And again

So I ran into Adam again last Friday.

It seems like he has timed his arrival perfectly to occur exactly as I am starting to get over him. I was heading back to the library after a lesson and threw myself down at a computer.

Just as I sat down I noticed him near the printer and absolutely freaked out.

He looked cute and more importantly he was here. He was close enough to reach/to talk to/ to kiss/ to hold.

But I pretended I hadn't seen him. We almost walked into each other twice and I started frantically texting Britney.

"He's here. He's here. He's here."

"Asha, Calm down."

"He's right here!"

Then I looked up and he was walking towards a seat behind me. Our eyes met and I blushed. He came over.

"Hi"

"Hi," I replied.

He looked at my screen, where Shania Twain's song, 'You're Still The One' was playing.

"Still listening to crappy music I see," He grinned.

I couldn't help smiling. He had always teased me about my taste in music.

"But to be honest, I do like Shania Twain. She's good. Anyway, how's life? How's everything going?" He asked.

"It's going good."

"Okay. Well I'll see you around."

"Okay."

And he walked off. I had an hour before my assignment was due in and I freaked out completely. All I had to do was see him and I couldn't stop shaking. I missed him so much, but I couldn't find the words or the time to tell him. I also didn't know if I even wanted to tell him.

I hadn't seen him in so long that it felt unnatural that this was the guy I had spent 24 hours a day this time last year.

I texted one of my friends (male) and asked him to come to the library as I really needed someone to talk to. He eventually came a few minutes later and I told him I needed a hug after freaking out over my ex-boyfriend. He obliged. Just as we were talking, Adam walked past in the distance. I'm not sure whether he saw us hugging, but later on as he was walking past once again, he gave me a dirty look and carried on walking.

It's mind-games all over again. First he comes over and makes a joke which he knows will hit home with me and then he tries to hurt me by giving me a horrible look. I think he may have assumed that me and the friend who had come to my rescue were in a relationship, but it doesn't give him the right to that kind of reaction. He's been a relationship with multiple girls.

He left the library soon afterwards. I couldn't focus and didn't manage to complete my assignment. That annoyed me more as I need to prioritise my work over him. Why does he continue being a distraction?

A broken friendship

A few days ago I had an argument with my roommate, Britney.

I had only become good friends with Britney this time last year and we had got along very well. I enjoyed her friendship and since we had started sharing rooms in October, we had developed a weird mind-reading connection as we knew each other so well.

But a few days ago it all broke down. I had known when I agreed to share a room with her that we would have loud arguments, but I also thought that we would become best friends. Then I started noticing just how immature and inconsiderate she could be. There would be times when she would delete my posts from her Facebook wall because it looked like I was the only one posting on her wall and she wanted it to be many people so she looked 'popular'.

She would also go on about how many likes a comment she made had got or if someone she didn't know well liked her picture. There were times when I would be crying because of Adam and she would make an insensitive joke. Or she would bring him up in conversations and say things like "I wish I get a boyfriend like Nick (one of our friends), not like Adam! That was unfortunate."

Or she'll give me empty threats to never advice me on anything saying "You don't listen to me anyway, so I refuse to say anything about your relationship or anything else."

She would also tell everyone how she loves them even after a few days of knowing the person and she would go on about every guy who looked her way. Often I would get mad when I would find out that she had told many of our mutual friends and some of her friends who I didn't know well about what had happened between me and Adam. Considering that I didn't want it to become common knowledge and for my pain to be spread all over campus, this hurt.

Eventually something had to give.

And it happened last week.

Britney had just got back from a weekend in Barcelona. She had gone there with two of her friends and she was excited and wanted to tell me all about it.

While she had been away I went on a date with Branton and on the day she was leaving I had told her that I was going on a date that night.

"And I care because...?" She had replied.

Taken aback, but knowing she was busy packing, I let it go.

She got back on Monday morning.

I found out that she was skyping with one of our mutual friends that night and she didn't tell me. By chance, I had also tried to arrange a skype date with the same friend, and she told me that her and Britney were speaking that night. Britney didn't mention it at all and I realised that she didn't want me to be involved.

I had meant to tell her all about my date. But I wanted her to ask. I had mentioned it that morning when we were both getting dressed and I wanted her to care enough to ask.

She didn't.

Then it was time for her skype chat and she started skyping. I was in a twist. Branton had asked me to meet up, but so had Mack and Brad. I was feeling overwhelmed from all the attention and just wanted to be left alone. And I needed to talk. So I invited my friend Sunny over. I needed advice and support and I really needed it at that moment.

Sunny came over immediately. I told her what had happened with Branton and showed her all the texts. Halfway through our conversation and discussion, Britney finished skyping. She then turned around and demanded to know what we were talking about. I said I would tell her later and it really was no big deal anyway. I felt like she didn't care and she wouldn't want to know.

