I was just reading through the first letter I wrote to you and I realised that I had already learnt I could not go back to you so many weeks ago and yet I am still spending time thinking about the fact that you may yet change. What am I thinking!?
I want to tell you that I know what you're trying to do. You are trying to move on as quickly as possible to someone else and are hunting down any girl who would fall for you. Well it just isn't as simple as that. I tried the same thing. I tried to move on quickly after we broke up and ended up running into the arms of many guys who all wanted to be with me now that I was single - it's a shame you don't have that!
But I am slowly realising that their attention is only a temporary pill of happiness and satisfaction and until I learn to be happy on my own, I could never be happy with another guy. Guess you don't know that big secret. I was so hurt when you left that there were times when I couldn't see beyond the next day because I didn't think I could survive, but guess what? I have and I am so much stronger and wiser for that.
I told one of my friends recently that my next relationship would be so successful simply because I learnt all my lessons with you. I needed the experience that you gave me and I have decided to stop being the 'victim' in the story. This is my life, why should I let you be the main focus point?
I have barely told anyone outside university about our relationship which means that once I die, so does our relationship is the minds of everyone else - me and you would never have existed except for in your mind. I wished that you had seen me differently and seen how much I was willing to do for you, but you were too short-sighted to see anything beyond your own pain.
There were many many times when I needed someone there for me so much. Did you know that one of my friends passed away late last year? This was around the same time as we were fighting and I decided to break contact. I realised that you weren't going to be there for me in the future, so why go through the trouble of letting you know my past and present? I wanted to come clean about so many things about me. I wanted you to understand who I was by seeing where I came from and finding out all about my background, but you took away that chance when you decided not to prove yourself to me.
It's funny that the night I spent with you when you begged for us to get back together was the very same night that you messaged your friend in Imperial asking about that Sandra (was that her name?) girl and whether she liked you. Ooops I guess she didn't! Poor you, being unwanted by so many people. What happened now?
I think that when you were with me and you got attention from other girls over summer, it went to your head and you thought it would last. Didn't you? You thought that if all those girls wanted you, you could definitely do better.
But I agree with Sophia, our mutual friend, who said, "He can't do better than you."
Because, Adam, you can't.
I realised this because you once said to me "You think I can't get any other girls, that's probably why you chose me, because you thought I would be faithful."
I was so shocked! I hadn't even considered that to be the reason! I have had so many gorgeous guys approach me and I have turned them down. Not because I'm scared all the other girls want them, but because we just didn't connect. You have such poor self-esteem that you couldn't see that anyone could actually want you. I was the stupid one to think that I did.
I know I'm wanted. Not only by guys, but by friends and family. I am loved. You said you felt like an outcast in your own family and the thing is, you probably are. I can't quite put my finger on it, even after all this time, but it's like you just don't belong anywhere. I thought you belonged with me. Stupid me!
I'm trying very hard to forgive you nowadays because I don't think you knew what you were doing consciously. You were always the impulsive kind, and you never thought about the consequences. Now you're lying in the bed you made, boy. I feel sorry for you because you didn't know your own worth. You didn't realise that I liked you and wanted to be with you. And nothing I could have said or done would have changed that. I think even if I said "I love you" to you, it wouldn't have meant much because you had completely shut yourself off to the possibility of love from another human being.
I know I made a lot of mistakes with you. There were times when I made you feel worthless and I was worried about what "other people will think" but I am learning and I will improve. I've already started. I still miss our friendship just because you made me laugh and you listened to me. But I don't miss the way you treated me. I keep thinking about being friends with you again, but I won't attempt that until I am totally over you and I have forgiven you.
We've almost completed second year. Can you imagine that we have spent an entire term and only seen each other twice!? We used to spend every second of every day together last year. But you won't believe me when I say it has helped me make so many new friends and open myself up to more experiences. I have interacted with people and actively put myself out there!
I was so frustrated when you blocked me from your Facebook, and kept thinking "How Dare HE!?" but I think it wasn't about me. It was about you. You couldn't stand to see me having fun and enjoying my life. You couldn't stand to see me with our mutual friends and looking damn gorgeous (even if I do say so myself!). So you blocked me. Well I was childish enough to block you too. I wonder if you'll ever unblock me. Would you be tempted to? I'm not sure, but I think I shouldn't care at all! After all, would you care?
There are times when I just pity you. Because you deserve to be forgiven and pitied. Poor Adam, unable to find love after giving up on the best thing you had. Even if you find another girl, Adam, it will never be the same and I'm sure you know that. You know that she could never offer everything I did. How about you do the "by definition" test on her? Let's see if she notices that actually by definition is wrong! Then I suggest you just propose to her!
One of our mutual friends is getting married soon. I though we'd be the first! *cue laughter*
I think that if we had got married, you'd still have gone looking for something better because you weren't comfortable in the relation
But you should know one thing for sure. I'm moving on, eventually. I believe that it will get better in time. Time heals after all.
Have a nice life,
Amy
No comments:
Post a Comment