The nightmare(s)

My friends always get slightly worried when I tell them about my nightmares or "what I dreamed about last night" scenarios. Apparently, it is rare for people to remember their dreams, but I can almost always recall mine vividly, sometimes even months later!

Last night I had two separate and pretty much unrelated nightmares.

The first was about my mom. I don't know why I dreamed this particular dream, but I think it might have been something to do with the Race for Life run that I am doing in June. I signed up for the 5-km run in support of Breast cancer awareness and I was worried yesterday about whether or not I'll be fit enough to actually do it.

So last night I dreamed that it was my mom who had cancer and who had barely a few hours left to live. I remember holding her hand and telling her I loved her and then I remembered that we had barely spoken for a few days because of some childish argument and I cried even more - how could I have wasted the last few days of our time together?

She was having trouble speaking to us and I wanted her to write me a letter. I think this is just a lot of subconscious stuff I've been storing up in my mind as letter writing to spill feelings is a recent 'thing' I have developed. Then I remember that me and my father left to go and get something from the supermarket (no idea what could possibly have been that urgent), leaving  my sister behind.

Once we arrive at the supermarket, I turn around and my sister is there too. I get angry and am about to shout at her for leaving mom alone when my phone goes off. It's a text from my mom.

"I'm having difficulty keeping going.."

I read it and we drop everything and rush back.

We are too late and she has already passed away. I cry and scream and shout at my sister, telling her that our mom had to spend her last few moments alone because she left! I feel like I am never going to be able to forgive myself for this.

The scene dissolves.

My next 'nightmare' would actually have been called a dream, had it occurred a year ago.

I dreamt that I was finding it difficult to cope with everything around me and the only person who I could reach out to was Adam. I then dreamt that I ended up at his flat for the night and told him that I'd spend the night with him 'one last time'. It's scary that this has actually happened in real-life - multiple times.

Then we get into bed and just lay there talking, laughing and joking and I tell him that I'm in love with him, but that we'll never be together. He teases me about finally being able to say it and then we fall asleep. When we wake up, the door suddenly opens and in bursts Adam's flatmate, James.

"Just thought I'd catch you two out!" He grins and a camera flashes.

I try to cover my face as I don't want anyone finding out, but then Adam stops me and James carries on taking photos saying he will tell everyone that we're finally back together.

I don't remember the aftermath, which is frustrating as I wonder what would have happened in that sort of a situation and want to consider how my other friends would have reacted.

The second 'nightmare' felt like a huge step back and for the first time in a while I woke up and Adam was the first thought in my mind. I am trying so hard to stop myself from thinking about him because it just takes up my time and achieved nothing constructive. I want to stop focusing on the past and a dream like this just sets my recovery back.

At the same time, I think it is important to realise that there will always be days when I don't do so well and those are the times when I have to continue fighting and believe that it will get better in the end.