Learning to forgive

I was recently just thinking about something which I had told Adam a few weeks before I actually cut contact.

I had decided to walk away and told him "Have a nice life." It was an odd thing to say. Something you might throw at someone when you have had a minor argument or as a sarcastic reaction to something silly they might have said.

But today I realise the finality of it. Many times following a run-into him over the past few months I have made up my mind and decided that I will probably never see him again. Or if I do, it will be for a fleeting moment at graduation or something.

I think it is important to understand these words. I need to notice that I wanted him to have fun and enjoy his life. I just didn't want to be a part of it. I need to let go of the hurt and just forgive him for his mistakes. He is not necessarily a bad guy. He just didn't care about how I may have felt. He was being selfish, perhaps unintentionally.

More importantly, forgiveness means I find the strength in myself to move-on by realising it wasn't about me. It was about him. His insecurities and his need for attention drove him to cheating. It had nothing whatsoever to do with my flaws. I find it easy enough to write this down, but even as I type, I am thinking "What a lie. If I hadn't done that... or done this.."

But I am hooked onto revenge at the moment. I want him to desperately feel the pain and not be happy in his life. That's so wrong. I shouldn't care what he's moved on to because I should spend that time on me. I have so much work to do, so many things to fit in, that the time I am wasting on him simply isn't worth it.