Over the past few months, when ever I had come close to crying, I had simply left the room and gone to see Sunny or just gone for a walk. I felt like I was a constant distraction to her and I would be imposing myself on her as a burden. I didn't want that and I didn't want to have to 'owe' her anything. So I would just leave.

She continued to demand to know which guy I was talking about and I continued refusing. Eventually she got up and went to her desk, saying "I am not talking to you again."

I ignored her, knowing her tendency to make such empty threats. But this time she wanted to drag it on.

After Sunny left, I started telling Britney about the date.

"No, I don't want to hear anything."

"But, you did! And I was going to tell you once Sunny had left. Now she has, so I want to tell you."

"I don't care. I don't want to hear anything."

"I'm really sorry for ignoring you, but I was freaking out and I just really needed to talk and didn't want to explain it to you then."

"Mhmmm"

"Brit, it's true. You know I wouldn't hide anything from you!"

I continued apologising and she continued rebuffing my attempts until I gave up and left to go for a shower - at 2am in the morning.

When I returned I asked if she was ready to hear my side of the story yet. She said no. I decided that I would leave it for now and pursue this again tomorrow.

I couldn't sleep well and got up early. I had a 9am class to rush to, but I left behind a note saying I was sorry and I did trust her, but just wanted to tell her later. I had expected to receive a message saying she had seen it, but I didn't get any texts from her, and I didn't enquire. I knew we had to discuss it though, it was too difficult otherwise and I didn't want her to hold a grudge against me.

(to be continued)

The judgemental views

I recently started posting on a relationship website/blog after being a regular reader for the past few months and at first the advice/comments I received were kind, the mood soon turned sour and I got a few replies along the lines of "What the hell are you doing, you selfish cow?" without the explicit rudeness.

I was angry and upset and vowed never to post again, but I soon decided to look at it in another way. I was wrong. I WAS using the dates I had gone on for an ego-boost. I wanted the attention. Sure, the comments were wrong in assuming I let the guy pay - I paid half. But the essentials were the same, I was leading these guys on while knowing that I was not interested in pursuing a relationship with them because I was still hurting and still healing.

So I have made up my mind to tell Branton. I need to talk to him and clarify that I am not looking for a boyfriend but just a friend. Then I will see how it goes. If he really likes me he would be willing to be my friend and I would be happy. If not though, am I ready to lose the happiness he had brought into my life?

I'm not sure, but I know I can't keep dragging it on. It's not fair to him and it is not fair to me.

I don't know how to tell him, or when to tell him yet, but I know I need too. And soon.

Wasting time regretting

I realised a few weeks ago that every minute I wasted over regrets was a minute I was taking away from living my own life. But today I found a quote which perfectly describes what I meant.

My first date..ever

I talked about the Post break-up guy attempt 2, where a guy called Branton asked me out to dinner. I was excited about meeting up with him, but all I really wanted was to enjoy myself and hope that it went well.

But what I hadn't expected was my first proper date...ever.

While with Adam, I was never taken out to a nice restaurant (McDonalds is as fancy as it got for us) and he never really offered to pay for anything - eight months into the relationship and I still paid for 'my' half every time. I guess I didn't really miss being treated as much as I would have if I had known what it was like to feel special. Last Thursday Branton showed me.

I had finished late and rushed back to my Halls, having barely half an hour to get changed and get ready. I was considering changing my clothes, but didn't want to seem like I had tried too hard. I thought that it would be best to just stay in the clothes I had worn this morning so that he didn't think I had gone home just to change for him. But when one of my friends walked in as I was deliberating what to wear, she seemed aghast at me deciding to wear a very casual, vintage sports look t-shirt.

"I think you should perhaps change into something a little nicer," she suggested.

"I considered a dress, but I don't want to give him the wrong impression."

"NO dress! Not only is it -1 degrees outside, but that will definitely give him the wrong impression."

"Okay, how about this top?"

I held up a flowy sea-green top that was comfortable and clung onto my curves in the right places. Receiving her approval, I also put on an under-shirt as the top was slightly see-through and I wanted to be on my best 'friendly' behaviour.

"Make sure you give your best friend vibes."

"I will. I will ask him mid-way through dinner, 'Hey can you feel that? Those super friendly vibes'"? I winked at her.

We laughed and I continued getting ready. I hoped Branton wouldn't expect me to kiss him. I didn't want to.

I left and walked down to Covent Garden station.

I arrived at the station and texted him to let him know I was there. I was worried that he would ask me where I wanted to go and I really didn't want to be the one deciding. Not only because I barely knew the restaurants around the area, but also because I wanted to be with a guy who knew how to plan and act on them. After Adam, I needed a break from being the one who took all the initiative.

He texted me back soon afterwards saying he had also arrived.

He was still in the suit he had worn on the day and I was glad that I had changed into a nicer top, the sports top would not have been formal enough at all.

"Hi"

"Hi," I replied.

"I was trying to find you and couldn't see you!"

"I was just over there. And I was on time!"

