Crocodile tears

I have been thinking about why I was so unwilling to leave Adam. The moment he started crying my heart would open up and I would feel ashamed that I could ever contemplate leaving a guy who was obviously so in love with me that it made him cry (remember the Westlife song?).

Until today I never really doubted his tears. But today I seem to have noticed that they helped him get whatever he wanted. For example, just before summer, when our relationship first started showing cracks, I suggested we take a break for the summer and he started crying and questioned, "How can you do this to me, don't you know how much I love you?"

I was completely shaken and said that I didn't mean it seriously and it was just a suggestion, ofcourse we didn't have to take a break if he didn't feel like we should. There ended that conversation. Somewhere is his rather small head, it must have clicked that tears were the way forward.

It seems to have taken me a long time to realise that they were just crocodile tears. He was using my emotional vulnerability to try to get me to hold on and not let go of him. I simply believed them. But I have also learnt my lesson that emotions and what the person says is much less important than what they do. If they go hot and cold on me and their actions don't match their words, it is a clear sign that I can't have a fulfilling relationship with them.

I hope this is a lesson I won't forget soon and I won't fall for tears again. I need more than just being washed over with emotion.

The Hell Yes | Hell No Guide

I think there are often times when I wish I had a simple checklist/guide to follow when deciding whether or not to take a 'thing' with a guy further. I think it would just make the whole process so much easier if there was no 'grey' area and everything was either a hell yes or a hell no - if it isn't a hell yes, then it HAD to be a hell no. So here is my list which I think anyone can apply universally:

HELL YES

Hell yes to the man who...

• Calls you up all the time and asks how you are
• Wants to be with you in your future and is not scared of planning it with you
• Wants to protect you
• Worries if you're cold when you are out together and offers you his coat
• Keeps in touch and contacts you regularly
• Explains his actions
• Proves his love and provides evidence for his feelings
• Treats you unexpectedly
• Makes you laugh and 'gets' your sense of humour
• Appreciates your 'weird' quirks
• Tells you you're beautiful and means it
• Doesn't look at and doesn't try to make you jealous of other girls
• Sacrifices his own time to do the things you love
• Has dreams and ambitions
• Works hard
• Wants to provide for you
• Wants to show you off to all his friends

HELL NO

Hell no to the man who...

• Disappears mysteriously for days and doesn't offer a satisfactory reason
• Breaks his promises, no matter how small
• Starves you of attention to make you 'want him more'
• Jokes about your looks, religion, beliefs, interests
• Doesn't respect you
• Hits on other girls or compliments them continuously on their looks, while not telling you you're beautiful
• Says all the right things without backing them up
• Apologises but makes the same mistake repeatedly
• Ignores you in front of his friends
• Physically or emotionally hurts you - including mind games!
• Tries to make up for his lack of interest by buying you expensive gifts
• 'Forgets' things which are important to you 
• Cheats on you or is unfaithful to you

Would you add other things? Or perhaps remove some?

The day Valentine was slaughtered

My younger sister pointed out that we celebrate love on the day that St Valentine was martyred. Perhaps it is a play on the idea that we are all martyrs of love?

My Valentines Day started off depressingly normal, I left to go to the library at 9am and then had classes and lectures until 7pm in the evening. I had hoped that Adam would actually keep his word and surprise me with flowers or a card or something along those lines, but I was disappointed as usual.

At around 6pm I got several messages from my roommate, Britney, that Anna, our other roommate, had broken her ankle and was in the hospital, waiting to get operated on. I was in a lecture then, and said I would rush back a.s.a.p. after my lecture and head straight to the hospital, but was told that she couldn't have visitors yet.

At the end of the lecture, Branton asked me if I could help him pick out flowers for his mum, who he was meeting. I said yes and suggested a flower stall. We walked there together and spent some time arguing over the best colour of roses and the perfect bouquet. He bought one, thanked me, and we went our separate ways.

While walking back towards my Halls, it was sickening to see hoards of couples milling about, the women clutching flowers and cards and the men holding on tightly to their 2013 Valentine choice. Do people just wait until 14th Feb to celebrate love?

I arrived back home, and Britney said that we can go to the hospital now, so I dropped my bags and headed straight there. I was exhausted, but worried about Anna, she had seemed fine in the morning, but a broken ankle sounded really serious. We reached the hospital and after much ado, finally managed to track her down. She looked pale, but said she couldn't really feel any pain.

The attractive doctors kept all three of us roommates distracted as we made small talk, discussing what her parents wanted her to do (they lived in Spain and wanted her to fly back for the operation). We stayed at the hospital long enough to make sure Anna was comfortably settled and promised to come back in the morning with all the things she needed.

