After spending the weekend in tears and dwelling over the fact that the so-called 'recovery' I was making had completely stalled, it was too much for me to handle and I, once again, decided that I was worthless.
I have been reading up on a lot of relationship blogs and getting advice from as many people as possible, including a therapist, and all of them keep bringing up the idea of self-worth. For those new to the idea, like yours truly, let me provide you with a quick definition. Self worth is your perception of what you deserve. It may relate to the love you feel you should be given, the career you should have, or even the bullshit you are willing to accept.
Self-worth sets boundaries.
Except, I don't have any. I have felt useless for the past ten years of my life. What coincided with this? I moved to the UK. Firstly, I should state that it was merely the timing and the people I met here that led to a less-than-fulfilling relationship with myself. I have since met many inspiring people too, who have genuinely picked me up in my times of need and who have given me my little bit of confidence.
But, moving to the UK was a great shock for a ten year old girl who had previously lived in a upper-class bubble. I was enrolled at the local state primary school (after having been privately educated until then) and the variety of children who I came into contact with ranged from illegal immigrants to children whose parents were serving prison sentences.
I was academically very capable and outshone all the other kids, but socially, I never fitted in well. I was too polite and way too much of a 'teacher's pet'. In India we were taught to treat teachers as the Masters of the Universe and the habit had been instilled deep into me. Even today, I have utmost respect for all teachers and can never consider them as 'friends'.
I was bullied (yes, the typical cliché) at primary school and I think that set a deep fear of being socially awkward into me.
[I have discovered, since then, that the girl who bullied me went on to drop out of school at 16 when she became pregnant and was abandoned by her baby's father. She's now living at home with her parents and millions of siblings. Karma huh?]
When I entered secondary school, the trend continued. I was the nerdy kid who got the most credits and who never really mixed with the popular kids. I became close friends with a girl called Freddie and spent all my time with her. I barely spoke to anyone else.
Then Freddie complained to a teacher that I was bullying her. I cried for days. Suddenly, I had no friends. Thinking about this seems eerily familiar - I got close to one person and just dumped all my love on them, cutting everyone else out of my life (didn't I do the same thing with Adam?). I eventually recovered and started making friends again. But that was the last time I ever let anyone see the real me. Freddie and I eventually became friends again in Year 10 and I am still in touch with her, but I have lost all the love and respect for her. In many ways she's now just another Facebook friend.
Later on I became friends with many girls, one of whom I think was probably responsible for a lot of my pain during high school simply because she said hurtful things without realising their impact. Her name was Priyanka. She was keen to be popular and desperate enough to not care how. Yet I clung onto her friendship and made sure she never thought badly of me, no matter what she thought of everyone else. I would always side with her on every argument and try to pacify things between her and whoever she had managed to upset.
I am still in touch with her, but at the start of 2013 I decided that it was time to cut-off toxic friendships, and she is one of them. She doesn't make me feel better in any way and I feel inferior when I'm around her. Today I saw this quote:
and it made me realise that I want to spend more of my precious time forging new relationships and making new connections rather than wasting my effort and love on those who don't deserve it. So should you.
Then I was about to start sixth-form. I decided that enough was enough and I didn't want to be stuck in the poor quality education and environment offered at my local comprehensive and applied for grammar schools. I got offers from every single school I applied to. I chose the best one (which was an hour and a half, and three modes of public transport away) and started in September 2009. Most of the girls knew each other already and I had managed to make a bad impression by not having the right clothes, the right look and the outward 'fun' factor - I was shy.
A few months later, I had made some friendships, but they were poor and I felt lonely. I was always chosen last on the sports teams, I couldn't connect with the teachers and my work wasn't as good as it had previously been. Then there was an untimely incident with the debate team.
I had applied to the debate club and we had randomly been allocated into teams of three. I was put in a team with a girl called Clementine and another called Florence. Both were popular, pretty and extroverted. They were also best friends with a third girl called Emily - who had been put into a different team. I was already feeling low, but thought this might be a good way of getting into the 'right group' and setting a better status-quo. However, a few days later, Emily asked if I would be willing to swap teams as "Flo feels that she just doesn't know you well enough to be mean to you." That was the incident that killed my will to keep pushing on and I wanted out.
I left the school on 19th November 2009, swallowed my pride and returned to my old school. I was welcomed back by some, scorned at by others and laughed at by many. I didn't let it deter me as much and just hoped that I wouldn't end up regretting the move back. There were moment when I almost did, but there were times when I was really happy too. I was selected to be Deputy Head Girl and achieved A*A*AA in my A-levels. I also made new friends.
[Later, I found out that a few more of the new students - there were only 20 of us - who had joined the grammar school sixth form also dropped out and many of the others didn't do as well as they that believed and hoped they could].
However, by the time I was ready to start university, the constant knocks to my belied had left me broken and unwilling to commit to friendships. I was desperate to be popular, but too shy and too unsure to go for it. I always felt "unpretty" and any beautiful girl could tear me to pieces in a few moments.
When I was offered the undivided attention and admiration of a guy like Adam I felt that it was SO much more than what I deserved that I accepted it greedily. I was happy to make wished out of the crumbs he was offering. I wasn't having promises fulfilled and I was able to laugh them off.
My self-worth crashed even more when I found out I had been cheated on. It brought me to my knees and I felt (and still do many times) worthless and unable to have anyone in their right mind love me. I believe that a part of me still thinks that there would never be anyone willing to love me again, but I have spotted the cause. I don't believe in myself.
My aim for the next few months is to build that up again. To start believing that it is possible for me to look after and care for myself. I need to see that I deserve every happiness in the world, even if it means waiting for a little while.
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