all that pain again? All the hurt is hard to remember when I'm feeling good, but I know that there were times when I was suicidal. That is not something I will forget in a hurry, even when times are improving.
I couldn't sleep at all last night after the message. I stayed awake for hours before managing to catch around two hours of sleep as I had to be up for a 9am class. I went to my class and then headed to the library. At around a quarter to 1 I decided to get lunch. As much as I wish it was just an innocent idea, I knew he had a class at 1 so he was likely to be walking towards university at the same time. I hoped I would run into him, just because I wanted to see what his reaction would be.
I had almost reached Sainsburys and realised that I would not run into him - he had a date planned with Chloe this morning anyway so I guessed he was probably still with her. But as I reached the drinks section, I saw him. Neither of us knew what to do. We both made eye-contact then looked away. I walked a few steps ahead and he turned out and reached out to stop me.
"Did you read my message?"
"Huh?"
"My message, did you see it?" He asked again.
"Erm no."
"Well you should. But I will tell you what I said anyway. I just hoped you were okay. I heard you went to A&E. How are you?"
"I'm fine."
"Okay. And I wanted to know if you were going to the pancake party thing tonight?"
"I don't know. Are you going?"
"Well it depends. But I probably won't go."
"Okay."
"Do you want to grab lunch?"
"Erm..." I was silent. Yes, I wanted to have lunch with him. I wanted to joke around, have a laugh. But I was not going through all that crap again.
"That's a no. Okay, that's fine."
We left the superstore separately.
I headed to the library lunch area and I saw him walk past. He looked the same. He was wearing that horrible brown coat I hated, but I liked his new haircut. He hadn't changed. The same smile, the same arrogance. And I missed him like hell. My day seemed so much better just because I had seen him.
Soon afterwards, I felt a tap on my shoulder and he was standing behind me.
"You should read my message, you know." He said.
"Why, Adam?"
"Because I want you to. I think you'll like it."
"I don't know."
"Okay, well I think you should. How are you, anyway? How's life?"
"Life is amazing." I smiled. It was easy enough to lie to him, "It's really really good."
"Good."
"Yes."
"Well, read my message. I have the same number. Do you? Do you have the same number?"
I hesitated. He thought I had changed my number.
"Yes, I do." I hoped I wasn't giving him an invitation to contact me.
"Oh right. It was.." He recited my phone number just to prove he still remembered it.
"Oh whatever." I said, but I smiled.
He walked away and I returned to my lunch, still smiling.
I realised that it was him who made my day a million times better. I was losing that by letting him go, but I knew it had to be done, because it was also him who had hurt me more in a few weeks than I had been hurt my entire life.
In the evening I decided that I would go to the party at the mutual friend's place. I wanted to see him, but I didn't know for sure if he would be there. I spent a lot longer getting ready and made sure I looked good before I left. I asked one of my close friends to come along for emotional support.
I reached, full of anticipation. He wasn't there.
I asked my friend who was hosting the party why he hadn't come and she said he didn't give a reason. He just said he didn't feel like coming. I knew it was because of me.
The party was good and everyone enjoyed themselves, but I wished he had been there. I wanted him to see me and to miss me. I wanted him to want me back, but I also want to be over him.
I still haven't told him I have seen his message. I don't know if he's waiting to hear from me or he's just given up on me and is dreaming about his next one-night-stand. But I am determined that this will NOT be the beginning of another cycle of hell. I will got go through all that crap again, round and round the same scenes, conversations and fights - I have had enough for a lifetime.
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