Me and Britney headed back to Halls, bemoaning our lack of 'love' on Valentines. We reached and decided to watch a romantic movie to at least lighten the mood. We watched Sandra Bullock's Two week's notice which was a dull and predictable movie, but it definitely got us more involved into the mood of the night. We both headed off the bed soon after, but I felt like I had made it.

I had been so worried about this day, for no reason. It seemed that everything I was scared of revolved around the idea of being alone, but it was just another day - why did it have to be such a big deal?

Post break up guy attempt 2

In December I wrote about the first 'approach' I had had following my split from Adam. A guy friend had told me that he wanted something more than friendship. Yesterday, it was guy attempt number 2.

I had recently become friends with Branton. He was introduced to me by a mutual friend and he was in all my lectures. He was a Chinese international student and had lived in the UK for a few years before starting at university. At first we just talked whenever we saw each other - random conversations about work, shopping, hobbies etc, but when I was running for the position of President of the Investment Society last Wednesday, I asked him to come and vote.

We exchanged numbers and he turned up. There was another guy who had offered to turn up and vote, but he didn't, so I didn't really expect Branton to, either.

I was happy to see him and the conversations were never awkward, which helped. But I was not at all physically attracted to him. He wasn't particularly good-looking and I couldn't ever imagine kissing him. I have noticed that a take a keen interest in lips now, and his didn't look smooth or kissable.

But yesterday he asked me out for dinner. And I said yes.

I'm not exactly sure why I said yes, given that I don't want a relationship with him, and I really don't want to sabotage another friendship either, but I guess it just feels good to get attention from a guy, something I crave more and more these days.

And you never know, I might just have a good time.

Too light to fall

The single thing that I was most looking forward to in my "21 before 21" list was sky-diving. But that has suffered a set-back. I emailed a sky-diving centre and was told that my weight was too low, "We don't have any instructors light enough who would fall at the same speed as you in freefall."

I am really disappointed, but as I hope to do this in June, I have time to build up my weight before then. I have been trying really hard to do this, keeping a calorie count that I need to exceed and drinking a post-workout protein shake, but the weight is still not increasing.

I think my best bet is to just continue and hope it gradually does go up. I believe that the main hindrance is the stress and my eagerness to skip meals when I simply 'can't be bothered'.

I really want to qualify as a sky-diver though, so perhaps that is motivation enough?

Round and round?

It has been crazy since last night. I have that sick feeling you get when you are buckled in into the seat on a roller-coaster and you are questioning what on earth made you do this. I feel nervous and scared.

Last night I heard from Adam after two and a half months of no contact. I hadn't even seen him in two months! It was a Facebook message. I was terrified. I didn't want to open it, but I didn't know what to do. I was curious, but I didn't know if I should satisfy my curiosity.

After I had logged on to his Facebook, I told myself I would stay away from it for a while. I needed the space and I had found out enough to give me the conviction to believe in myself. But then the message arrived on my Facebook.

I guess I was to blame. I had wanted to go to a Pub Quiz for a while, but I hadn't gone because the one that my friends went to was 'his' thing and he went with them every Monday. I mentioned it to one of my girlfriends who went with him and she invited me along. I really wanted to go, as much for the quiz as to see him, but I knew it was wrong.

I eventually decided not to go, but she must have told him, because he messaged me.

hi, hope you're doing well,
I heard through Safiya that you were thinking of coming to the pub quiz earlier tonight but then you went to A&E (hope you're okay and that its some other drunken idiot) - would've been a bit awkward without telling me at all but at the same time it might have been fun. Basically tomorrow 'FLAT 1' are having a pancake thingy and I saw you might be attending, would you let me know if you are (or let them know so they can let me know)? I still have feelings for you and I grappled so hard with the decision to send you/ not send you a valentines card for Thursday (its hard enough sending this message) but all I was going to say was that I'm sorry for how it ended and that uni/ life really sucks without you. I miss you so much and I'm still in love with you. So it would be really hard for me to see you again.
Adam B.

As I read it, after freaking out for about an hour, I felt my heart melt. It sounded just like the guy I used to have feelings for. But then I started to read between the lines. He mentioned Valentines Day, but he already had plans to sleep with Chloe. How could he lie so easily!? Then I remembered that that had been a repeating pattern throughout our relationship. I tried hard to not let it affect me, but I hated what he was trying to do to me. How could he think I could go through all that pain again? All the hurt is hard to remember when I'm feeling good, but I know that there were times when I was suicidal. That is not something I will forget in a hurry, even when times are improving.