We started walking and he led. It seemed like he had already decided where we were going to go. I was glad there had been none of the "What do you feel like doing?"

We arrived at Carluccio's. I was surprised. It was a very upscale Italian restaurant. And it was very romantic. I felt a bit uncomfortable too.

Branton had booked a table for us. I was really started to like this guy. He probably didn't even know. We were led upstairs by the waitress and she showed us to a table for two near the window. It was the best restaurant I had been to in a while.

We sat down and scanned the menu while we talked. I had expected the conversation to be awkward, but we seemed to have so much in common. I wished that I found him more physically attractive. He was a really nice guy, but until I felt the butterflies, I didn't feel like I could be with him as anything more than a friend.

The dinner was amazing and the conversation didn't stall. He made me laugh and even laughed at my poor attempts at humour. We were one of the last people to leave the restaurant and he paid for me. I have never had a guy pay for the entire dinner (with the exception of family members) and I was flattered. It really was my first proper date.

When we left he asked me how I was getting home. I said I was walking and he offered to walk back the way I was going. I accepted the offer. He walked me halfway and then I said I had to go the other way and he turned to me. I felt really awkward. I didn't know what to do.

"I had a really nice time tonight. Thanks." I said.

"Yes, so did I."

"Oh and do send me the link about Wicked, I want to see it." We had talked about my favourite musical, Wicked, and he had suggested I watch the last performance of one of the main characters.

"Ofcourse! Yes, I will."

We were silent for a split second and then I said "Bye, Branton." He returned the goodbye and I walked off. We didn't even shake hands or hug. I was pleased he hadn't tried anything.

He texted me before I even got back and asked to meet the following Thursday, telling me he had had a really good night. I didn't reply as I wasn't sure how I felt. I liked him, but as a friend. I enjoyed his company, but didn't want any romantic/physical relationship.

I guess I don't want him to be my rebound. He is a really nice guy and I know he could make me happy, but I want to find the right person for me, and I just don't feel like it's him and this time I am going to listen to my 'gut'. My 'inner voice'.

Crocodile tears

I have been thinking about why I was so unwilling to leave Adam. The moment he started crying my heart would open up and I would feel ashamed that I could ever contemplate leaving a guy who was obviously so in love with me that it made him cry (remember the Westlife song?).

Until today I never really doubted his tears. But today I seem to have noticed that they helped him get whatever he wanted. For example, just before summer, when our relationship first started showing cracks, I suggested we take a break for the summer and he started crying and questioned, "How can you do this to me, don't you know how much I love you?"

I was completely shaken and said that I didn't mean it seriously and it was just a suggestion, ofcourse we didn't have to take a break if he didn't feel like we should. There ended that conversation. Somewhere is his rather small head, it must have clicked that tears were the way forward.

It seems to have taken me a long time to realise that they were just crocodile tears. He was using my emotional vulnerability to try to get me to hold on and not let go of him. I simply believed them. But I have also learnt my lesson that emotions and what the person says is much less important than what they do. If they go hot and cold on me and their actions don't match their words, it is a clear sign that I can't have a fulfilling relationship with them.

I hope this is a lesson I won't forget soon and I won't fall for tears again. I need more than just being washed over with emotion.

The Hell Yes | Hell No Guide

I think there are often times when I wish I had a simple checklist/guide to follow when deciding whether or not to take a 'thing' with a guy further. I think it would just make the whole process so much easier if there was no 'grey' area and everything was either a hell yes or a hell no - if it isn't a hell yes, then it HAD to be a hell no. So here is my list which I think anyone can apply universally:

HELL YES

Hell yes to the man who...

• Calls you up all the time and asks how you are
• Wants to be with you in your future and is not scared of planning it with you
• Wants to protect you
• Worries if you're cold when you are out together and offers you his coat
• Keeps in touch and contacts you regularly
• Explains his actions
• Proves his love and provides evidence for his feelings
• Treats you unexpectedly
• Makes you laugh and 'gets' your sense of humour
• Appreciates your 'weird' quirks
• Tells you you're beautiful and means it
• Doesn't look at and doesn't try to make you jealous of other girls
• Sacrifices his own time to do the things you love
• Has dreams and ambitions
• Works hard
• Wants to provide for you
• Wants to show you off to all his friends

HELL NO

Hell no to the man who...

• Disappears mysteriously for days and doesn't offer a satisfactory reason
• Breaks his promises, no matter how small
• Starves you of attention to make you 'want him more'
• Jokes about your looks, religion, beliefs, interests
• Doesn't respect you
• Hits on other girls or compliments them continuously on their looks, while not telling you you're beautiful
• Says all the right things without backing them up
• Apologises but makes the same mistake repeatedly
• Ignores you in front of his friends
• Physically or emotionally hurts you - including mind games!
• Tries to make up for his lack of interest by buying you expensive gifts
• 'Forgets' things which are important to you 
• Cheats on you or is unfaithful to you

Would you add other things? Or perhaps remove some?