Lonely

Yesterday I posted about finally realising that it just wasn't meant to be, so today I feel like I have lied to myself and started to push through recovery way too early. But I know that this pain is just part of the healing process. I have spent the entire day today sitting in front of my laptop with my university textbooks and notes and just staring into space or drifting off into my memories.

I have been unable to do any work which scares me because my exams are only a week away and I need to submit a report to my academic advisor regarding my progress with my modules as he was worried about the progress I was not making last term.

I guess I'm going to have days like this when I just want to text him and tell him I love him (even though I realised yesterday that I didn't) and see how he reacts - if he does. A part of me wishes he hadn't stopped trying for me, while the other part is thankful for the forced opportunity to move on and get started on something new.

I just feel so so lonely and unwanted right now that I would even consider self-harm. I think the physical pain would help me deal with the emotional burden I have. Would I cut myself? I don't know yet, but I feel like I've already imposed so much on my friends that it would be unfair to them for me to continue. I just don't know what to do.

Many people and websites have told me that I need to keep myself busy and focus on getting happy again, but this seems so hard as I just don't feel happy at all. I didn't quite appreciate how nice it was to have my aunt, uncle and younger cousins around when they were here, and now I feel deserted.

I can't even reach out and call any of my friends because I don't think there's anyone there who cares enough about me to keep giving me their time continuously and how long would it be before I just can't deal with it by being strong and give-up?

Today I got a call from my counsellor to book my next appointment and it is booked for the 23rd of January which seems too far away for any use. I feel like I couldn't hold on, yet I can't get the best out of each counselling session because they never coincide with times when I'm feeling most depressed and down.

I'm sure that Adam is out again tonight or is with his new girlfriend - whether that is Jemma or Alice or someone else. He's happy. I don't understand why that makes me even more angry and upset. I shouldn't care about his feelings, I should focus on mine, right? But though I feel strong most days now, today has just been awfully painful and lonely.

I wish there was someone here. Willing to give up all their time for me.