Deal-breakers

Early on in my relationship with Adam I noticed things which left a niggling feeling in my mind for a few days afterwards and then I conveniently forgot about them. I felt that it wasn't important to focus on them because of all the good things me and him had going.

But, today I have decided that for a better future, I need to have a clearer idea of what I want and what I will accept/not accept in a relationship. What are my deal breakers?

Firstly, I want to clarify what deal breakers are. These are basic boundaries which you should set in place for a relationship and when any of these are broken, you need to carefully assess the situation and be willing to walk out on the deal rather than face prospective emotional bankruptcy.

I think my main one, probably from the recent experience, is lying, cheating and breaking promises.

Adam broke many promises from the beginning of our relationship. Before we started going out and I asked him to promise that he wouldn't kiss me when we were together and I was tipsy or too tired to be fully aware of what was going on, he would readily promise and then break his promise. At the time it would be annoyed, but took it in a amusing manner. Afterwards, it became a joke that Adam could never keep a promise and whenever he would promise something I would always say, "Oh, like that time when you promised... or another time when you said..." and we would joke about his lack of respect for the word 'promise'.

What I should have realised then was that promises are an extension of trust. How could I expect someone who couldn't keep his word to give me the belief to have a fulfilling relationship with me?

I was blinded by lust, by my attraction to him and by his persistence. He kept coming back to me no matter what reaction I gave him. On days when I was upset, he would simply disappear and then come back in a few hours saying that he felt 'sick' seeing how upset I was. He had the tendency to leave at the worst times, or not care when I was upset until after I felt better.

I want this experience to become a valuable lesson and for this I need to learn from my mistakes and assess where I went wrong, so I can have a better relationship in the future. As I have previously stated in another post, there were signs of lying about his interaction with girls from the beginning, for example the New Years Eve incident when he said he hadn't kissed anyone, but then later said he had kissed two girls. I believed his story, when this should have set alarm bells ringing.

The lesson here is that we need to stay true to our beliefs about what makes a good relationship and trust is top of the list. I refuse to compromise on this point. Trust doesn't come with a refill - you lose it once, you lose it forever.

So, for me, the deal-breakers are:

1. Cheating
2. Lying
3. Abuse - mental or physical
4. Lack of communication/emotional availability
5. Inability to plan for the future with me - if you cannot bear to see a future with me, you don't deserve another second of my present

These are the main points that I will look for when I next enter a relationship and the guy will only get one shot at each. I made the grave mistake of going back to Adam after he cheated, hoping he would change, when I should have walked out in a blaze of glory and never looked back.