But the biggest illusion of my life was to my ex-boyfriend, Adam. I had built up a completely different person to present to him - we both did - and I think that contributed a lot to the failure of the relationship. The law of attraction suggests that we gravitate towards people with a similar mind-set and neither of us thought it was enough to just be ourselves.
I lied about having been a relationship before - he was my first boyfriend, the first guy I kissed, the first guy I even held hands with! But he never found out. As far as he knew, I had had many relationships before him, with the most recent two being 'Harry' and 'David' and I had slept with many guys over that period of time too. I can still recall, word for word, what he once said,
"I know you've slept with David. And I also know that he was not the first."
I once told him, a few weeks into our relationship, that I hadn't slept with anyone before. He believed me and was thrilled to hear it! And later on, soon after we had broken up, I wanted to come clean about everything and told him that I had lied to him about something.
He said, "Yes I know, and I also know what it is about."
At the time I suspected that he had finally realised that I had not been in a relationship before, but later he made it explicitly clear that he knew I had lied about being a virgin.
Today I was thinking about when or whether I would ever tell him the truth. After we graduate? In ten years? On my deathbed (would I even know him then!?)? A part of me is tempted to tell him now, but I don't know how he will react, who he will tell and if he would even believe me. I'm just tempted from time to time to go up to him and tell him everything, but what would it change? I would just have given him the power of knowledge to try, if he wanted to, to come knocking at my door again. I also need to do everything for the right reasons. At this point, I think I want to tell him the truth because:
- I want to 'clear my name'
- Give him the opportunity to rethink his behaviour of treating me, at times, like a total slut
- Make him regret his assumptions?
- I am hoping he will come grovelling to me to take him back
- I want drama?
Honestly, when I started typing these out I immediately knew how foolish I was being. Clear my name? Why should it matter what he thinks? And most importantly, let's say he doesn't believe me, then do I continue trying and proving it to him - giving him evidence to call the jury in?
Number 2 and 3 are about making him regret his thoughts and actions. But that is not my responsibility. Nor is it right for me to try to play games with him and hurt him. I need to focus on me and this is distracting me from moving on.
Number 4 - did I really just write that?? I can't believe that I want him to grovel to me again. He has done so enough times and I have fallen for it enough times. There is definitely a limit as to how many times you can go through the same painful cycle before you either totally burn out, or at best, derail the entire recovery thus far.
I think number 5 is a weak attempt at justifying my thoughts further. There were times when I enjoyed the drama with him - not the painful type of drama, but debates, discussions about the meaning of life or our future. I miss that part of friendship, which I don't have with anyone else yet. YET.
A part of me is convinced that I will never talk to him again. Maybe we will say "Congratulations" to each other at graduation - if we both make it that far - or bump into each other and say "Sorry" before realising who it was. It hurts to think that I lost a friend, but then I remember that friends don't cause you pain. If you are going through a similar situation, I think it is important to define friendship or what you would expect from a friend and then see if they fit the bill. If not, then you can't stay friends with them.
I used to scorn at magazines and books which fed the idea that you can never be friends with your ex. That was NOT going to be me, I would insist in my head. But now I see why. Unless the relationship ended amicably, where it was a mutual decision and the other person had treated you with love, care and respect during your time together then perhaps friendship is possible in the future, but there are two important points here:
- You need time - even if it was all rainbows and sunshine, the relationship has come to an end and you both need time to recover before you consider friendship
- If they did not treat you well in the relationship - there is NO way they will treat you well outside. It is a fruitless fantasy to imagine a lasting friendship and thou shalt not do so
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