Failing University

I have spent the last 5 hours attempting my finance homework and failed to get past the first question.

Instead of breezing through the work, like I expected, I have spent more time day-dreaming about Adam and wondering how he is and what eventually happened with his love life. A part of me is tempted to log back onto Facebook and try to get as much info about who he is now.

Yesterday I had an exam and it didn't go well. I couldn't focus and felt sick every time because I was spending almost 24 hours a day with Adam during the last exam session. We revised together, ate together and spent every free moment with each other. Seems like a lifetime ago. Sometimes I can't quite believe how far we've both gone. Too far to go back.

I was also half-hoping and half-dreading running into him yesterday - my first day back at university. I spent longer than usual getting ready because I wanted him to see me and regret what he gave up - I still wanted him to want me.

But today I am more worried about passing university. The whole relationship problems have taken their toll and I am struggling to find the energy and motivation to focus. My friends have told me that "You can't afford to fail." and they're right - it's just about putting those words into action. I have chosen to do the hardest five courses the Economics department offers (the decision was made before the dreaded post-relationship blues) and now I guess I am too proud to let it go.

I'm sure there are other people out there, some of my friends even, who are in the same position. Perhaps they are struggling while trying to balance work after a loss in the family or recovering after an illness and I think the only way to make it through it so take it one day at a time and treat every new day as a new chance.

Last term I failed almost all my problem sets, scoring <40% on most. For a previously straight-A student this feels like I'm watching my life derail in front of my eyes, but I need to keep pushing. When you're at the bottom, you can only go up.

I hope I do. And if this sounds familiar, I hope you do too.

The End of an era

It is the last day of the year that mankind was not supposed to survive.

I have learnt so much over the past year. I have failed at many points but I have also achieved many of my dreams. I have a lot to be thankful for and I have even bigger dreams for the year ahead.

2012 has been such an incredible journey and I wanted to take a few moments to list (yes, those again!) the situations I have learnt the most from:

1. University Conference: As the President of the university conference I learnt a lot about how to manage my team, learn from mistakes and think on my feet. I am so grateful that I learnt this now rather than later
2. A cheating boyfriend: As I have shown in my past posts, this has been an experience that I never wanted to have, but it has made me so much stronger as a person and given me the ability to prioritise myself. I have also learnt about what it takes to make a relationship work and exactly what I want from a guy
3. Job applications: I was extremely lucky with my applications for internships in Easter. I learnt what works in an interview, and how to make sure I stay ahead of the competition. My roommate, Britney, refers to me as a CBT - a Cut-Throat Bitch - in the world of business and I am happy that I learnt this skill early!
4. Trusting people: this is related to number 2 (above) but having been through that I finally learnt to let friends in and trust people again. It has been such a long time since I trusted people and I would just hold all my thoughts and emotions in
5. Health: I have a new found urgency to improve my health. I want to gain weight drastically as I have lost so much over the past year and I realise that I am making myself ill which will affect my performance in every part of my life

These were the main lessons that 2012 taught me and I am a different person today than I was at the start of the year.

I still remember my wish at the beginning of the year. I wished for "A year better than the last" and I didn't get it. But instead I got "A better person today than last year" and I definitely think I traded up.

Letter to a cheating ex-boyfriend

To Adam,

I know exactly what I want to say, but I don't know where to start.

I should probably tell you that I have absolutely no regrets about the way we ended. I wanted to keep going back to you again and again, but I finally realised that there was no space for me in your life. The only thing which I should have done differently is to not take so long to make a decision. I should have given up on you earlier and moved on. I have regrets about the year I wasted with you when I could have given someone better the opportunity instead.

I gave you chance after chance to prove that you really did love me and you couldn't do it. I don't think you even wanted to, which makes moving on that little bit easier because I know that it wasn't me who gave up on 'us', but you. All I wanted was for you to show me that I was the only girl in your world, but how could you when I was one of the eight or so girls you kept as possible options.

I kept waiting day and night for you to come and get me and whisk me off my feet, but I guess the Prince Charming I was hoping for simply didn't exist inside Adam Bankson.

You kept accusing me of not caring about you and not 'wanting' you. Didn't it occur to you that I would never have given you another chance, once I found out you were cheating, if I didn't care and didn't want to be with you? I kept coming back because I knew we were special. But you needed to prove yourself to me before you deserved to hear me say it. In the end, you didn't deserve to be 'wanted' anyway.

You had every chance of getting me back until you moved on with Jemma. I promised myself that the day you moved on with another girl, I would never look back. And I have too much self-respect for myself and for my heart to go through it again. So I'm never coming back to you.

I also realised that you were always scared of people leaving you and never coming back, but they don't. You push them away. You treat them so badly that they realise their lives are better off with you gone. Your childhood best-friend did and I know I did. Other people will too. Because I don't think you are capable of loving people and hence being loved in return. What happened to you?

It took me too long to wake up from the daze and notice that life was passing me by while I was wasting my time hoping we could make it work. I kept giving you chances which it was obvious you were not going to take. People kept telling me that I deserve so much better, but it took a random person saying "we accept the love we think we deserve" to realise that I was accepting what you were willing to give me just because I was scared that there would never be anything better out there.

