Time for friendship?

I had been questioning whether or not to meet up with Adam now that exams are up. It had been over 6 months since I last contacted him and I felt like this was the only time that I could play the friendship card without it having any serious repercussions.

I had cheerleading practice last Thursday and I knew that it was close to where he lived.

At first I couldn't decide whether I would meet up with him, but as the practice carried on, I knew I had to meet him and that I would do it that day.

I finished practice - I looked sweaty. I was in gym clothes and my hair was awful, but I decided that it was time for me to meet him.

So I called his landline.

"Hello"

"Hi, is this Adam?"

"Yes this is. Who is this?"

"This is Asha."

"Oh wow. Wow. Erm.. could you hold on one moment?"

I heard him swearing at someone and yelling at them to shut the door.

"Hi. How are you?"

"Hey. I'm fine. Are you in London?"

Stupid me. I asked the question - completely forgetting that I was calling him on his landline!

"Yes I am. Are you? Are you in London?"

"Yes I am," I replied, "I was wondering if you were free for a few minutes? I am in the area and I was wondering if I could meet you?"

"I'm free. Well I'm about to go out with a few friends in a little while, but I'm free now."

"Okay. If you're going out, then it's okay, we don't have to meet. It's okay!"

"No, Amy. Don't do this."

"Seriously, Adam. It's okay."

"Amy. Amy, I'm begging you as a human being. Don't do this. I will meet you, where are you?"

"I'm not sure exactly where I am right now, but I can walk to the station near your flat if you want?"

"Okay, how long will it take you to get there?"

"About 15 or 20 minutes, but if you're going out, we don't have to meet."

"We're meeting."

"I'll only need 2 minutes max of your time."

"Call me when you get there on my phone, okay?"

"I don't have your number any more."

He recited his number. Our mobile numbers are very similar, so he tried to tell me how I could remember his.

"Erm I can't remember that."

"Okay Amy then just call me on the landline and I'll meet you in 5 minutes after that."

"Sure."

I put the phone down and started walking, thinking about what the hell I was doing. I couldn't believe I had just called him and asked to meet. And ofcourse he was going out. He was probably going to be sleeping with a new girl today. That hurt to think about.

I tried to make myself look a bit more presentable, but it was pointless. I should have thought about that before we agreed to meet.

I arrived near his flat and called him.

"Hey. I'm here."

"Okay, I'm just coming."

I waited for around 10 minutes and then he turned up.

He looked ridiculous. He was wearing a denim shirt and denim trousers with the black shoes I had hated.

He also looked awkward in my company.

"Hi"

"Hi. So, what did you have to say?"

"Erm, now this is going to sound so awkward in person. But... well, I don't want us to be enemies."

"I didn't realise we were enemies."

"Okay. Well we were sort of enemies. But I don't want us to be."

"Amy, if I see you around, I'm always going to say hi and ask how you're doing."

"So you're saying you didn't see me on the day of Macro?"

Macroeconomics was our last exam and it was completely ruined because I had run into Adam just before the exam and he was given me a filthy look. I was paralysed for the first hour of the exam and couldn't write anything. At the end of the exam he had practically sprinted out of the room, before I had had a chance to see him.

"No, I didn't see you. But I guess you must have seen me."

"Yes I did. And you're lying about not seeing me, right?"

"Well I'm sort of lying.. but.."

I was mildly surprised. I knew he was liar and it wasn't something he would change easily. We then joked about how his exams went and that he saw me listening to Shania Twain's song and no 20 year old should be listening to that song.

"Amy, the one thing I never lied about is that I am in love with you. I never lied about that.."

"Adam, I don't want to hear it. I said I would just take up 2 minutes of your time and I have said what I wanted to say."

"No, you need to hear this. I never stopped loving you and I have missed you like crazy over the past few months. I am so sorry about how it ended."

"It's okay, Adam. It was a long time ago. It doesn't matter anymore."

"It might seem like a long time ago to you, but not for me. I still love you."

I didn't know what to do or what to say. I half expected this to happen, but a part of me hoped that he would have the decency to extend the hand of friendship.

"Let me hug you."

"No, Adam. Don't touch me."

He grabbed me and I fought against him. I knew that if I let him hold me, it would be harder for me to walk away. I could never resist his touch. He eventually stopped and let me go.

"Amy, don't end like this. I realised when we were breaking up that I can't be friends with you."

"Well we don't have to be friends. I just want us to be non-enemies."

"If this is how you're going to end it..."

"Adam, I didn't want to take up more than a few minutes of your time and I have said what I wanted to say."

"Well let me use up some of your time too. I've given up an hour of my time to meet you."

I was shocked. We had barely been talking for 15 minutes and he was the one who had said he would meet me, even when I had said that if he didn't want to, he didn't have to.

"Don't you dare put this on me." I started.

"Amy, stop. Just let me hold you."

"No, Adam! Why are you doing this?"

"Amy I know you haven't found a guy who treats you as well as I did or who is as lame as me."

I smiled sarcastically. I couldn't believe his cheek. He CHEATED on me! Did he think that I wouldn't find another guy who would treat me a bit better than that?

"What makes you think I want a lame guy?!"

"True.."

"Adam, I have to go."

"Amy, if you're going to end it like this, then.. bye."

"Bye."

I left and walked towards the bus stop. I expected him to come after me, but he didn't. That's when I knew that friendship between us would never work out. We would never be the people we used to be. He changed. He would never be the person I had imagined he was.

The counsellor I was seeing at university asked me, "Do you really believe that you are that powerful? Do you really believe you are powerful enough to change someone?"

And she's right. I am not powerful enough to change him. He is who he is. He would never change for me because he can't. He doesn't want to and it is beyond his will.

It hurts to know that we can never have the friendship back, but I know that this also means that I have to eventually stop trying. I need to stop holding on to the hope that one day everything will be fine.