I couldn't sleep at all last night after the message. I stayed awake for hours before managing to catch around two hours of sleep as I had to be up for a 9am class. I went to my class and then headed to the library. At around a quarter to 1 I decided to get lunch. As much as I wish it was just an innocent idea, I knew he had a class at 1 so he was likely to be walking towards university at the same time. I hoped I would run into him, just because I wanted to see what his reaction would be.

I had almost reached Sainsburys and realised that I would not run into him - he had a date planned with Chloe this morning anyway so I guessed he was probably still with her. But as I reached the drinks section, I saw him. Neither of us knew what to do. We both made eye-contact then looked away. I walked a few steps ahead and he turned out and reached out to stop me.

"Did you read my message?"

"Huh?"

"My message, did you see it?" He asked again.

"Erm no."

"Well you should. But I will tell you what I said anyway. I just hoped you were okay. I heard you went to A&E. How are you?"

"I'm fine."

"Okay. And I wanted to know if you were going to the pancake party thing tonight?"

"I don't know. Are you going?"

"Well it depends. But I probably won't go."

"Okay."

"Do you want to grab lunch?"

"Erm..." I was silent. Yes, I wanted to have lunch with him. I wanted to joke around, have a laugh. But I was not going through all that crap again.

"That's a no. Okay, that's fine."

We left the superstore separately.

I headed to the library lunch area and I saw him walk past. He looked the same. He was wearing that horrible brown coat I hated, but I liked his new haircut. He hadn't changed. The same smile, the same arrogance. And I missed him like hell. My day seemed so much better just because I had seen him.

Soon afterwards, I felt a tap on my shoulder and he was standing behind me.

"You should read my message, you know." He said.

"Why, Adam?"

"Because I want you to. I think you'll like it."

"I don't know."

"Okay, well I think you should. How are you, anyway? How's life?"

"Life is amazing." I smiled. It was easy enough to lie to him, "It's really really good."

"Good."

"Yes."

"Well, read my message. I have the same number. Do you? Do you have the same number?"

I hesitated. He thought I had changed my number.

"Yes, I do." I hoped I wasn't giving him an invitation to contact me.

"Oh right. It was.." He recited my phone number just to prove he still remembered it.

"Oh whatever." I said, but I smiled.

He walked away and I returned to my lunch, still smiling.

I realised that it was him who made my day a million times better. I was losing that by letting him go, but I knew it had to be done, because it was also him who had hurt me more in a few weeks than I had been hurt my entire life.

In the evening I decided that I would go to the party at the mutual friend's place. I wanted to see him, but I didn't know for sure if he would be there. I spent a lot longer getting ready and made sure I looked good before I left. I asked one of my close friends to come along for emotional support.

I reached, full of anticipation. He wasn't there.

I asked my friend who was hosting the party why he hadn't come and she said he didn't give a reason. He just said he didn't feel like coming. I knew it was because of me.

The party was good and everyone enjoyed themselves, but I wished he had been there. I wanted him to see me and to miss me. I wanted him to want me back, but I also want to be over him.

I still haven't told him I have seen his message. I don't know if he's waiting to hear from me or he's just given up on me and is dreaming about his next one-night-stand. But I am determined that this will NOT be the beginning of another cycle of hell. I will got go through all that crap again, round and round the same scenes, conversations and fights - I have had enough for a lifetime.

Confession

I have a confession to make.

I couldn't hold back my curiosity any longer and logged onto his Facebook. I was in so much pain and the not-knowing was only making it harder so I did it. What I found shocked me.

The last time I had logged on was just before he had planned the date in a tent with Jemma. I found out that the date had not gone well. The conversation hadn't flowed smoothly and he called her 'boring'. She had subsequently deleted him on Facebook. I was over the moon. That must have helped him see what he had given up when he lost me.

But that wasn't all, I also found a lot more than I expected in terms of girls. He had tried with dozens. He had gone after every possible girl and is currently hoping to "bum this Chloe girl, a receptionist at the gym, for Valentines." That hurt. But I knew I would find something like that. There was another girl "a cute Asian at Sainsburys who is obviously very interested."

I guess I just wanted him to be miserable and regret what he had done. But though I wanted to know what had happened, I also knew that it was none of my business to snoop into what he is up to now. But I want him to want me, yet he has written to all his (and my) friends that he is now "totally over" me. Slap in the face?

I also saw that he had added many many girls over the past few weeks. Increasing his pool of prospects I guess. I feel happier though. I realise that he's so desperate to be with someone, but that someone will never be like me, which he doesn't realise yet.

He will.