Today has been an awful day.
I have been literally sitting on my hands to avoid calling Adam as I miss him and I feel so so lonely. I have my 5 km race this afternoon and I realised that there is absolutely no one around to make me feel wanted. My so-called "Best Friend" who I had relied on so much over the past few months seems to have lost all interest in being friends with me and I just can't take any more rejection.
I feel like there is no one who I can reach out to and ask for a hug.
Maybe it is the fact that the weather is down and I am physically exhausted. I haven't been able to keep up with the gruelling training schedule I had planned for myself and it is starting to show. But I know that I have to finish this race. It means too much to me not to. I have to struggle through it because it is the first time I have taken something in my own hands and I feel the need to be better.
I have too much free time right now which means that I am simply wasting away the precious minutes that I thought I would have to enjoy.
Mack was also supposed to call me to arrange another date, but he hasn't. I don't know whether he is expecting me to make the first move or not, but he did explicitly say he will get in touch once his family has left (he was busy with them the whole of last week).
There is no other guy out there who could possibly make me feel loved right now, and that is why I keep wanting to get back with Adam. I know that I don't want a relationship with him, but I need the friendship back. I don't have that kind of friendship with anyone and that has left a gaping whole in my life.
Sometimes it gets so hard that I just can't breathe and I want to cry, yet tears refuse to come. I am stuck in a rut between hell and purgatory. I need to find myself, but all I have been doing is filling up my time so that I spend less time thinking about him, which just doesn't work, because an empty mind leaves too much space for pain.
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