I think you will be the one looking back in ten years time thinking that you should have given it more because I was the best  thing you've ever had and ever will have. I don't think any one gets you as I did and as you said, I left behind a hole in your heart - an Amy-shaped hole that no other girl will ever fill perfectly. Because every time she will say something, you will think about what I would have said. She won't touch you the way I did or just 'get' how you were feeling about something.

Do you remember that song you sent me once? "His Mistakes" by Usher? It was all about how you didn't want to pay for the mistakes other guys made with me. You didn't want to feel guilty and not be trusted because I had been hurt before. Well, Adam, you're paying for your own mistakes, not "his". You cheated on me and all you will ever be to me now, is a cheat. I don't remember the 'good' you as much because everything he did was overshadowed by the chance he took with another girl while in a relationship with me.

I also can't believe how much you lied to me. You told me you were adopted. Do you know how low that is? You stooped low enough to make accusations against your own parents. Being adopted is a serious thing and you tried to use the fact that one of my friends knew someone who had been adopted to encourage her to persuade me to give you another chance. You are selfish enough to only think about what you wanted and not how hurt she must have been to know that you lied to her to get her sympathy.

I'm not angry at you anymore and I no longer hate you. I pity you. I feel sorry that you lost me and that your fears about losing the ones you care about came true. I genuinely hope you find the girl you're looking for and you treat her well because every girl deserves to be treated like a queen, not like a girl on the side.

You should also know that you were the first guy I let myself get close to and I started trusting. You played me well, boy, but I learnt the biggest lesson of my life with you, so I'm grateful. I believe that we meet every person for a reason; they are either a blessing or a lesson. You were a lesson I'm glad I learnt early. I'm so much stronger now. I didn't think I would make it without you because you were such a big part of my life. I still think about you every second of every day but I'm not hurting and I'm so over wanting you.

I still believe in true love and the fairytale ending. I want to say 'I love you' to one person in my life - I know you think I've said it before, but I haven't - and I'm glad I didn't waste those perfect words on you.

We'll never see each other after graduation. I know that and I doubt we will ever talk again before that. I wanted to stay friends, but you weren't willing to give me that. Again, you gave up on the possibility of having each other in our lives, so I have no regrets. I tried my best. In the future, I'll think about you now and then and wonder where you are, what you are doing and who you are loving, but I wouldn't care because I will know that my place in ten years time is exactly where I belong because I will be happy.

I want to go out into the world with big dreams and I know now that you only wanted to hold me back. Remember how angry you were when I did better in my exams than expected? I want the support to follow my ambitions, not the pain of seeing them disappear.

I cried for you too much and for too long. I watched my other relationships deteriorate, but I also found friends I didn't know were there for me. I saw people hold out their arms to help me get through the pain you were forcing on me and I learnt to trust people again.

My heart will never be the same and I don't know how long it will take me to trust another guy, but I know that I will get there one day. I have tested myself so much over the past few months and I started to notice that I didn't need a guy in my life to be happy. It is no-one else's responsibility to love me, it is mine. Being single brings me the freedom to do what I want to without being concerned about what you will think about it. I remember turning down invitations to go see a film with male friends because I was worried you wouldn't be happy about it, but then I remember that you went out for films with girls all the time.

I put my happiness on hold in the short-term with the hope of finding the type of happiness that will last forever when we decided to make our relationship last forever. But I'm slowly learning to be happy and to love again. I'll eventually forget all about you.

I'll end by saying, thanks for the good times, but they weren't enough to make up for the hurt.

I'll always be the best you could have had,

Amy

Home for the holidays

I'm finally home for the holidays!

I felt extremely sick yesterday while moving out. This time last year I spent the night with Adam for the first time and I was missing him so much. He helped me move my suitcases down and we messed around trying to check every nook and cranny of my room to make sure I wasn't forgetting anything.

We both knew that we had something special. We had spent more time with each other than we had with anyone else except our family the entire term and we couldn't wait to be back together again.

This time it feels different.

I packed up alone. I left alone.

But it is so so so (I can't emphasise it enough) important that I use the next month to get over him completely. It's been a month since I last kissed him and spoke to him in person and I have even started forgetting all the good things about us. When I came home last night I threw away the rose he gave me before the summer and the chocolates he bought with a "It's a boy!" card. We laughed about how we should have a baby boy now and I found the joke really cute.

It's also a relief knowing that he is not in the same city as me. It makes the end feel stronger. He has his own life. We are really worlds apart.

I know he will have a lot of fun with a lot of girls over the break and I know that I won't try with any guys at all. But that actually makes me feel better somehow because if we had got back together then I would have spent the break paranoid about what he was doing. This way it is none of my business and he can't hurt me. Kind of provides proof that me and him would never have worked out.

I just have to be strong and carry on now. I have the opportunity to use this time well and benefit from it. I haven't checked his Facebook since Thursday either because I know there will be updates about his date with Jemma and I don't think I can handle it. I also don't need to know. He is not with me anymore. I need to completely move on. I have deactivated my own Facebook account so I don't feel tempted to go on his profile.

This is the first step. I need to keep walking forward.